Cammy,
I loved your short story about a girl dealing with the traumatic loss of her legs and her struggles with her prosthetics. I think you really captured the chaos of the situation really well, as well as the pain of such a deep loss. I also love how you tied in her sense of identity as a dancer with the loss of her legs, as it made your characters feel much more alive and tangible. I do have a couple questions, my main one being about the memory loss aspect. I was confused on how much of her memories she actually lost, or if it was temporary, as she remembered being a dancer, but forgot her name. My only main suggestion is to clarify that more. My other question was if there was anyone in the car with our narrator, as there’s not a lot on the accident itself.
Hope this helps!
Rachel
Dear Cammy,
I really like your idea for this short story. I would say this is the story of a college girl struggling through memory loss and the loss of her legs after a severe car accident. I think that this set has a lot of potential and I really like your mention of the dad’s emotions when they come to the hospital and he’s fighting back tears. I thought this was really meaningful because I know that at least with my own dad I have never seen him cry let alone seen his eyes water. So, that level of emotion can and does really help give a real feel to the severity of the situation here. I like your descriptions of the car crash scene and the going in and out of consciousness really is effective in the early pages of the story. I also really like your ending two sentences. I think if you change anything then you should still keep those sentences in there whether they fit at the end or not all depends on where you want to take the story. I had a question about her memory loss, one sentence said she barely remembered her name and then the next she remembered her school that she had a scholarship and that she was a dancer. So I was just wondering how that could be and maybe suggest that she remembers this after seeing her dance team hoodie on the chair next to her hospital bed maybe and then she has all of the memories flood back. Also, I like that you have her take charge and she tries to use the prosthetics by herself when she shouldn’t but I was waiting for something bad to happen at that point honestly like what if she bumps into something and that ramps up tension because a nurse could hear and maybe come in and catch her. Also I was wondering where she is from since it said her parents had to fly out to cali to see her in the hospital. So, I was thinking you could add in a scene where her roomate (maybe her best friend on the dance team ) comes to the hospital first before her parents to see her and she doesn’t remember her best friend? How emotional is that? And maybe even the roommate brings her her favorite dance sweatshop for comfort and that helps her remember who she is. I feel like you have a lot of areas where the tension can be ramped up but this is a great set up and great idea for a very emotionally intense story!
Dear Mya,
This is the story of a sister grieving over her sister leaving her who is left to the comforts of her mother who chooses not to talk about family issues. I really like your setup for this story and I think that your descriptions and the tie in with the title is good. I loved the line “watch movies at the highest volume in my childhood bedroom to clock the screaming of our parents” on page 4. That was a great line that really helped us see into what the sisters’ childhood was like and what the family dynamic was without explaining everything. I don’t think that much more was needed other than that one line which was perfect. I was wondering about the dream that caused the bit of the shift in the narrator, what caused this change of her feeling better about going to find/ see her sister? From what I could tell it was the fact that in her dream about her sister, she was staring into her sister’s eyes and it felt like her sister attached a piece of herself to the narrator which stayed with her when she awoke which was comforting to her. I just feel like more detail about the actual shift could be useful. I think that your ending is definitely an ending in that it leaves the reader in suspense, and we did see a slight shift but I feel as though there is a lot more to your story than we are currently allowed to see. I like this set up and I think you could really mold this into an intense story! Great job so far with the descriptions and the things you chose to describe as the narrator walked around the house that was still haunted by all of the sisters artifacts. I think that was very insightful for the reader.
I loved the description in your story, everything flowed together really nicely. I liked the premise too, I think there’s a lot of story that can happen with that in the short story format. The only thing I can think of that I would like is more – I was surprised we never got to the body viewing. It felt like that event was what the story was building to the most, so it felt a little quick to finish because of it. What if she got to the viewing having finally accepted her sister’s death only to discover that it wasn’t her sister? I would love to see more of this explored, good work!
Dear Cammy,
I thought this was a fun concept, the idea of a dancer losing their legs has many routes it could go, which I thought was really cool. I think you did a good job of capturing character, my only thought was that this might benefit from a point of view switch? It would stay following our main character, only from third person instead of first. I think if you played it as a close third person you would be able to keep a lot of her inner feelings and thoughts about the accident while opening it up to other perspectives and emotions that would give the story a bit of a boost. It could also be played to where someone who’s had recent brain damage/amnesia would probably be a pretty unreliable narrator. Would be interesting to explore, nice story!
Maya,
I found this to be the experience of a form of ignorance. The kind of not knowing if you want to know or not, but needing to know at the same time. A feeling of cautious desire. This story tells a lot with little. There was a lot of implied history with remarks and passing thoughts of the narrator. The mother’s actions and vibe were easily denoted by the narrator’s perception of her. The avoidance and desire to be with her in a time of stress is a very human thing I think many can relate to. I found the lack of narrator name to be a particularly interesting creative choice that fits well with the story. In a way it more allows the reader to step into their shoes. In a way I admire it because while the story is ultimately about the narrator’s feelings, the lack of name leads me to believe that the focus of the story is not the narrator. Rather it is about the emotion, I feel a concentration on the raw feeling of not knowing the fate of a loved one. There is a lot of power behind that emotion that I feel you have tapped into. This emotional experience tends to be quite intense and consuming. I feel you have captured the all consuming portion well and some of the intensity. I think a moment showing perhaps the paralyzing feeling this emotion can bring would be a good addition to appeal to the intensity of the emotion. Overall I found this story a delightful read that highlighted an emotion that can be quite heart wrenching. I did find myself hungering for the fate of the sister, but at the same time that may result in a bit of a drw away from what I saw the potential theme be.
Cammy, I really liked this story. You did such a good job showing the emotion of someone who was in a tragic accident and lost something so important to her. Hearing the narrators internal dialogue was crucial to the story and did such a good thing for the movement of the story. I also really liked how she was so worried about her legs more about dance and less about regular life. The idea of dance and what it meant to her was really important and showed through this story. I think I wanted to see more of the change with her and her memories throughout the story. I liked how you showed her memory loss but I wish that travelled throughout the story more and impacted her and her recovery.
Mya, I really liked this story. You showed the feeling of grieving a sibling, without even knowing if that person is still around. I really liked how you showed the disappearance and leaving of family from our narrator, and how it impacted her. It was done in such a tasteful way that still gave us so much emotion and ideas to think about. I really liked how you set up what was going to happen going forward, and the way that our narrator was ready to admit her sister was gone. I think I would’ve wanted more about the sisters relationship, and how their lack of relationship in the future impacted our narrator. I think that going forward a good way to move this story forward would be to show the car ride, and seeing if it is her sister. I think if we got a lot of this information within thoughts or flashbacks during the car ride would help give more depth to the feelings and emotions of our narrator.
Cammy,
This seems to be a story of surviving and fighting to reclaim the life the narrator once knew. The car accident was an interesting scene that I felt could have been built on well. I liked the whole reclaiming a life you once had. I feel we could have been revealed that she was a dancer by starting her inner monologue of going to a dance and then blinking into the car crash and then into the hospital room. The amnesia was mentioned and then not used super heavily, maybe keep it from the beginning of the story as it feels a little out of place. I feel that you had some interesting points on rejecting the new life and prosthetics and I feel you could tell a powerful story through that. There is determination to get back to the old life, and I feel if we were given specifics on what she is striving for, then we could feel the drive to return other than legs being gone. Overall interesting premise but perhaps if you played into a more singular theme then your story would really shine
Mya,
I loved your short story about a girl pondering the fate of her sister, who disappeared without warning one day. I loved how you focused on the narrator’s internal monologue, debating her fate and having conflicted feelings over how she wanted to see her as she began to move towards acceptance. I also love how you used little details like the lip gloss and the proximity to the transit station to make Eileen feel more alive and tangible. I do have a couple questions. One is whether or not you had decided a fate for Eileen, as I could see the two primary outcomes of her disappearance having vastly different results for our characters. The other is how our narrator knows she chose to leave if there was no conversation about it. I don’t have suggestions so much as I want to know more, as I could see this turning into a larger piece.
Hope this helps!
Rachel
Dear Cammy,
I really enjoyed this story! This story revolves around a girl who lost her legs in a car accident. I think it was really smart of you to make her a dancer as that ratchets up the tension of the story a lot. You were able to capture her voice very well. Obviously going through a traumatic accident like Hannah did, you’re going to have weird emotions and I think you captured that quite well. I think it would be interesting to have had her driving back from a dance recital or competition or something when she got into the accident. Then she could potentially have some negative emotions towards dance before she realizes she really wants to learn to dance again. Speaking of which, I really loved your final sentence. It was very powerful and such a good way to wrap up the story. Overall, this was a good read!
Mya,
This was a great story! It follows the inner turmoil and eventual acceptance that came with the narrator’s sister being missing. I really like the way you described the narrator’s relationship with her mother. That contrast plays beautifully when compared to the narrator’s obsession with keeping the thought of her sister’s survival alive. I am a little confused if they are twins or just sisters. You mentioned going to the beauty supply store at age 13 but then it seems as though our narrator is Eileen’s older sister for the rest of the story. I also wish we had a bit more background on how the sister disappeared but even without that info there is plenty of tension. Overall, I really enjoyed this!
Cammy,
This story got me so emotional! I was so moved by the character’s story of being someone so connected to their movement having that stripped away. I’ve seen similar stories to this happen in real life to my family members, and I feel like you got the hopelessness and the impact of kindness and patience down exactly as I’ve seen it happen before. I really liked the Dr. Reed character; He was a really likable character and served as a lifeline in this story that could be a bit oppressive sometimes. I had some questions and suggestions I noted after reading your story. Are there other more physical things she forgot as a result of her accident? Can she not lift her arms? There could be an opportunity to expand on the oppressive feeling of being stuck in a body you don’t recognize. Page 5, give us a chance to see how the mom is upset at her dancer daughter being legless; Try not to tell us! There’s enough context to feel that despair and the pain that the mother could be going through, but you could add conversations between the mother and father that the daughter overhears to build their perspectives? What kind of physical therapy is she undergoing? Are there other parts of her body that are in disrepair other than her memory? Overall, this story was really moving and I think there’s a lot of directions you could take it! Nice work!
Mya,
I loved reading your story! I thought the dynamic between the mother and daughter was really real and really drove the start of the story in an interesting direction. The passage on page 3 about the vinyl was really compelling to me. I kept coming back to it and the image was so vivid to me. The memories of a sister you once knew but have drifted apart from were so relatable and I really liked the way you conveyed it. The fixation on the lip gloss that their sister first bought years ago that they shared was such a good detail. I loved the way you showed the main character’s love and reverence for her sister even though Eileen never really appears in the present of the story. I really wanted to know why the main character was so disconnected with her sister if she felt so connected and shaped by her in her youth. Why was Eileen running? Was she in danger or just fed up with their mother? I thought it was strange the sisters hadn’t been in contact at all for the last 3 years if she was so important to the main character. Maybe you could say that the main character had been sending letters or trying to text just to get silence in return? There could be an exploration of guilt or feeling at fault for their sister’s disappearance to explore. I think you got across Eileen’s importance to the main character, I wanted to see the main character’s importance to Eileen. Overall, this was a really well written story with some really poignant sections that are sticking with me! Great work Mya!
Dear Mya,
This is the story of a girl remembering and eventually accepting the death of her little sister. Your description and showing Pepper’s life, how unhappy and stuck she’s been for the past three years, was really well-done and very telling. I like that there’s a mystery in how Eileen died. The whole situation is a mystery for the main character too. Eileen is a ghost in Pepper’s life, always there. She refuses to get rid of the ghost or try to move on though, keeping around a thousand little reminders of Eileen’s life. I also like where the story ends, that it doesn’t reveal what happened to Eileen since that’s irrelevant to Pepper’s journey.
I feel like there could have been more conflict and more resolution. The conflict is all internal, but I feel like there’s room for more resistance. The dream didn’t really make sense in leading Pepper to finally accept Eileen’s death. Maybe it could have Eileen in the dream urging Pepper to move on or there could be more detail about what exactly staring into each other’s core felt like and revealed. Maybe that could be part of the freedom aspect you wrote about at the top of page 7.
Dear Cammy,
This is the story of a girl healing after a terrible accident and finding a new way to achieve her dreams. While the story felt rushed in some ways, I liked the character arc of hopelessness turning to hope and determination, with the narrator regressing in her mental recovery at times. It was cool that the narrator had a distinct connection to feeling and touch, whether it was her parent’s hugs or the hospital staff restraining her or the feeling of the prosthetic legs. There’s a lot of dialogue, further expressing this connection to other people while the narrator recovers.
Something that could be improved is how often you tell the reader how the narrator feels rather than letting her express that through thought or body language. Aspects like this took me out of the story, as well as the potential medical inaccuracies, like the narrator being able to put on the prosthetics and walk without help at the end of the story.
The last paragraph is great, but I wish it could have been better interpreted by the reader or told in another way. While the legs and process of healing are great narrative throughlines, I’d have liked to see some symbolism or the narrator being closer to another character that she can tell these feelings she has to, such as a kind nurse or a sibling/friend who comes to visit her in the hospital.
Mya: This is a story about denial and acceptance with the death of Peppers sister. This was a very realistic story as we’ve all experienced loss at some point in our lives and struggling with acceptance is a very real thing and it was portrayed very well. I really like the aspect of mystery in this story it gives the reader the ability to try and interact with the story in solving what happened. The emotion and tension throughout the story also kept the story alive and intense. We can tell that Pepper has a close relationship with the mom but I was hoping to get a little more on Peppers relationship with her father her sister before she distanced. I was wondering if there could be a little more detail towards the sisters disappearance maybe at some foreshadowing or hints but leave it for the reader to solve. Overall Great story!!
11 thoughts on “JOURNAL # 25”
Cammy,
I loved your short story about a girl dealing with the traumatic loss of her legs and her struggles with her prosthetics. I think you really captured the chaos of the situation really well, as well as the pain of such a deep loss. I also love how you tied in her sense of identity as a dancer with the loss of her legs, as it made your characters feel much more alive and tangible. I do have a couple questions, my main one being about the memory loss aspect. I was confused on how much of her memories she actually lost, or if it was temporary, as she remembered being a dancer, but forgot her name. My only main suggestion is to clarify that more. My other question was if there was anyone in the car with our narrator, as there’s not a lot on the accident itself.
Hope this helps!
Rachel
Dear Cammy,
I really like your idea for this short story. I would say this is the story of a college girl struggling through memory loss and the loss of her legs after a severe car accident. I think that this set has a lot of potential and I really like your mention of the dad’s emotions when they come to the hospital and he’s fighting back tears. I thought this was really meaningful because I know that at least with my own dad I have never seen him cry let alone seen his eyes water. So, that level of emotion can and does really help give a real feel to the severity of the situation here. I like your descriptions of the car crash scene and the going in and out of consciousness really is effective in the early pages of the story. I also really like your ending two sentences. I think if you change anything then you should still keep those sentences in there whether they fit at the end or not all depends on where you want to take the story. I had a question about her memory loss, one sentence said she barely remembered her name and then the next she remembered her school that she had a scholarship and that she was a dancer. So I was just wondering how that could be and maybe suggest that she remembers this after seeing her dance team hoodie on the chair next to her hospital bed maybe and then she has all of the memories flood back. Also, I like that you have her take charge and she tries to use the prosthetics by herself when she shouldn’t but I was waiting for something bad to happen at that point honestly like what if she bumps into something and that ramps up tension because a nurse could hear and maybe come in and catch her. Also I was wondering where she is from since it said her parents had to fly out to cali to see her in the hospital. So, I was thinking you could add in a scene where her roomate (maybe her best friend on the dance team ) comes to the hospital first before her parents to see her and she doesn’t remember her best friend? How emotional is that? And maybe even the roommate brings her her favorite dance sweatshop for comfort and that helps her remember who she is. I feel like you have a lot of areas where the tension can be ramped up but this is a great set up and great idea for a very emotionally intense story!
Dear Mya,
This is the story of a sister grieving over her sister leaving her who is left to the comforts of her mother who chooses not to talk about family issues. I really like your setup for this story and I think that your descriptions and the tie in with the title is good. I loved the line “watch movies at the highest volume in my childhood bedroom to clock the screaming of our parents” on page 4. That was a great line that really helped us see into what the sisters’ childhood was like and what the family dynamic was without explaining everything. I don’t think that much more was needed other than that one line which was perfect. I was wondering about the dream that caused the bit of the shift in the narrator, what caused this change of her feeling better about going to find/ see her sister? From what I could tell it was the fact that in her dream about her sister, she was staring into her sister’s eyes and it felt like her sister attached a piece of herself to the narrator which stayed with her when she awoke which was comforting to her. I just feel like more detail about the actual shift could be useful. I think that your ending is definitely an ending in that it leaves the reader in suspense, and we did see a slight shift but I feel as though there is a lot more to your story than we are currently allowed to see. I like this set up and I think you could really mold this into an intense story! Great job so far with the descriptions and the things you chose to describe as the narrator walked around the house that was still haunted by all of the sisters artifacts. I think that was very insightful for the reader.
Dear Mya,
I loved the description in your story, everything flowed together really nicely. I liked the premise too, I think there’s a lot of story that can happen with that in the short story format. The only thing I can think of that I would like is more – I was surprised we never got to the body viewing. It felt like that event was what the story was building to the most, so it felt a little quick to finish because of it. What if she got to the viewing having finally accepted her sister’s death only to discover that it wasn’t her sister? I would love to see more of this explored, good work!
Dear Cammy,
I thought this was a fun concept, the idea of a dancer losing their legs has many routes it could go, which I thought was really cool. I think you did a good job of capturing character, my only thought was that this might benefit from a point of view switch? It would stay following our main character, only from third person instead of first. I think if you played it as a close third person you would be able to keep a lot of her inner feelings and thoughts about the accident while opening it up to other perspectives and emotions that would give the story a bit of a boost. It could also be played to where someone who’s had recent brain damage/amnesia would probably be a pretty unreliable narrator. Would be interesting to explore, nice story!
Maya,
I found this to be the experience of a form of ignorance. The kind of not knowing if you want to know or not, but needing to know at the same time. A feeling of cautious desire. This story tells a lot with little. There was a lot of implied history with remarks and passing thoughts of the narrator. The mother’s actions and vibe were easily denoted by the narrator’s perception of her. The avoidance and desire to be with her in a time of stress is a very human thing I think many can relate to. I found the lack of narrator name to be a particularly interesting creative choice that fits well with the story. In a way it more allows the reader to step into their shoes. In a way I admire it because while the story is ultimately about the narrator’s feelings, the lack of name leads me to believe that the focus of the story is not the narrator. Rather it is about the emotion, I feel a concentration on the raw feeling of not knowing the fate of a loved one. There is a lot of power behind that emotion that I feel you have tapped into. This emotional experience tends to be quite intense and consuming. I feel you have captured the all consuming portion well and some of the intensity. I think a moment showing perhaps the paralyzing feeling this emotion can bring would be a good addition to appeal to the intensity of the emotion. Overall I found this story a delightful read that highlighted an emotion that can be quite heart wrenching. I did find myself hungering for the fate of the sister, but at the same time that may result in a bit of a drw away from what I saw the potential theme be.
Cammy, I really liked this story. You did such a good job showing the emotion of someone who was in a tragic accident and lost something so important to her. Hearing the narrators internal dialogue was crucial to the story and did such a good thing for the movement of the story. I also really liked how she was so worried about her legs more about dance and less about regular life. The idea of dance and what it meant to her was really important and showed through this story. I think I wanted to see more of the change with her and her memories throughout the story. I liked how you showed her memory loss but I wish that travelled throughout the story more and impacted her and her recovery.
Mya, I really liked this story. You showed the feeling of grieving a sibling, without even knowing if that person is still around. I really liked how you showed the disappearance and leaving of family from our narrator, and how it impacted her. It was done in such a tasteful way that still gave us so much emotion and ideas to think about. I really liked how you set up what was going to happen going forward, and the way that our narrator was ready to admit her sister was gone. I think I would’ve wanted more about the sisters relationship, and how their lack of relationship in the future impacted our narrator. I think that going forward a good way to move this story forward would be to show the car ride, and seeing if it is her sister. I think if we got a lot of this information within thoughts or flashbacks during the car ride would help give more depth to the feelings and emotions of our narrator.
Cammy,
This seems to be a story of surviving and fighting to reclaim the life the narrator once knew. The car accident was an interesting scene that I felt could have been built on well. I liked the whole reclaiming a life you once had. I feel we could have been revealed that she was a dancer by starting her inner monologue of going to a dance and then blinking into the car crash and then into the hospital room. The amnesia was mentioned and then not used super heavily, maybe keep it from the beginning of the story as it feels a little out of place. I feel that you had some interesting points on rejecting the new life and prosthetics and I feel you could tell a powerful story through that. There is determination to get back to the old life, and I feel if we were given specifics on what she is striving for, then we could feel the drive to return other than legs being gone. Overall interesting premise but perhaps if you played into a more singular theme then your story would really shine
Mya,
I loved your short story about a girl pondering the fate of her sister, who disappeared without warning one day. I loved how you focused on the narrator’s internal monologue, debating her fate and having conflicted feelings over how she wanted to see her as she began to move towards acceptance. I also love how you used little details like the lip gloss and the proximity to the transit station to make Eileen feel more alive and tangible. I do have a couple questions. One is whether or not you had decided a fate for Eileen, as I could see the two primary outcomes of her disappearance having vastly different results for our characters. The other is how our narrator knows she chose to leave if there was no conversation about it. I don’t have suggestions so much as I want to know more, as I could see this turning into a larger piece.
Hope this helps!
Rachel
Dear Cammy,
I really enjoyed this story! This story revolves around a girl who lost her legs in a car accident. I think it was really smart of you to make her a dancer as that ratchets up the tension of the story a lot. You were able to capture her voice very well. Obviously going through a traumatic accident like Hannah did, you’re going to have weird emotions and I think you captured that quite well. I think it would be interesting to have had her driving back from a dance recital or competition or something when she got into the accident. Then she could potentially have some negative emotions towards dance before she realizes she really wants to learn to dance again. Speaking of which, I really loved your final sentence. It was very powerful and such a good way to wrap up the story. Overall, this was a good read!
Mya,
This was a great story! It follows the inner turmoil and eventual acceptance that came with the narrator’s sister being missing. I really like the way you described the narrator’s relationship with her mother. That contrast plays beautifully when compared to the narrator’s obsession with keeping the thought of her sister’s survival alive. I am a little confused if they are twins or just sisters. You mentioned going to the beauty supply store at age 13 but then it seems as though our narrator is Eileen’s older sister for the rest of the story. I also wish we had a bit more background on how the sister disappeared but even without that info there is plenty of tension. Overall, I really enjoyed this!
Cammy,
This story got me so emotional! I was so moved by the character’s story of being someone so connected to their movement having that stripped away. I’ve seen similar stories to this happen in real life to my family members, and I feel like you got the hopelessness and the impact of kindness and patience down exactly as I’ve seen it happen before. I really liked the Dr. Reed character; He was a really likable character and served as a lifeline in this story that could be a bit oppressive sometimes. I had some questions and suggestions I noted after reading your story. Are there other more physical things she forgot as a result of her accident? Can she not lift her arms? There could be an opportunity to expand on the oppressive feeling of being stuck in a body you don’t recognize. Page 5, give us a chance to see how the mom is upset at her dancer daughter being legless; Try not to tell us! There’s enough context to feel that despair and the pain that the mother could be going through, but you could add conversations between the mother and father that the daughter overhears to build their perspectives? What kind of physical therapy is she undergoing? Are there other parts of her body that are in disrepair other than her memory? Overall, this story was really moving and I think there’s a lot of directions you could take it! Nice work!
Mya,
I loved reading your story! I thought the dynamic between the mother and daughter was really real and really drove the start of the story in an interesting direction. The passage on page 3 about the vinyl was really compelling to me. I kept coming back to it and the image was so vivid to me. The memories of a sister you once knew but have drifted apart from were so relatable and I really liked the way you conveyed it. The fixation on the lip gloss that their sister first bought years ago that they shared was such a good detail. I loved the way you showed the main character’s love and reverence for her sister even though Eileen never really appears in the present of the story. I really wanted to know why the main character was so disconnected with her sister if she felt so connected and shaped by her in her youth. Why was Eileen running? Was she in danger or just fed up with their mother? I thought it was strange the sisters hadn’t been in contact at all for the last 3 years if she was so important to the main character. Maybe you could say that the main character had been sending letters or trying to text just to get silence in return? There could be an exploration of guilt or feeling at fault for their sister’s disappearance to explore. I think you got across Eileen’s importance to the main character, I wanted to see the main character’s importance to Eileen. Overall, this was a really well written story with some really poignant sections that are sticking with me! Great work Mya!
Dear Mya,
This is the story of a girl remembering and eventually accepting the death of her little sister. Your description and showing Pepper’s life, how unhappy and stuck she’s been for the past three years, was really well-done and very telling. I like that there’s a mystery in how Eileen died. The whole situation is a mystery for the main character too. Eileen is a ghost in Pepper’s life, always there. She refuses to get rid of the ghost or try to move on though, keeping around a thousand little reminders of Eileen’s life. I also like where the story ends, that it doesn’t reveal what happened to Eileen since that’s irrelevant to Pepper’s journey.
I feel like there could have been more conflict and more resolution. The conflict is all internal, but I feel like there’s room for more resistance. The dream didn’t really make sense in leading Pepper to finally accept Eileen’s death. Maybe it could have Eileen in the dream urging Pepper to move on or there could be more detail about what exactly staring into each other’s core felt like and revealed. Maybe that could be part of the freedom aspect you wrote about at the top of page 7.
Dear Cammy,
This is the story of a girl healing after a terrible accident and finding a new way to achieve her dreams. While the story felt rushed in some ways, I liked the character arc of hopelessness turning to hope and determination, with the narrator regressing in her mental recovery at times. It was cool that the narrator had a distinct connection to feeling and touch, whether it was her parent’s hugs or the hospital staff restraining her or the feeling of the prosthetic legs. There’s a lot of dialogue, further expressing this connection to other people while the narrator recovers.
Something that could be improved is how often you tell the reader how the narrator feels rather than letting her express that through thought or body language. Aspects like this took me out of the story, as well as the potential medical inaccuracies, like the narrator being able to put on the prosthetics and walk without help at the end of the story.
The last paragraph is great, but I wish it could have been better interpreted by the reader or told in another way. While the legs and process of healing are great narrative throughlines, I’d have liked to see some symbolism or the narrator being closer to another character that she can tell these feelings she has to, such as a kind nurse or a sibling/friend who comes to visit her in the hospital.
Mya: This is a story about denial and acceptance with the death of Peppers sister. This was a very realistic story as we’ve all experienced loss at some point in our lives and struggling with acceptance is a very real thing and it was portrayed very well. I really like the aspect of mystery in this story it gives the reader the ability to try and interact with the story in solving what happened. The emotion and tension throughout the story also kept the story alive and intense. We can tell that Pepper has a close relationship with the mom but I was hoping to get a little more on Peppers relationship with her father her sister before she distanced. I was wondering if there could be a little more detail towards the sisters disappearance maybe at some foreshadowing or hints but leave it for the reader to solve. Overall Great story!!