Daphne: I would say this is the story of being haunted by one’s reality, or hanuted by something one is trying to get away from. I’m still grappling on which is better suited for the story. First off, your attention to detail in this story was great. It made the different settings come to life and it was easier to pick apart the thematic elements in each. It seemed the narrator had a lot of anxiety about darkness and being watched, at points I could feel the anxiety that was being described. I’m curious to know a little bit more on why they are riddled which such anxiety and antsy to leave Detroit asap. Had they previously dealt with a stalker, have a phobia of living alone, or is it simply being a woman in a sometimes dangerous city? I could have missed something while reading, but it felt like there was more reason to the characters current mental state/situation that wasn’t discussed. I’m also super super curious about this mystery man who starts to follow her. Does he symbolically represent what she’s afraid of becoming due to her impoverished living conditions? I wanted to know more about his connection to the narrator and the story, maybe more could be revealed through dialogue between them. Overall, your story was so interesting and my questions only come from a state of wanting to read more!
Coco: I would say that your story is the story of living under someones control, or really the feeling of restraint itself. I really enjoyed the layers of thematic elements you added in the story, like the wolf symbolism, and how it played a part throughout. It made the story flow well and gave indicators to characters personalities/mental states without many words. Similarly, the story was mostly moved through descriptions and internal dialogue which worked because of the level of detail. Just like the thematic elements it gave the audience clues on the narrator. I found this especially through the italicized sections that mostly correlated with the narrators relationship with their brother, Sandy. There were a few things I was curious to know more about as a reader. The mom was well described through her bad habits and continous comparison to a wolf but I wanted to know more about the direct relationship/tension between her and the narrator. It seemed like there were some issues of the narrator being too emotional for the mother? And maybe something about the narrators eating habits as well? I know there is a definite control or helicopter parent issue. Regardless, I could sense tension, but I want to know more concretely as to why there is tension. This could be done through the dialogue of a fight or a flashback to one. Overall I thought it was a great first draft and the story has a lot of potential.
Coco,
Your story, one of a girl trapped by an emotionally manipulative and toxic woman, does an excellent job sticking with the wolf motif throughout. I wonder if it has something to do with something from the narrator and Sandy’s childhood, maybe a favorite book or plush? You managed to make the feeling of being on a leash feel incredibly tangible, in a way that showcased the narrator’s complicated feelings surrounding Sandy leaving along with her feelings of helplessness she has surrounding her mother. I was curious about the father, as he is only mentioned once during the story— did he leave? Is he a workaholic to avoid dealing with his wife, a bitter woman incapable of taking care of herself? Did he pass away? Is he still there, but emotionally unavailable? I also found that you did an excellent job portraying the cycle of complicated relationships with Sandy and the narrator, as the narrator is now cognisant of how much Sandy did to keep them afloat. I was wondering, if you were to add more to the story, if you could give us more insight into the narrator and Sandy’s aspirations? We know that the narrator is interested in animal behavior, but Sandy feels more like a figure of comfort and stability to the narrator, which is really interesting from a narrative perspective despite me wanting more.
I hope this helps!
Rachel
Dear Daphne,
This is the story of paranoia being pushed to its limits by a grimy stalker. I loved everything about this story. I think it being third person works really well because we are able to know things that Penny doesn’t know like the scrunchie going missing. I think that you really show her worry and panic very well despite it being third person which is done very well. I really loved your description of the man/ thing that is stalking her as well. The repeated character traits like his stench, the coat and his eyes and his smile all really aid in picturing him. It also allows for you to mention things like the scent in her apartment which immediately puts the reader on edge for the main character, Penny, since we know that its his unique, nose hair cinching scent. I really like the idea in general, not to mention your Excentus execution of the idea. We haven’t really had any stories about stalkers or paranoia yet and I feel like this is exactly what I needed or would want to read. You have a lot of tension in this story and I love how well it was written. It actually made me giggle when she ran him over with her car. I like that shift in her because I feel like a very paranoid character wouldn’t have the guts to do that so that was cool. I thought “of course she did” when I read that part because honestly I feel like that is the only logical thing to do but I loved that she did do that. I don’t really have any questions or suggestions as of right now but I feel like some may emerge when we discuss in class because they alway seem to. Really great job on this one! I loved it!
Dear Coco,
This is the story of alcoholism, trauma, manipulation, overthinking and paranoia all mixed into one dysfunctional family. I really like the extended metaphor of your story, there are so many ways you can relate the idea of a wolf’s den to the situation as you so carefully did in your story. I think it could be argued that this is the story of a young college student figuring out who they are coming from such a flawed upbringing. You allude to that idea with the fact that it starts with saying the main character is a wolf but then doesn’t want to bear like their mother and then their mother thinks they are a dog and not a wolf, sometimes a bunny even. I really like that not only you have found multiple connections to the animal world in this extended metaphor but you also give the reader just enough external context to allow for them to know what is going on and be able to relate to the reality of the narrator’s situation. The ways you have describes manipulation in this story are spot on and honestly couldn’t have been described better, thinking specifically of her love being a sickness that’s describes on page 6 and the top of page fiv, with the retreating into her room where things can be kept neat and tidy (trauma response, with their room being the only thing they have control over). I think your story hits a lot of different aspects and it is a very deeply thought out story. I really enjoyed the ending as well with her reaching out to her brother, someone who knows the situation and may be of some help in her time of struggling with dealing with her mother alone and being in college which is a big and confusing step especially for someone of this background and upbringing. Great job here!
Daphne, I really liked this story. I really loved how you described this paranoia of our main character and how much she was going through in this story. I really liked how the story was in third person because it gave so much more detail about the surroundings of our narrator while also giving us some details about what was going in within the narrators mind. I think this type of story could be hard to do but you executed it flawlessly. You showed the emotion and tension and anxiety that this character felt and how much was going on with this person during that time. I think that I wanted more about why our narrator wanted to leave Detroit, what was it that made her want to leave so much? What was going on within her life that made her so scared or anxious about Detroit and wanting o leave so badly? I was also really curious about the stalker. While it feels like this could be a real person, I also think that I could see it being a figure of her imagination, being some sort of embodiment of what Detroit it and why she wants to get out. Throughout the entire time I was expecting no one else to notice this man, and that it was only haunting our narrator. I think that could be a cool angle to take the story, but I do also like the idea of him being a real person.
Coco, I really liked this story. It was such a well written story based on a metaphor. I really liked how the metaphor intertwined with our narrators life as well as her career choice in college. It really worked well together. I also liked how you kept us pretty contained to the narrators mind and gave us the entire description and understanding of her relationship with her mother. I think that hearing the way she felt about her mother and the manipulation her mother used on her. I wanted to know about the relationship between our narrator, her mother and her brother. What did their childhood look like? Has their mother always been like this? I wanted to understand more of the background to help me understand the tension and why this life was becoming to much for our narrator to bear.
Coco,
I found this story to be quite a vivid journey through the mind of our narrator. The narrator seems to have some sort of complicated struggle against their mother. A sort of distain towards them, yet I detected hints of admiration and longing to be tough and headstrong like the mother. There were a lot of parallels between the typical imagery of wolves and the mother and narrator. The narrator describes the mother like a wolf and wanting to be a wolf like her, but without the negatives. I found a strong sense of wanting to be free of the mother. Wanting to be one’s own person separate from the mother. I felt the varied structure of the paragraphs really diversified the piece, and the missing of the brother was an interesting point to compare the good and bad in the narrator’s life.
Daphne,
To start, the tension in this story rocked. Putting a very real and plausible threat in the mind of the reader worked leagues for making the whole story compelling. The stench of a late-night customer is something I know all too well, and I could almost feel the awkwardness. The countdown to leave was effective, I felt like I was almost counting with our narrator, and I enjoyed the disregard for the countdown towards the end. Trying to shake the creep vibe while going to your car or going home alone is a hard thing to do and it was captured well here. The creep factor of the old man(?) was through the roof and in a good way. His presence and concept lingering in our narrator’s head absolutely was felt. I did not quite understand why Jackson seemed a tad oblivious to the whole situation, did our narrator not at least tell him of this issue, but regardless this played well to the ordeal. I enjoyed the title tie in, very clever. The paranoid maybe not fully accurate description of the man in the headlights I found to be quite effective as when one is paranoid and driving at night, normal things seem way stranger than they are.
Daphne,
Your short story about paranoia and stalking had me on the edge of my seat the entire time while reading it. Penny’s paranoia felt incredibly tangible, especially as a young woman myself. The almost supernatural man following her instantly gave me a red flag, and this story perfectly leans into that instinct of ‘this person is unsafe’ with Penny’s immediate disinterest in him. I found it really interesting how you implied that she was already paranoid early on with the description of the security camera she gives, as well as how you blended psychological horror aspects into your piece. I was wondering if this man really did have something supernatural about him, or if he happened to somehow know the real Celia, as he points out, rather disturbingly, that Penny did not smell like Celia. I was also wondering if the name Celia was intention, as in some contexts, the name Celia means ‘blind,’ much like how Penny was ‘blind’ to any information about this man or the fact that he was at one point in her house, or, to go a layer deeper, blind to the fact that she had nothing keeping her in Detroit. My only suggestion is really to give us more (though it works excellently in this short context), as I found it really intriguing.
Hope this helps!
Rachel
Dear Coco,
This story is hauntingly beautiful. It is about a girl learning to deal with her abusive mother while her brother has gotten out. I really love the idea that the mother is a wolf and the daughter wishes to become one so badly despite simultaneously being terrified of turning into one. You did a great job of capturing what it feels like to love in a broken household. While the way you describe things in this story, particularly feelings, is extremely vivid, I found myself being a little taken out of the story a bit by how incredibly descriptive it all was and the repetitiveness of the wolf comparison. There is definitely a happy medium you can find. Overall this was amazing though!
Dear Daphne,
This story was incredible! I did not expect that ending at all. I really like the voice you gave Penny. Her anxiety was palpable and that really added to the suspense of the story. Some questions I have are what exactly is the deal with the smelly man? Is he a homeless person or just a regular creep? Does Penny suspect any police will be coming after her? I think a good cliffhanger always works but consider my curiosity piqued nonetheless.
Dear Daphne,
This story is a horror story about a girl trapped between a rock and a hard place, or between her savings account and a stalker. The introduction of the man was awesome with your description of the stench of rot, making the readers feel uneasy with just a different descriptor. Penny feels trapped, even in the middle of the story, and I love that you upped the tension just by counting down the weeks until she can leave. You let the reader sit in this paranoia, especially with the use of the omniscient third person narrator, dramatic irony. I like that the protagonist decides not to wait and just gets out of dodge as soon as she can, as well as the determination she has when she kills the guy without any guilt. Also love that she reveals he was never a person, but something else. Horror of the unknown.
I thought something was going to come out of the anxiety meds, like she was going to crash and it would be revealed that she never actually escaped. More than that though, I’d like to hear more about Penny’s life. Does she have any friends in Detroit? What kind of security does she have in her life? What does she do in her free time? Does she only think about leaving for California?
Dear Coco,
This is the story of a girl equating her home life and relationship with her mother to a wolves den that she’s stuck in. I really like the extended wolf metaphor with the protagonist in this intermediate space. Is she a wolf or a dog, or is she something else entirely? The protagonist knows what she is, but the reader may have a different opinion, which I like. She lives in an abusive home and the reality of the behavior that comes from it, escapism, compliance, avoidance, guilt, is well-done. There’s some great description in here as well, especially about the wolf metaphor and how the protagonist differentiates between her own and her mother’s behaviors.
This isn’t much of a narrative, unfortunately. It feels more like a character thinking, reminiscing on her life. I’d like some dialogue instead of just backstory. Is Sandy the brother? Make this clearer earlier on. I thought Sandy might be the mother’s new boyfriend or something and was confused as to whether the brother still lived there at first. You’re revealing information to the reader, but it’s a double-edged sword because you have to make sure the information is easy to follow. Not only the characters, but the order of events as well.
Coco: This is a story about a girl who needs to escape her toxic situation and be freed. I first off really like the title of the story. The emotion within the story is very well detailed and heartfelt. I could feel the pain she felt. I love the dog/wolf metaphors and the idea of predator and prey. There’s a lack of dialogue, I do think some more would be beneficial just to get a more personal understanding of the characters minds other than that third person perspective. A question I have is about the family specifically the mother. What background caused the mother to be as toxic as she? Also why doesn’t the narrator want to be like her mom so much if she’s so toxic? What aspects is desired?
Daphne: This is a story about a stalkers obsession over this girl. I could feel the anxiety and fear in the dialogue and description. The story gives a thriller aspect which we haven’t read too much on so that was a cool perspective and kept me on my toes the whole time. The description of the stalker and Penny’s reactions were very visible and had me feel just as Penny did. A question I have is mostly on the stalker. Does he have mental issues? Is he confused or lost? I suggest giving a little more on him to get a better understanding of his obsessions.
Coco,
I really liked the almost visceral descriptions of wolves eating meat off of bones. They reminded me of the feelings of erosion one might feel from being around someone like the mother in this story who demands so much while giving very little. Your writing is so lyrical and so poetic, it’s really interesting to read this piece. The overall thread throughout of the wolf vs. dog was really intriguing to me and helped to characterize the people in this story a lot. The analogies of this broken family was really well done, though I wanted some reason why the mom has been awful to her kids. We know the verbal abuse and bad housing conditions but where is the Dad? Mom didn’t originally want the kids, how did this influence her relationship? Did they have to flee him, leaving the whole family damaged? There’s also potential to have an interaction between the mom and daughter as well. I wanted more on the reasons Sandy left, other than just escaping. Is there another reason he left? It also makes me wonder how much Sandy would worry about his younger sister after he left. Did he leave messages to his sister that she simply didn’t see? Essentially, this is the story of a daughter trapped in a narcissistic mother’s home and searching for escape in her brother. Great work and amazing word choices Coco!
Daphne,
The title was really clever. The whole story I was wondering when it was going to pay off and it was really cool to see it all come full circle. I almost laughed while reading the ending because it just felt so effective and the payoff felt so earned. I really loved the repetition of “There are X weeks until she can move out of the city”. It helped to really ground us in the time of the story. The relationship between Jackson and the main character felt very real and both of these people felt like real characters. I loved the idea of a supernatural being that you can’t explain following you. It made for the story with super high tension which grabbed me tightly while reading. As for a suggestion, I wanted more concrete clues in the story that the man following her was actually a supernatural being. By the end I got the picture, but I felt a little confused (which could also be the intention, as it puts us in the main character’s shoes). Maybe you could include another interaction between the mystery man and the waitress when the other patron is in the bar? Having another person reaffirm that the waitress’ reservations of the mystery guy would maybe help ground the story a bit more? Jackson does affirm the waitress’ concern of the man’s smell, but more of his actions towards the waitress might be good. You could potentially include an interaction between the sisters at the end of the story to double down on the ending’s cleverness. By the end, we understand that this is the story of a waitress living in Detroit working the night shift to afford to leave when a mysterious entity starts to stalk her. Great work!
11 thoughts on “JOURNAL # 27”
Daphne: I would say this is the story of being haunted by one’s reality, or hanuted by something one is trying to get away from. I’m still grappling on which is better suited for the story. First off, your attention to detail in this story was great. It made the different settings come to life and it was easier to pick apart the thematic elements in each. It seemed the narrator had a lot of anxiety about darkness and being watched, at points I could feel the anxiety that was being described. I’m curious to know a little bit more on why they are riddled which such anxiety and antsy to leave Detroit asap. Had they previously dealt with a stalker, have a phobia of living alone, or is it simply being a woman in a sometimes dangerous city? I could have missed something while reading, but it felt like there was more reason to the characters current mental state/situation that wasn’t discussed. I’m also super super curious about this mystery man who starts to follow her. Does he symbolically represent what she’s afraid of becoming due to her impoverished living conditions? I wanted to know more about his connection to the narrator and the story, maybe more could be revealed through dialogue between them. Overall, your story was so interesting and my questions only come from a state of wanting to read more!
Coco: I would say that your story is the story of living under someones control, or really the feeling of restraint itself. I really enjoyed the layers of thematic elements you added in the story, like the wolf symbolism, and how it played a part throughout. It made the story flow well and gave indicators to characters personalities/mental states without many words. Similarly, the story was mostly moved through descriptions and internal dialogue which worked because of the level of detail. Just like the thematic elements it gave the audience clues on the narrator. I found this especially through the italicized sections that mostly correlated with the narrators relationship with their brother, Sandy. There were a few things I was curious to know more about as a reader. The mom was well described through her bad habits and continous comparison to a wolf but I wanted to know more about the direct relationship/tension between her and the narrator. It seemed like there were some issues of the narrator being too emotional for the mother? And maybe something about the narrators eating habits as well? I know there is a definite control or helicopter parent issue. Regardless, I could sense tension, but I want to know more concretely as to why there is tension. This could be done through the dialogue of a fight or a flashback to one. Overall I thought it was a great first draft and the story has a lot of potential.
Coco,
Your story, one of a girl trapped by an emotionally manipulative and toxic woman, does an excellent job sticking with the wolf motif throughout. I wonder if it has something to do with something from the narrator and Sandy’s childhood, maybe a favorite book or plush? You managed to make the feeling of being on a leash feel incredibly tangible, in a way that showcased the narrator’s complicated feelings surrounding Sandy leaving along with her feelings of helplessness she has surrounding her mother. I was curious about the father, as he is only mentioned once during the story— did he leave? Is he a workaholic to avoid dealing with his wife, a bitter woman incapable of taking care of herself? Did he pass away? Is he still there, but emotionally unavailable? I also found that you did an excellent job portraying the cycle of complicated relationships with Sandy and the narrator, as the narrator is now cognisant of how much Sandy did to keep them afloat. I was wondering, if you were to add more to the story, if you could give us more insight into the narrator and Sandy’s aspirations? We know that the narrator is interested in animal behavior, but Sandy feels more like a figure of comfort and stability to the narrator, which is really interesting from a narrative perspective despite me wanting more.
I hope this helps!
Rachel
Dear Daphne,
This is the story of paranoia being pushed to its limits by a grimy stalker. I loved everything about this story. I think it being third person works really well because we are able to know things that Penny doesn’t know like the scrunchie going missing. I think that you really show her worry and panic very well despite it being third person which is done very well. I really loved your description of the man/ thing that is stalking her as well. The repeated character traits like his stench, the coat and his eyes and his smile all really aid in picturing him. It also allows for you to mention things like the scent in her apartment which immediately puts the reader on edge for the main character, Penny, since we know that its his unique, nose hair cinching scent. I really like the idea in general, not to mention your Excentus execution of the idea. We haven’t really had any stories about stalkers or paranoia yet and I feel like this is exactly what I needed or would want to read. You have a lot of tension in this story and I love how well it was written. It actually made me giggle when she ran him over with her car. I like that shift in her because I feel like a very paranoid character wouldn’t have the guts to do that so that was cool. I thought “of course she did” when I read that part because honestly I feel like that is the only logical thing to do but I loved that she did do that. I don’t really have any questions or suggestions as of right now but I feel like some may emerge when we discuss in class because they alway seem to. Really great job on this one! I loved it!
Dear Coco,
This is the story of alcoholism, trauma, manipulation, overthinking and paranoia all mixed into one dysfunctional family. I really like the extended metaphor of your story, there are so many ways you can relate the idea of a wolf’s den to the situation as you so carefully did in your story. I think it could be argued that this is the story of a young college student figuring out who they are coming from such a flawed upbringing. You allude to that idea with the fact that it starts with saying the main character is a wolf but then doesn’t want to bear like their mother and then their mother thinks they are a dog and not a wolf, sometimes a bunny even. I really like that not only you have found multiple connections to the animal world in this extended metaphor but you also give the reader just enough external context to allow for them to know what is going on and be able to relate to the reality of the narrator’s situation. The ways you have describes manipulation in this story are spot on and honestly couldn’t have been described better, thinking specifically of her love being a sickness that’s describes on page 6 and the top of page fiv, with the retreating into her room where things can be kept neat and tidy (trauma response, with their room being the only thing they have control over). I think your story hits a lot of different aspects and it is a very deeply thought out story. I really enjoyed the ending as well with her reaching out to her brother, someone who knows the situation and may be of some help in her time of struggling with dealing with her mother alone and being in college which is a big and confusing step especially for someone of this background and upbringing. Great job here!
Daphne, I really liked this story. I really loved how you described this paranoia of our main character and how much she was going through in this story. I really liked how the story was in third person because it gave so much more detail about the surroundings of our narrator while also giving us some details about what was going in within the narrators mind. I think this type of story could be hard to do but you executed it flawlessly. You showed the emotion and tension and anxiety that this character felt and how much was going on with this person during that time. I think that I wanted more about why our narrator wanted to leave Detroit, what was it that made her want to leave so much? What was going on within her life that made her so scared or anxious about Detroit and wanting o leave so badly? I was also really curious about the stalker. While it feels like this could be a real person, I also think that I could see it being a figure of her imagination, being some sort of embodiment of what Detroit it and why she wants to get out. Throughout the entire time I was expecting no one else to notice this man, and that it was only haunting our narrator. I think that could be a cool angle to take the story, but I do also like the idea of him being a real person.
Coco, I really liked this story. It was such a well written story based on a metaphor. I really liked how the metaphor intertwined with our narrators life as well as her career choice in college. It really worked well together. I also liked how you kept us pretty contained to the narrators mind and gave us the entire description and understanding of her relationship with her mother. I think that hearing the way she felt about her mother and the manipulation her mother used on her. I wanted to know about the relationship between our narrator, her mother and her brother. What did their childhood look like? Has their mother always been like this? I wanted to understand more of the background to help me understand the tension and why this life was becoming to much for our narrator to bear.
Coco,
I found this story to be quite a vivid journey through the mind of our narrator. The narrator seems to have some sort of complicated struggle against their mother. A sort of distain towards them, yet I detected hints of admiration and longing to be tough and headstrong like the mother. There were a lot of parallels between the typical imagery of wolves and the mother and narrator. The narrator describes the mother like a wolf and wanting to be a wolf like her, but without the negatives. I found a strong sense of wanting to be free of the mother. Wanting to be one’s own person separate from the mother. I felt the varied structure of the paragraphs really diversified the piece, and the missing of the brother was an interesting point to compare the good and bad in the narrator’s life.
Daphne,
To start, the tension in this story rocked. Putting a very real and plausible threat in the mind of the reader worked leagues for making the whole story compelling. The stench of a late-night customer is something I know all too well, and I could almost feel the awkwardness. The countdown to leave was effective, I felt like I was almost counting with our narrator, and I enjoyed the disregard for the countdown towards the end. Trying to shake the creep vibe while going to your car or going home alone is a hard thing to do and it was captured well here. The creep factor of the old man(?) was through the roof and in a good way. His presence and concept lingering in our narrator’s head absolutely was felt. I did not quite understand why Jackson seemed a tad oblivious to the whole situation, did our narrator not at least tell him of this issue, but regardless this played well to the ordeal. I enjoyed the title tie in, very clever. The paranoid maybe not fully accurate description of the man in the headlights I found to be quite effective as when one is paranoid and driving at night, normal things seem way stranger than they are.
Daphne,
Your short story about paranoia and stalking had me on the edge of my seat the entire time while reading it. Penny’s paranoia felt incredibly tangible, especially as a young woman myself. The almost supernatural man following her instantly gave me a red flag, and this story perfectly leans into that instinct of ‘this person is unsafe’ with Penny’s immediate disinterest in him. I found it really interesting how you implied that she was already paranoid early on with the description of the security camera she gives, as well as how you blended psychological horror aspects into your piece. I was wondering if this man really did have something supernatural about him, or if he happened to somehow know the real Celia, as he points out, rather disturbingly, that Penny did not smell like Celia. I was also wondering if the name Celia was intention, as in some contexts, the name Celia means ‘blind,’ much like how Penny was ‘blind’ to any information about this man or the fact that he was at one point in her house, or, to go a layer deeper, blind to the fact that she had nothing keeping her in Detroit. My only suggestion is really to give us more (though it works excellently in this short context), as I found it really intriguing.
Hope this helps!
Rachel
Dear Coco,
This story is hauntingly beautiful. It is about a girl learning to deal with her abusive mother while her brother has gotten out. I really love the idea that the mother is a wolf and the daughter wishes to become one so badly despite simultaneously being terrified of turning into one. You did a great job of capturing what it feels like to love in a broken household. While the way you describe things in this story, particularly feelings, is extremely vivid, I found myself being a little taken out of the story a bit by how incredibly descriptive it all was and the repetitiveness of the wolf comparison. There is definitely a happy medium you can find. Overall this was amazing though!
Dear Daphne,
This story was incredible! I did not expect that ending at all. I really like the voice you gave Penny. Her anxiety was palpable and that really added to the suspense of the story. Some questions I have are what exactly is the deal with the smelly man? Is he a homeless person or just a regular creep? Does Penny suspect any police will be coming after her? I think a good cliffhanger always works but consider my curiosity piqued nonetheless.
Dear Daphne,
This story is a horror story about a girl trapped between a rock and a hard place, or between her savings account and a stalker. The introduction of the man was awesome with your description of the stench of rot, making the readers feel uneasy with just a different descriptor. Penny feels trapped, even in the middle of the story, and I love that you upped the tension just by counting down the weeks until she can leave. You let the reader sit in this paranoia, especially with the use of the omniscient third person narrator, dramatic irony. I like that the protagonist decides not to wait and just gets out of dodge as soon as she can, as well as the determination she has when she kills the guy without any guilt. Also love that she reveals he was never a person, but something else. Horror of the unknown.
I thought something was going to come out of the anxiety meds, like she was going to crash and it would be revealed that she never actually escaped. More than that though, I’d like to hear more about Penny’s life. Does she have any friends in Detroit? What kind of security does she have in her life? What does she do in her free time? Does she only think about leaving for California?
Dear Coco,
This is the story of a girl equating her home life and relationship with her mother to a wolves den that she’s stuck in. I really like the extended wolf metaphor with the protagonist in this intermediate space. Is she a wolf or a dog, or is she something else entirely? The protagonist knows what she is, but the reader may have a different opinion, which I like. She lives in an abusive home and the reality of the behavior that comes from it, escapism, compliance, avoidance, guilt, is well-done. There’s some great description in here as well, especially about the wolf metaphor and how the protagonist differentiates between her own and her mother’s behaviors.
This isn’t much of a narrative, unfortunately. It feels more like a character thinking, reminiscing on her life. I’d like some dialogue instead of just backstory. Is Sandy the brother? Make this clearer earlier on. I thought Sandy might be the mother’s new boyfriend or something and was confused as to whether the brother still lived there at first. You’re revealing information to the reader, but it’s a double-edged sword because you have to make sure the information is easy to follow. Not only the characters, but the order of events as well.
Coco: This is a story about a girl who needs to escape her toxic situation and be freed. I first off really like the title of the story. The emotion within the story is very well detailed and heartfelt. I could feel the pain she felt. I love the dog/wolf metaphors and the idea of predator and prey. There’s a lack of dialogue, I do think some more would be beneficial just to get a more personal understanding of the characters minds other than that third person perspective. A question I have is about the family specifically the mother. What background caused the mother to be as toxic as she? Also why doesn’t the narrator want to be like her mom so much if she’s so toxic? What aspects is desired?
Daphne: This is a story about a stalkers obsession over this girl. I could feel the anxiety and fear in the dialogue and description. The story gives a thriller aspect which we haven’t read too much on so that was a cool perspective and kept me on my toes the whole time. The description of the stalker and Penny’s reactions were very visible and had me feel just as Penny did. A question I have is mostly on the stalker. Does he have mental issues? Is he confused or lost? I suggest giving a little more on him to get a better understanding of his obsessions.
Coco,
I really liked the almost visceral descriptions of wolves eating meat off of bones. They reminded me of the feelings of erosion one might feel from being around someone like the mother in this story who demands so much while giving very little. Your writing is so lyrical and so poetic, it’s really interesting to read this piece. The overall thread throughout of the wolf vs. dog was really intriguing to me and helped to characterize the people in this story a lot. The analogies of this broken family was really well done, though I wanted some reason why the mom has been awful to her kids. We know the verbal abuse and bad housing conditions but where is the Dad? Mom didn’t originally want the kids, how did this influence her relationship? Did they have to flee him, leaving the whole family damaged? There’s also potential to have an interaction between the mom and daughter as well. I wanted more on the reasons Sandy left, other than just escaping. Is there another reason he left? It also makes me wonder how much Sandy would worry about his younger sister after he left. Did he leave messages to his sister that she simply didn’t see? Essentially, this is the story of a daughter trapped in a narcissistic mother’s home and searching for escape in her brother. Great work and amazing word choices Coco!
Daphne,
The title was really clever. The whole story I was wondering when it was going to pay off and it was really cool to see it all come full circle. I almost laughed while reading the ending because it just felt so effective and the payoff felt so earned. I really loved the repetition of “There are X weeks until she can move out of the city”. It helped to really ground us in the time of the story. The relationship between Jackson and the main character felt very real and both of these people felt like real characters. I loved the idea of a supernatural being that you can’t explain following you. It made for the story with super high tension which grabbed me tightly while reading. As for a suggestion, I wanted more concrete clues in the story that the man following her was actually a supernatural being. By the end I got the picture, but I felt a little confused (which could also be the intention, as it puts us in the main character’s shoes). Maybe you could include another interaction between the mystery man and the waitress when the other patron is in the bar? Having another person reaffirm that the waitress’ reservations of the mystery guy would maybe help ground the story a bit more? Jackson does affirm the waitress’ concern of the man’s smell, but more of his actions towards the waitress might be good. You could potentially include an interaction between the sisters at the end of the story to double down on the ending’s cleverness. By the end, we understand that this is the story of a waitress living in Detroit working the night shift to afford to leave when a mysterious entity starts to stalk her. Great work!