Bridget,
I enjoyed your story of a woman meeting with her ex-girlfriend and the heartbreak that surrounds their relationship. I loved the imagery of the gazebo as a living monument to their relationship, and how physical the narrator’s emotions displayed themself. I do have a couple questions, one being “Why would Emory meet with Kate to apologize, only to immediately follow up with the fact she was seeing someone?” I think it Emory apologized more first, it would be interesting to see how that would impact Kate’s reaction. I was also wondering what Emory’s perspective would look like, though I understand why you chose to stick to one point of view. I just think it could be interesting for Emory to look for Kate following her crying.
Hope this is helpful!
Rachel
Dear mackie,
I really like how you were able to encompass the reality of the small college experience. I would say this is the story of a college situationship, maybe the story of infatuation and potentially obsession as well. I really like the descriptions you use of this boy’s eyes, I think then being blue and mentioning how they are piercing and the color of ice really add to the tension between these two. The descriptions of what Cooper’s gaze does to Gemma is really working during this. I felt like I could picture the bar, I could smell the empty cans that have been sitting on the tables for far too long, the beer stained rug and countertops and the damp dance floor. When you said that they were being packed in like sardines was very relatable and I just really think you encompassed the bar going experience at a small college very well. I think my only suggestion would be to find ways to ramp up the tension even more. I like that you did so with him showing up later than normal but I was almost waiting for something to go wrong. Since they are not dating and they act like they don’t know each other during school I was waiting for him to maybe walk in with another girl and then him having to introduce the new girl to Gemma when she goes up to him at the bar when he gets there. Or maybe to lead up to that point maybe he keeps avoiding Gemma, somehow avoiding bumping into her all night till almost close when Gemma sees why by bumping into Cooper’s girlfriend who she awkwardly has to be introduced to. I think you have a great start here and there is a lot of potential, what you have so far is great and the description and dialogue really made it feel real.
Dear Bridget,
I would say that this is the story of strong infatuation and obsession that ends in unrequited love. The description you used throughout the story is so strong and poetic and really conveys a lot of emotion of Kate, our narrator. Even though there is a lot of poetic language and comparisons made I still felt like the story was moving forward at a pretty good pace, every sentence or paragraph pushing things forward. The dialogue felt natural and I really liked the fact that you could see right inside of Kate’s head in the moments of silence between them which really ramped up the tension. I think the tension you created in this story is also working really well. There is a lot of tension in the story and I think you nailed that part on the head. The only thing I would say is to maybe try and characterize Emory a bit more. I think this could maybe even be an example of an unreliable narrator, blinded by infatuation. If you wanted to ramp up that dial of an unreliable narrator more than you could make Emory’s actions go against what Kate is describing her as, which I think could be really cool and interesting to read. Overall this is really good and I enjoyed reading this roller coaster of emotions.
Bridget,
This seems tobe the story of a woman who is wrestling with the ghost of love from her past. A first person narrative about meeting with an ex that stirs up countless emotions. The way you set up the narrative I found to be quite interesting. You relied heavily on similes that related Kate’s emotions with a raging ocean. I found this to be a rather interesting method as I found myself rocking back and forth in the tide of the story. While this may encapsulate the onslaught of emotions that an event such as this may, I found that parts of the story that were supposed to be more intense were perhaps greyed out by the intensity of everything else. I felt that the story was maybe a little oversaturated. I liked the frequent and thorough use of the descriptors, you have a swell mastery over them, but I feel leaving the really vivid or intense descriptors for the more tense moments would highlight them in your story. Playing with the idea of the raging storm, if there were short lulls, it could act as the low part of a wave as we rock back and forth with the narrative. Also I have found that you used tidal wave a lot within the story. While it played well to the storm analogy, it became a little overused especially by the end where it was used in back to back sentences.Aside from that, I believe you captured a very heart wrenching moment well and made evident the strong emotional turmoil of encounters like this. Well done.
Mackie,
This to me seems to be a story about longing for more than what one would allow oneself to have. I could really feel this story, The setting, the emotions behind the narrator, the actions of the narrator: they all felt real. While not necessarily directly experiencing something similar, I could almost feel like I was in the shoes of the narrator experiencing this right beside her. I felt the narration was quite effective in that it captured well the experience of a college student. The mention of the instructor’s words being drowned out by the class packing up was mint. The inclusion of the gradual waving here and there to more and more with Cooper was well done. Everything here just felt real. While I did not feel any overtones of lessons learnt throughout the story, this piece I feel demonstrated well something, no doubt, innumerable college students have felt and will feel. I suppose the only thing I would suggest trying to glean from the story is perhaps a push for Gemma and Cooper to hang out more or talk outside of this few hour window they have. I feel there could have been a section during the party where they maybe decide they do want something more than these few hours of fun, something outside of the bar. Maybe add a line where Cooper or Gemma asks the other to hang out after class, or, perhaps, more that evening. It would have added a little character development, or narrative tension that could drive the narrator to make a choice. Although I could see how an argument could be made that people and situations just do not change unless someone makes the change, and if neither party does then it goes nowhere. That is a very real possibility in life, and maybe this piece is speaking on that note. If it is then maybe intensifying that could make this awesome piece all the better.
Mackie,
I enjoyed your story of a girl in a somewhat secret relationship. I loved the way you described Gemma’s inability to stop thinking about Cooper, even when they’re in class and he clearly is focused on other people. Your vivid depictions of Cooper make Gemma’s feelings for him so visceral, making the whole story come to life. I also loved the way that he seems to be so happy to see her when they’re together, but there’s this doubt that comes with it, given that they aren’t officially or openly together, that he always appears to pick his friends over her. It perfectly displays an unbalanced relationship, one person more devoted than another, one more invested, potentially to her own detriment. I wonder what would happen if we saw a different ending, or a continuation of the story, where Gemma decides she can’t continue this pattern, and what would happen as a result. Or is it that Gemma simply doesn’t dare risk this relationship, that she is seeking that connection to the point of unfairness to her? Just something I wonder about.
Hope this is helpful, can’t wait to read more!
-Rachel
Mackie,
This story was really thought provoking to me! I was really invested in the main character’s internal conflict. I felt like there could be an opportunity to expand the conflict by showing why Cooper doesn’t want to commit. Maybe his friends make fun of his connection with Gemma, or he has a girlfriend back home that he doesn’t want to break up with. I think exploring Cooper’s apprehension could make this story even more intriguing. I really liked the physical description of Cooper. I felt like I had a very clear mental image of him throughout the story, so well done with that! I felt you expressed the claustrophobia and business of the bar setting very well. The “crammed like sardines” line really stuck with me and set the stage very well! Maybe going into detail on the specifics of Gemma’s outfit or drink order could help us connect more with her and see more of her “no-nonsense” personality. I really enjoyed this story! Great work!
Bridget,
This story has such a powerful feeling throughout, I really enjoyed reading it! I loved the ending, it felt like the characters acted in predictable ways. I think the description of the gazebo and the park itself really worked and made me feel really immersed in the scene. The interaction on page 8 was so strong and felt like a big accumulation of everything that was built before the end of the story. It just stuck with me even after I finished reading and was really well done. As for a suggestion, I wanted a little more from how the relationship ended, maybe how the main character fought to hold on but Emory gave up? I also wish that Emory told the main character why she asked to meet in the first place, since it very much seems like she asked to meet just to say “I’ve moved on you should too,” which could’ve been intentional. Great work on this story! It was a really thought-provoking read.
Mackie,
This story follows a girl, Gemma, and her infatuation with this boy, Cooper. The way you were able to describe everything was very well done, it was like I was looking through Gemma’s eyes. I think her voice was very strong in this piece. I liked how you sprinkled in a few moments of distress where Gemma was concerned that they never really talk or act like a couple outside of the bar but then she covers that pain up by insisting that Cooper is worth it. That showed just how obsessed Gemma is with him perfectly. One thing that I think would be cool would be for Beth to question Gemma as to why they are only “so cute” at the bars versus just friendly at school. This was a great story though, I thoroughly enjoyed reading it!
Mackie,
I really like how real this story felt. It was relatable in the way you did such a good job describing moments that are common, and yet, created an entire story from it. I loved the mention of little details that really helped tie the story together. For example, the “pre-game playlist,” the slipping on of sneakers, the feel of the party being described like a can of sardines, and more. You also had a nice build up of tension, and excitement leading up to them meeting at the bar, which was well done as I found myself excited for Gemma when he appeared at the bar. One suggestion I had would be that when she described that once they returned to school, they would be strangers, I found that this took me out of the story a little, because I recalled earlier you described them sharing smiles and waves while on campus, so I took it that they were more friends than strangers. Maybe clarify or further emphasize how they act toward each other outside of the party scenes, and how this makes her feel like they are strangers. I also had one question, I found myself wanting to know more about these character’s personal lives. For instance, I don’t recall if it was mentioned, but what are they studying? Overall, well done! This story was fun to read.
Bridget,
This is the story of having to say goodbye to a chapter of one’s life, but still hanging on to the loving memories. The line, “I can’t lose this one,” really stood out to me, and it said a lot about this character’s story. You had a lot of very artistic lines throughout the story. I also loved, “Our relationship, once vibrant and full of promise, had withered into something frail and unsatisfying, like a wilting flower deprived of sunlight and water.” There are many lines like this I could mention, but this paragraph would be a mile long if I tried to talk about all of my favorites. With that said, well done! There was a beautiful flow to the story, and it is clear you are a talented writer. My suggestions, would be to go into more detail about what drove their relationship to an end. I interpreted as they just drifted apart or lost their spark, but I believe that for me personally, I felt that it might need more emphasis. I also would like to know more about these characters beyond their love for each other. We got to know them as personalities well, but I wanted to know more about what their backgrounds, their life goals, etc are.
Mackie: I would say your story is the story of a right person but not the right time. Overall, its written very well. You can picture the narrator while she goes through the motions almost like a camera following her. I think using first person perspective reall emphasized that. In terms of your story concept, it was real and relateable to most college students, or even those in high school. Everyone experiences those moments of a whimsical school crush but very few get to know the experience of being with them. I say this because I liked that you showed more than just a girl fawning after a guys who is “unattainable.” If I have any suggestion, it would be to dig further into Coopers character, and maybe even a little more about Gemma. Do their majors/career paths raise the bar on why they can’t be together? I’m also curious about what that Monday after will look like. Does he choose to suddenly sit with her in class or do they continue to act otherwise? Exploring these questions will turn the dial up on the conflict/tension you’re trying to create.
Bridget: I would say that your story is the story of when our expectations for something don’t match with the reality that’s presented. Honestly, the way you’ve written then really tugged on my heart strings. Choosing a first person perspective allowed the reader to sit with the narrators heavy emotions and mentality around the situation. The way you described experiencing these emotions as well was sad, beautiful, and realistic to what heartbreak is. Concept alone is very relateable to I think anyone who’s dealt with a similar situation. Resentment and hope were two highlighted themes for me while reading because the narrator seemed to be battling between the two. What I would be curious to know more about is the gazebo. Is there one specific memory that ties the place to Emory and the narrator? You mention a few vaguely, but I think diving in on one more specifically will sell the symbol you’re trying to create. I’m also wondering why they broke up in the first place. What it a simple fizzle of emotion or was there a serious issue? It seemed that there may be based off of Emory apologizing to the narrator “for everything.”
Dear Bridget,
I liked this story of a girl coming to terms with her past relationship. It’s cool to see a main character deciding that moving on is best for them and their closure is realizing they have nothing left of the relationship that used to make them so happy. The emotion of this piece is so strong. There’s sadness and anger and regret, but most heartbreakingly there’s a distinct desire for the sadness to end. Everyone, the protagonist, the reader, knows what would most easily and efficiently bring this tumult of emotions to an end, that being reuniting Kate and Emory, but that isn’t feasible and wouldn’t necessarily bring happiness. I do love the third paragraph on page 4. Great imagery and emotion on that one.
There are a lot of similes in this piece, many of them nice and artfully done. However, others could or should be taken out. The reader doesn’t need things repeated in a situation like this, such as the familiarity of a special place or the anxiety of meeting someone you still love after a rift has been made. Say it once, maybe bring it in again for added effect, but you can trust the readers. Similarly, you use some telling and not showing. I wish the relationship or Kate’s feelings about it were physical sensations, like in the last paragraph on the second page had her remembering how she threw her phone after getting that first text message but then refused to look at it as her blood ran cold.
Dear Mackie,
This is the story of a girl stewing in the uncertainty of a relationship she desperately wants to be real. I enjoyed her friend(s) being supportive of this situationship, with a specific one being aware of her secret. I also liked that Cooper seemed genuine in his interactions with Gemma, prioritizing her by making sure he goes to the bar and cutting off another conversation in order to dance with her. Similarly, I liked that Gemma is filled with anxiety and uncertainty about her situation and yet tries to put on a brave face and enjoy her night. These parts feel real.
However, these interactions don’t make much sense with how she and Cooper don’t spend time together outside of this. Just in the first half of the story I feel extremely wary of Cooper. Everything is going well, but it feels like he’s going to do something cruel or just leave Gemma hanging. Why don’t they talk at school? Is there a reason or is it just a silent agreement between the two of them? Then, Gemma says multiple times that the relationship is a secret, but why does it need to be a secret? And then there was no closure for this story. Nothing about the situation changes. It feels like this whole thing is the first act, setting up the rest of the story.
Bridget, I really liked this story. You really showed the emotional and betray that our narrator felt when we was reunited with her ex. I like how you showed this controlled love the narrator has for Emory, and how much power she, and that relationship, have over our narrator. I think you didd a really good job letting us see how the narrator felt over this time, and how much she loved Emory. I think that was really well done. I also really liked how you gave us so much background about their relationship, even though it was in the past. And you gave us so much about who these two characters were together. I also appreciated how you showed their relationship and the reality of how these things end for many people we go through relationships and they don’t always end the way we want and we are left with so much love and longing. And I liked how you did stray away from that. My only question would be is how is Emory doing since the break up? We see how Kate is handling it, but I think showing more of that with Emory would help give us a better picture of who she is as a character.
Bridget: This is the story of a girl having to accept the past as she runs into it face to face. This story was very attention grabbing as we all struggle with relationships and accepting the past. I liked how you incorporate emotion with Emory and and her friend. Description was really well done especially with scenery. I was able to easily vision the story. I also like how the setting changes as Emorys feelings change. I suggest giving more on her new girlfriend and maybe how she feels about Emory being stuck with the past. Love this story!
Mackie: This is a story about relationships and obsession. This story was very attention grabbing and well done. Gemma’s character was realistically relatable which made it easier to read. This whole story fit very realistic which I really like because its believable and I feel like we’ve all experienced this in high school or college. I like this whole idea of secrecy and red flags. A suggestion I have is maybe giving some insight on Cooper and why he is the way he is. I feel like understanding both sides might make it more tense. Great job!
Dear Bridget,
I loved your use of description in this story. Everything was incredibly well written, and it flowed together really nicely. I like how throughout the story there’s a little mystery as to how reliable our narrator is. Is Em moving on ‘too early’ or is Kate just stuck in the past? Was their relationship serious or was it only Kate who thought it was serious? My only wish was that there was more to their conversation so that we would be able to read into these dynamics a bit more. I think it would help Kates dedication to moving on at the end hit a little harder if we get to explore these characters more.
Dear Mackie,
There are some great character dynamics going on here, which I love. It’s clear that our main character Gemma is a little delusional about her situation with Cooper, but you can’t help but feel bad for her anyway because she’s such a sympathetic character. Really the only thing I would change is that I wish there were more! It felt like we were approaching the meat of the conflict at the end only to stop early. It leaves me wanting to know why Cooper is so cagey about their relationship. Is he taken already? Is he not serious about it? I would love to see these characters get to the meat of their conflict.
13 thoughts on “JOURNAL # 24”
Bridget,
I enjoyed your story of a woman meeting with her ex-girlfriend and the heartbreak that surrounds their relationship. I loved the imagery of the gazebo as a living monument to their relationship, and how physical the narrator’s emotions displayed themself. I do have a couple questions, one being “Why would Emory meet with Kate to apologize, only to immediately follow up with the fact she was seeing someone?” I think it Emory apologized more first, it would be interesting to see how that would impact Kate’s reaction. I was also wondering what Emory’s perspective would look like, though I understand why you chose to stick to one point of view. I just think it could be interesting for Emory to look for Kate following her crying.
Hope this is helpful!
Rachel
Dear mackie,
I really like how you were able to encompass the reality of the small college experience. I would say this is the story of a college situationship, maybe the story of infatuation and potentially obsession as well. I really like the descriptions you use of this boy’s eyes, I think then being blue and mentioning how they are piercing and the color of ice really add to the tension between these two. The descriptions of what Cooper’s gaze does to Gemma is really working during this. I felt like I could picture the bar, I could smell the empty cans that have been sitting on the tables for far too long, the beer stained rug and countertops and the damp dance floor. When you said that they were being packed in like sardines was very relatable and I just really think you encompassed the bar going experience at a small college very well. I think my only suggestion would be to find ways to ramp up the tension even more. I like that you did so with him showing up later than normal but I was almost waiting for something to go wrong. Since they are not dating and they act like they don’t know each other during school I was waiting for him to maybe walk in with another girl and then him having to introduce the new girl to Gemma when she goes up to him at the bar when he gets there. Or maybe to lead up to that point maybe he keeps avoiding Gemma, somehow avoiding bumping into her all night till almost close when Gemma sees why by bumping into Cooper’s girlfriend who she awkwardly has to be introduced to. I think you have a great start here and there is a lot of potential, what you have so far is great and the description and dialogue really made it feel real.
Dear Bridget,
I would say that this is the story of strong infatuation and obsession that ends in unrequited love. The description you used throughout the story is so strong and poetic and really conveys a lot of emotion of Kate, our narrator. Even though there is a lot of poetic language and comparisons made I still felt like the story was moving forward at a pretty good pace, every sentence or paragraph pushing things forward. The dialogue felt natural and I really liked the fact that you could see right inside of Kate’s head in the moments of silence between them which really ramped up the tension. I think the tension you created in this story is also working really well. There is a lot of tension in the story and I think you nailed that part on the head. The only thing I would say is to maybe try and characterize Emory a bit more. I think this could maybe even be an example of an unreliable narrator, blinded by infatuation. If you wanted to ramp up that dial of an unreliable narrator more than you could make Emory’s actions go against what Kate is describing her as, which I think could be really cool and interesting to read. Overall this is really good and I enjoyed reading this roller coaster of emotions.
Bridget,
This seems tobe the story of a woman who is wrestling with the ghost of love from her past. A first person narrative about meeting with an ex that stirs up countless emotions. The way you set up the narrative I found to be quite interesting. You relied heavily on similes that related Kate’s emotions with a raging ocean. I found this to be a rather interesting method as I found myself rocking back and forth in the tide of the story. While this may encapsulate the onslaught of emotions that an event such as this may, I found that parts of the story that were supposed to be more intense were perhaps greyed out by the intensity of everything else. I felt that the story was maybe a little oversaturated. I liked the frequent and thorough use of the descriptors, you have a swell mastery over them, but I feel leaving the really vivid or intense descriptors for the more tense moments would highlight them in your story. Playing with the idea of the raging storm, if there were short lulls, it could act as the low part of a wave as we rock back and forth with the narrative. Also I have found that you used tidal wave a lot within the story. While it played well to the storm analogy, it became a little overused especially by the end where it was used in back to back sentences.Aside from that, I believe you captured a very heart wrenching moment well and made evident the strong emotional turmoil of encounters like this. Well done.
Mackie,
This to me seems to be a story about longing for more than what one would allow oneself to have. I could really feel this story, The setting, the emotions behind the narrator, the actions of the narrator: they all felt real. While not necessarily directly experiencing something similar, I could almost feel like I was in the shoes of the narrator experiencing this right beside her. I felt the narration was quite effective in that it captured well the experience of a college student. The mention of the instructor’s words being drowned out by the class packing up was mint. The inclusion of the gradual waving here and there to more and more with Cooper was well done. Everything here just felt real. While I did not feel any overtones of lessons learnt throughout the story, this piece I feel demonstrated well something, no doubt, innumerable college students have felt and will feel. I suppose the only thing I would suggest trying to glean from the story is perhaps a push for Gemma and Cooper to hang out more or talk outside of this few hour window they have. I feel there could have been a section during the party where they maybe decide they do want something more than these few hours of fun, something outside of the bar. Maybe add a line where Cooper or Gemma asks the other to hang out after class, or, perhaps, more that evening. It would have added a little character development, or narrative tension that could drive the narrator to make a choice. Although I could see how an argument could be made that people and situations just do not change unless someone makes the change, and if neither party does then it goes nowhere. That is a very real possibility in life, and maybe this piece is speaking on that note. If it is then maybe intensifying that could make this awesome piece all the better.
Mackie,
I enjoyed your story of a girl in a somewhat secret relationship. I loved the way you described Gemma’s inability to stop thinking about Cooper, even when they’re in class and he clearly is focused on other people. Your vivid depictions of Cooper make Gemma’s feelings for him so visceral, making the whole story come to life. I also loved the way that he seems to be so happy to see her when they’re together, but there’s this doubt that comes with it, given that they aren’t officially or openly together, that he always appears to pick his friends over her. It perfectly displays an unbalanced relationship, one person more devoted than another, one more invested, potentially to her own detriment. I wonder what would happen if we saw a different ending, or a continuation of the story, where Gemma decides she can’t continue this pattern, and what would happen as a result. Or is it that Gemma simply doesn’t dare risk this relationship, that she is seeking that connection to the point of unfairness to her? Just something I wonder about.
Hope this is helpful, can’t wait to read more!
-Rachel
Mackie,
This story was really thought provoking to me! I was really invested in the main character’s internal conflict. I felt like there could be an opportunity to expand the conflict by showing why Cooper doesn’t want to commit. Maybe his friends make fun of his connection with Gemma, or he has a girlfriend back home that he doesn’t want to break up with. I think exploring Cooper’s apprehension could make this story even more intriguing. I really liked the physical description of Cooper. I felt like I had a very clear mental image of him throughout the story, so well done with that! I felt you expressed the claustrophobia and business of the bar setting very well. The “crammed like sardines” line really stuck with me and set the stage very well! Maybe going into detail on the specifics of Gemma’s outfit or drink order could help us connect more with her and see more of her “no-nonsense” personality. I really enjoyed this story! Great work!
Bridget,
This story has such a powerful feeling throughout, I really enjoyed reading it! I loved the ending, it felt like the characters acted in predictable ways. I think the description of the gazebo and the park itself really worked and made me feel really immersed in the scene. The interaction on page 8 was so strong and felt like a big accumulation of everything that was built before the end of the story. It just stuck with me even after I finished reading and was really well done. As for a suggestion, I wanted a little more from how the relationship ended, maybe how the main character fought to hold on but Emory gave up? I also wish that Emory told the main character why she asked to meet in the first place, since it very much seems like she asked to meet just to say “I’ve moved on you should too,” which could’ve been intentional. Great work on this story! It was a really thought-provoking read.
Mackie,
This story follows a girl, Gemma, and her infatuation with this boy, Cooper. The way you were able to describe everything was very well done, it was like I was looking through Gemma’s eyes. I think her voice was very strong in this piece. I liked how you sprinkled in a few moments of distress where Gemma was concerned that they never really talk or act like a couple outside of the bar but then she covers that pain up by insisting that Cooper is worth it. That showed just how obsessed Gemma is with him perfectly. One thing that I think would be cool would be for Beth to question Gemma as to why they are only “so cute” at the bars versus just friendly at school. This was a great story though, I thoroughly enjoyed reading it!
Mackie,
I really like how real this story felt. It was relatable in the way you did such a good job describing moments that are common, and yet, created an entire story from it. I loved the mention of little details that really helped tie the story together. For example, the “pre-game playlist,” the slipping on of sneakers, the feel of the party being described like a can of sardines, and more. You also had a nice build up of tension, and excitement leading up to them meeting at the bar, which was well done as I found myself excited for Gemma when he appeared at the bar. One suggestion I had would be that when she described that once they returned to school, they would be strangers, I found that this took me out of the story a little, because I recalled earlier you described them sharing smiles and waves while on campus, so I took it that they were more friends than strangers. Maybe clarify or further emphasize how they act toward each other outside of the party scenes, and how this makes her feel like they are strangers. I also had one question, I found myself wanting to know more about these character’s personal lives. For instance, I don’t recall if it was mentioned, but what are they studying? Overall, well done! This story was fun to read.
Bridget,
This is the story of having to say goodbye to a chapter of one’s life, but still hanging on to the loving memories. The line, “I can’t lose this one,” really stood out to me, and it said a lot about this character’s story. You had a lot of very artistic lines throughout the story. I also loved, “Our relationship, once vibrant and full of promise, had withered into something frail and unsatisfying, like a wilting flower deprived of sunlight and water.” There are many lines like this I could mention, but this paragraph would be a mile long if I tried to talk about all of my favorites. With that said, well done! There was a beautiful flow to the story, and it is clear you are a talented writer. My suggestions, would be to go into more detail about what drove their relationship to an end. I interpreted as they just drifted apart or lost their spark, but I believe that for me personally, I felt that it might need more emphasis. I also would like to know more about these characters beyond their love for each other. We got to know them as personalities well, but I wanted to know more about what their backgrounds, their life goals, etc are.
Mackie: I would say your story is the story of a right person but not the right time. Overall, its written very well. You can picture the narrator while she goes through the motions almost like a camera following her. I think using first person perspective reall emphasized that. In terms of your story concept, it was real and relateable to most college students, or even those in high school. Everyone experiences those moments of a whimsical school crush but very few get to know the experience of being with them. I say this because I liked that you showed more than just a girl fawning after a guys who is “unattainable.” If I have any suggestion, it would be to dig further into Coopers character, and maybe even a little more about Gemma. Do their majors/career paths raise the bar on why they can’t be together? I’m also curious about what that Monday after will look like. Does he choose to suddenly sit with her in class or do they continue to act otherwise? Exploring these questions will turn the dial up on the conflict/tension you’re trying to create.
Bridget: I would say that your story is the story of when our expectations for something don’t match with the reality that’s presented. Honestly, the way you’ve written then really tugged on my heart strings. Choosing a first person perspective allowed the reader to sit with the narrators heavy emotions and mentality around the situation. The way you described experiencing these emotions as well was sad, beautiful, and realistic to what heartbreak is. Concept alone is very relateable to I think anyone who’s dealt with a similar situation. Resentment and hope were two highlighted themes for me while reading because the narrator seemed to be battling between the two. What I would be curious to know more about is the gazebo. Is there one specific memory that ties the place to Emory and the narrator? You mention a few vaguely, but I think diving in on one more specifically will sell the symbol you’re trying to create. I’m also wondering why they broke up in the first place. What it a simple fizzle of emotion or was there a serious issue? It seemed that there may be based off of Emory apologizing to the narrator “for everything.”
Dear Bridget,
I liked this story of a girl coming to terms with her past relationship. It’s cool to see a main character deciding that moving on is best for them and their closure is realizing they have nothing left of the relationship that used to make them so happy. The emotion of this piece is so strong. There’s sadness and anger and regret, but most heartbreakingly there’s a distinct desire for the sadness to end. Everyone, the protagonist, the reader, knows what would most easily and efficiently bring this tumult of emotions to an end, that being reuniting Kate and Emory, but that isn’t feasible and wouldn’t necessarily bring happiness. I do love the third paragraph on page 4. Great imagery and emotion on that one.
There are a lot of similes in this piece, many of them nice and artfully done. However, others could or should be taken out. The reader doesn’t need things repeated in a situation like this, such as the familiarity of a special place or the anxiety of meeting someone you still love after a rift has been made. Say it once, maybe bring it in again for added effect, but you can trust the readers. Similarly, you use some telling and not showing. I wish the relationship or Kate’s feelings about it were physical sensations, like in the last paragraph on the second page had her remembering how she threw her phone after getting that first text message but then refused to look at it as her blood ran cold.
Dear Mackie,
This is the story of a girl stewing in the uncertainty of a relationship she desperately wants to be real. I enjoyed her friend(s) being supportive of this situationship, with a specific one being aware of her secret. I also liked that Cooper seemed genuine in his interactions with Gemma, prioritizing her by making sure he goes to the bar and cutting off another conversation in order to dance with her. Similarly, I liked that Gemma is filled with anxiety and uncertainty about her situation and yet tries to put on a brave face and enjoy her night. These parts feel real.
However, these interactions don’t make much sense with how she and Cooper don’t spend time together outside of this. Just in the first half of the story I feel extremely wary of Cooper. Everything is going well, but it feels like he’s going to do something cruel or just leave Gemma hanging. Why don’t they talk at school? Is there a reason or is it just a silent agreement between the two of them? Then, Gemma says multiple times that the relationship is a secret, but why does it need to be a secret? And then there was no closure for this story. Nothing about the situation changes. It feels like this whole thing is the first act, setting up the rest of the story.
Bridget, I really liked this story. You really showed the emotional and betray that our narrator felt when we was reunited with her ex. I like how you showed this controlled love the narrator has for Emory, and how much power she, and that relationship, have over our narrator. I think you didd a really good job letting us see how the narrator felt over this time, and how much she loved Emory. I think that was really well done. I also really liked how you gave us so much background about their relationship, even though it was in the past. And you gave us so much about who these two characters were together. I also appreciated how you showed their relationship and the reality of how these things end for many people we go through relationships and they don’t always end the way we want and we are left with so much love and longing. And I liked how you did stray away from that. My only question would be is how is Emory doing since the break up? We see how Kate is handling it, but I think showing more of that with Emory would help give us a better picture of who she is as a character.
Bridget: This is the story of a girl having to accept the past as she runs into it face to face. This story was very attention grabbing as we all struggle with relationships and accepting the past. I liked how you incorporate emotion with Emory and and her friend. Description was really well done especially with scenery. I was able to easily vision the story. I also like how the setting changes as Emorys feelings change. I suggest giving more on her new girlfriend and maybe how she feels about Emory being stuck with the past. Love this story!
Mackie: This is a story about relationships and obsession. This story was very attention grabbing and well done. Gemma’s character was realistically relatable which made it easier to read. This whole story fit very realistic which I really like because its believable and I feel like we’ve all experienced this in high school or college. I like this whole idea of secrecy and red flags. A suggestion I have is maybe giving some insight on Cooper and why he is the way he is. I feel like understanding both sides might make it more tense. Great job!
Dear Bridget,
I loved your use of description in this story. Everything was incredibly well written, and it flowed together really nicely. I like how throughout the story there’s a little mystery as to how reliable our narrator is. Is Em moving on ‘too early’ or is Kate just stuck in the past? Was their relationship serious or was it only Kate who thought it was serious? My only wish was that there was more to their conversation so that we would be able to read into these dynamics a bit more. I think it would help Kates dedication to moving on at the end hit a little harder if we get to explore these characters more.
Dear Mackie,
There are some great character dynamics going on here, which I love. It’s clear that our main character Gemma is a little delusional about her situation with Cooper, but you can’t help but feel bad for her anyway because she’s such a sympathetic character. Really the only thing I would change is that I wish there were more! It felt like we were approaching the meat of the conflict at the end only to stop early. It leaves me wanting to know why Cooper is so cagey about their relationship. Is he taken already? Is he not serious about it? I would love to see these characters get to the meat of their conflict.