Dear Brady,
This is the story of a grumpy old soul brought back to life by a young woman who convinces him to become a soldier once again. I really like your set up, similar to I believe it was Lizzie’s story, yes it is a different world, fantasy type, but it was not hard to be put into that mindset and I feel like prior knowledge could be leaned on in order to help fill in any gaps. I like that you made it clear how giants were made which increased the tension since they are crafted and not born meaning they could not continue as a species since they could only be created by the gods that are now dead. I personally liked that you made Eyre such a secretive and unknown factor almost. At first one would think that she was just some young and dumb human but then there were things about her that didn’t add up to normal human qualities. I also liked that we don’t get to know in the end if she was human or something else or really what her deal was since she was there when Helgar was in such a drunken state. I feel like she was just there in reality to recruit Helgar for the end of the world battle which I think is really cool that you chose to show us that aspect leading into the fight that we don’t get to see, yet we see this shift in Helgar and even in Eyre. I honestly really liked this story and how you portrayed it even though I am not the biggest fan of this type of genre you were able to keep me wanting to read more. I thought the dialogue felt really natural and it was not something that was hard to read in that it didn’t seen to drag. I obviously would love to read more, know if he meets up with eyre ever again or if maybe she was just some sorta figment of his imagination but at the same time I really enjoy how it is now, with the ending being what it is. I also love the dialogue from Helgar at the end, I thought that really drove home the fact that eyre is a bit of a mystery and most likely not a human like we thought. Great job with this!
Brady,
I enjoyed your story that is, at its heart, about someone who has lost purpose and enjoyment as time has gone on, only to meet someone who inspires him to find meaning again by helping others. I loved your incorporation of fantasy elements into a story about very human emotions, as it felt very symbolic of generational divides with the giants being so much older compared to humans. I also love the details of Eyre (seemingly) being a chatty, younger person, as it contrasted the gruffness of Helgar, while also including her being a bit mysterious, as it definitely lends itself to being (wait for it) a bigger project, while also still working for a short story. I was wondering if we could hear more about Helgar’s relationships with other giants on a more individual level to make his loneliness feel more tangible. I also wonder if making the gods have more a parental role in Helgar and the other giants’ life could lend itself to a dynamic of lost family or lack of faith in previous generations.
Hope this helps!
Rachel
This is a story of a giant carrying the weight of believing he is one of the only left of his kind. He lives alone, likes his peace, or at least, he thinks that is what he wants, until a human showing up on his porch brings something into his life he hadn’t realized he was missing, and that is connection and purpose. I really like the detailed imagery, the depth of the world that was created, and how the world-building was explained. I felt that the world-building was not difficult to follow and that it wasn’t too much or too little. This aspect of the story was sprinkled throughout the pages, and intertwined with dialogue to move the story forward. The characters were very interesting as well. Reading from the perspective of a giant was something new, and yet, I didn’t feel as though I was reading from the perspective of a species different from my own. This is a compliment, because you made him very real, someone we could empathize with, and someone whose mind was easy to transition into. My one suggestion would have to be that throughout the story I noticed some frequent words that were occasionally used close together in the same sentence or just more than once in a paragraph in a way that felt, at least, to me, slightly repetitive. One example I found it this sentence, “Hoping to just sleep off whatever had just happened, and wake up the next morning like nothing had happened.” In this sentence, the word “happened” felt slightly redundant. Some other commonly used words that were occasionally close together in a way that stood out to me was the usage of the word “door,” and also at times, the main character’s name. Other than those tiny details, I thoroughly enjoyed this fun read!
I liked how you decided to write a story from the point of view of what would usually be considered an antagonist. We’ve had a lot of stories about good people so far so it’s been fun to switch perspectives! I wish the story had gone a little bit longer, as it would have been great to see if this character grew at all from his relationship with Monica or if he’s going to continue as he always has. I think there’s a lot of great places these characters could evolve to if given the chance and I’d love to see them explored. Does Monica move on and our protagonist gets jealous? Does our protagonist move on and realize how unfairly he treated Monica? good job!
Dear Brady,
I think this is a very fun fantasy world you’ve set up. Because I’m a sucker for the logistics aspect of a fantasy world, there are things I’m curious about that I would love to see more of in the story. What is the relationship between giants and humans like? We see that it’s positive in the story, but the giant’s isolation suggests a want to be apart. Do the humans revere them because they were crafted by the Gods? Are they worshiped? The sun hasn’t set for a month, how has that affected crops? I imagine a famine isn’t far off, would our main character be affected or is this a problem solely for the human town? Does he feel any sympathy for them? If so, maybe that sympathy is a contributing factor for him joining the caravan? Good stuff!
This is the story of a guy who is continuing the patterns of his parents’ relationship from the past and a girl stuck in a controlling relationship, trying to be her own person, but being tied down by her partner’s expectations. I enjoyed the complexity of his character. He has a lot of flaws and I feel that you did an excellent job not only conveying these flaws, but also explaining his background, and bringing the reader along with his emotions to help us understand his character. I thoroughly enjoyed how you conveyed emotions within this story. I felt that the tension grew and ebbed with the intensity of the character’s emotions in a nice rhythm. The dialogue also had a natural flow . I felt that the way the character’s emotions played off of each other was also very well done and realistic. You had some nice lines in this story that really showed off your creativity as a writer. I particularly liked, “I opened the picture she had sent me and it was like I was looking at a distorted mirror, seeing nothing but a picture of myself, but only seeing my left side through the window of my car…” My one suggestion, would be that there were times where I felt as though I wasn’t rooting for their relationship in the sense that I feel like there could have been more substance to it to make it more conflicting when they start to fight. In other words, you could possibly dial up the tension a little by adding an aspect to their relationship that makes it more upsetting to loose. Maybe they were childhood sweethearts, for example. In conclusion, I enjoyed this story! Great job!
Brady,
I got a vibe revolving around fate and a destined encounter. Throughout this story I found myself captivated by the world. The cryptic theme of there being “dead gods” and how the main character and narrator seem to know this is interesting. I specify Helgar and narrator 1) because the story is told in third person and 2) there was a part of this story when Eyre was wanting mead, there was either a typo or intentionally put “we” when Helgar went searching for the mead. This intrigued me quite a bit especially when Eyre disappeared and Helgar had a dream. While Helgar claims the gods are dead, perhaps we the ones reading and the narrator are the so-called “dead gods.” Was Eyre part of these dead gods or a proxy for their will? This all just got my mind infatuated with the concept that I stuck with it regardless of it being a potential typo that kicked it all off. I would love to see perhaps an expansion on that theme. I also vibe with Helgar’s grumpiness. Him being a “cowardly soldier” and having to maybe carry on his people’s history is very interesting as well. I liked the concept of that. The mystery behind the existential threat of the world ending and who and what the dredge are and are doing kept my interest largely throughout the story. The only real gripe I have, is maybe, if the intention was there, leaning into the narrator and Eyre being some of the dead gods, and clear up the paragraph introducing the axe for the first time. All in all, an interesting read.
Kassidy,
I found this story to be one of fragile promises, weak mental fortitude, and flimsy communication (passion). The story is told from the perspective of Jordan, our male lead. He seems to be a typically blue collar working man, the type of guy to work 30 hours a day. He lives on a farm with his father and kickboxes. Monica, our female lead, is a med bio student who enjoys tennis. I found this story to be a bit of a roller coaster. It was pretty sweet in the beginning, with a lovely morning, bonding over the farm, mutual understandings, before plunging into a complex situation towards the end. I like how neither party was particularly in the right. Jordan was controlling, and seemingly hot headed. Monica, didn’t seem to be all that attuned to his boundaries or concerns. Jordan was patient with Monica who was regularly hanging out with an ex, and this is understandably upsetting to Jordan who tried to ask her to not. At the same time Jordan should have no say in what Monica does with her body. Monica too should respect his boundaries, and Jordan should give Monica more freedom. I found the friend at the end of the story to be particularly toxic with how she handled the situation. There was an argument yes, and she wasn’t in the wrong to stick around to make sure her friend was ok, but she should also mind her own damn business. The fact that Monica herself agreed her and Jordan have a lot to talk about and was dragged away from communicating like an adult made me furious. Even though the character had a very short appearance I despised her. This though I did not see as a problem. I found that as a whole you painted a very sticky situation very well.
Kassidy,
This is a story about cylical toxicity and issues of control. It focuses on two main characters, Jordan, who lives on his family farm and is very rooted in what he perceives to be normal, and his girlfriend, Monica, a medical biology major and tennis player. Though it is clear they care about each other, their ideas of how relationships should be and the pressures of people around them drive them in a massive argument by the end of the story. Jordan, who grew up in a more conservative household with his father implied to be domineering over his wife’s life, acts controlling and possessive of Monica, most likely because he doesn’t know what other relationship dynamics look like that are healthy. Even in the beginning of the story, he talks about how sheltered Monica is, but in actuality, it is Jordan who is sheltered in many ways, as he doesn’t understand that Monica is allowed to make choices about her body for himself, that just because she has grown up in a ‘white collar’ world, it doesn’t mean she’s naive. I thought that this was really interesting, and like how you portrayed Jordan as being a product of his surroundings and parents. I was a bit lost on the situation with Monica’s friend, though it very well could be me not reading something right. Was she actually flirting with him, or was Jordan struggling with the idea of Monica having guy friends, as that is something that many men seem to have a hard time wrapping their heads around? I like the ending of the story, my only real suggestion is to clarify the deal with Monica’s friend, and to give us a bit more to root for in their relationship (or, if you’re trying to portray Jordan as his own antagonist and unreliable narrator, lean more into that).
Hope this helps!
Rachel
Brady,
I really liked the dialogue you included. It flowed really naturally and felt like a real conversation. The dynamic between the grouchy giant and the hyper-active/curious human was a really interesting one to me. The lore of the world that you build in just a few short pages was really in depth and made sense. There could be an opportunity to show us more of Helgan’s outlook on the world rather than telling us. I felt like the image of Helgan’s axe was really strong and was a good metaphor for an old soldier who is beaten down by his past. I think I was a little lost in the end and felt like I got mixed up about whether Eyre was a god in disguise or if she just was genuinely interested in him joining the caravan for innocent reasons; Was there an explicit reason Helgan thinks the gods are dead, and would it be fathomable for them to have survived? I think you could explore more of Heglan’s distaste towards gods and his memories of being forged. These themes were really intriguing and I wanted more of them! Overall really great work on this story, it was a fun read!
Kassidy,
This character was so sketchy from the very beginning and got even worse as the story went on. This character was the epitome of an unreliable narrator, which made this story a really interesting read. It was clever to have a character that dislikes the way his father acts but is exactly like him. It reminds me of that old adage, “When you get older, you turn into your parents.” The overarching themes of your parents’ relationship influencing your relationships was well placed and didn’t feel heavy handed. I was so relieved by the ending; It was so sad seeing a woman in a relationship that was terrible for her constantly sacrificing her interests and life for him. As for a suggestion, I really wanted to see a redeeming quality to the main character. I found myself just hating him by the very end, which could’ve been intended, but it might be more interesting to have a character who is fighting to have a different outcome than his parents. He might be a much more likable character if he is trying to get better or fight his habits but keeps slipping into his old patterns. Also, was there a past relationship of his where there was a lot of distrust? Does he have a reason other than his upbringing for being so concerned about his girlfriend being alone with another guy? This story was really interesting and I think there’s a lot to build on to make it even better! Great work!
Dear Brady,
This is the story of a giant opening up to a strange woman who lands on his doorstep, eventually deciding to abandon his life of solitude. I really like that there’s a sense of distant community with other giants and a bigger world when other people and places are mentioned. There’s a mythology to this world, one that includes dead or missing gods and the reminder that they were there. It takes place in a land of eternal day, which is a very interesting setting for a story. I love that this woman seems like she came to Helgar’s home on purpose with the purpose of getting him to help the humans. She’s extremely confident and bold, like an enchantress from a fairy tale, but I think you could go more into her character instead of her being more of a tool for the plot.
While your dialogue is pretty clunky, similar to your first story in some ways, it admittedly works for the woman because she feels strange and doesn’t say things that a normal human facing a giant would. You have a strange repetition in your language, like saying “particularly pious” two lines in a row on page 7, punctuation errors, and run-on sentences. Finally, you might want to rethink how the exposition in the beginning is structured. I think the punctuation was what mostly unnerved me, but that part also reads like a script for a DND campaign rather than a short story.
Dear Kassidy,
This is the story of a progressing relationship from the perspective of a controlling boyfriend. It’s pretty clear that Jordan has a lot of red flags. He dismisses Monica and her desires, achievements, abilities, is angry when she does things he doesn’t like, doesn’t extend any understanding to her guy friend, expects her to take care of him and to take his word as law, not to mention the way he treats animals and his apparent friends/coworkers with total disregard. I like that it isn’t clear at the beginning from Jordan’s actions how much of a jerk he is, and we can only tell because we can see his thoughts. I especially like the scene with Jordan’s father, who is just a mirror of what Jordan will likely become. Just as Jordan wants a woman to control, his father keeps dating young, pretty women who he can tell what to do, and it’s clear Jordan’s mom didn’t stick around specifically because of that controlling nature.
I feel like you could’ve shown Jordan’s controlling or angry nature better through action at times. I also would’ve liked to see Monica standing up for herself or complaining about the things Jordan does more often. Similarly, I’d have liked to see how she navigates Jordan’s nature to keep him happy. The red flags feel heavy-handed at times, but I’m not sure if that’s just because we’re in Jordan’s head.
Brady, I liked this story. It felt like a fate encounter that our narrator met this human, whether she was real or not. It helped show him that he wasn’t the only one around and that he was not the last of his kind. I also liked the description and imagery of this world that you created, it seemed like you have so much thought and description going into the type world you were creating. And it was very apparent how much you enjoyed this world and what it meant. There was so much potential to make this such a bigger story but I like how you just took a snippet of it for this. My only question from this is Eyre real? Will he find or see her when he goes down to help the humans? I think her character was impactful but I wanted more from her and her connection with our narrator.
Kassidy, I really liked this story. It showed the depths of a toxic relationship. They way you started the story with everything seeming cute and sweet was very well done, and also the hints of his behavior peeked our in those first few pages which I liked. It set us up nicely for the type of character that our narrator is. I also really liked how you showed how both characters were in the wrong, and that they each did things to hurt one another, even if the actions weren’t intentional. I really liked how Monica finally realized that this relationship was not okay for her and that she had to get away. It showed that she care about herself and wanted something better for herself which was really good. I also really liked how you made our narrator seem like she was the problem. I liked how he seemed to be an unreliable narrator which I really liked. My question for this was what happens when they meet again or Monica is no longer with her friends? With this pattern of behavior and toxicity still be around or is she done for good?
Dear Brady,
This story was right up my alley. Again you were able to take the sci-fi/fantasy genre and configure it in a way that fits into the short story vessel. You were able to fit a decent amount of worldbuilding in a small space without it feeling like an info dump or like it detracts from the plot. I really like the dynamic between Helgan and Eyre. I think one thing that you could add is a bit more background on Eyre. She is very mysterious and it feels like you maybe start to allude to some things but never quite clear them up. Overall a very good read though!
Dear Kassidy,
This story was such a fun read. I really like it when stories have an unreliable narrator and I think you were able to portray that. I also really liked the dynamic between Jordan and his father. We are a product of our upbringings and our environments and that is very clear in this story. Despite disliking some of his father’s traits he does nothing to avoid sharing those same traits. I think it would be interesting to maybe lean into Monica perhaps not being the sweet, innocent, good person that Jordan initially describes her as.
Brady: This story is about a lonesome giant in a fantasy world that connects with a human giving his life meaning and companionship. I loved the fantasy aspect to this story, I feel like it can be difficult writing a fantasy genre because you don’t want it to come off as too fake or cheesy but you did a good job with making it feel more realistic. The relationship between Helena and Eyre is very well explained and I like how they give each other purpose. A question I have is what’s the history between giants and humans and I suggest giving more on how it came to be only one giant left. Great job!
Kassidy: This is a story about a toxic relationship through the eyes of the toxic boyfriend. I found this perspective very different and kept me drawn in. I feel most relationship stories focus on the victim and not the toxic character so to get a different perspective was cool. The detail and description of their emotions and interactions was very well said. I love the character growth towards the end which gives me some closure. A question I have is what caused Jordans father to become the way he is and how did it carry down to Jordan, was he treated poorly too? I suggest giving more on his fathers background and connect it to why Jordan is falling under similar patters. Overall great job!
13 thoughts on “JOURNAL # 26”
Dear Brady,
This is the story of a grumpy old soul brought back to life by a young woman who convinces him to become a soldier once again. I really like your set up, similar to I believe it was Lizzie’s story, yes it is a different world, fantasy type, but it was not hard to be put into that mindset and I feel like prior knowledge could be leaned on in order to help fill in any gaps. I like that you made it clear how giants were made which increased the tension since they are crafted and not born meaning they could not continue as a species since they could only be created by the gods that are now dead. I personally liked that you made Eyre such a secretive and unknown factor almost. At first one would think that she was just some young and dumb human but then there were things about her that didn’t add up to normal human qualities. I also liked that we don’t get to know in the end if she was human or something else or really what her deal was since she was there when Helgar was in such a drunken state. I feel like she was just there in reality to recruit Helgar for the end of the world battle which I think is really cool that you chose to show us that aspect leading into the fight that we don’t get to see, yet we see this shift in Helgar and even in Eyre. I honestly really liked this story and how you portrayed it even though I am not the biggest fan of this type of genre you were able to keep me wanting to read more. I thought the dialogue felt really natural and it was not something that was hard to read in that it didn’t seen to drag. I obviously would love to read more, know if he meets up with eyre ever again or if maybe she was just some sorta figment of his imagination but at the same time I really enjoy how it is now, with the ending being what it is. I also love the dialogue from Helgar at the end, I thought that really drove home the fact that eyre is a bit of a mystery and most likely not a human like we thought. Great job with this!
Brady,
I enjoyed your story that is, at its heart, about someone who has lost purpose and enjoyment as time has gone on, only to meet someone who inspires him to find meaning again by helping others. I loved your incorporation of fantasy elements into a story about very human emotions, as it felt very symbolic of generational divides with the giants being so much older compared to humans. I also love the details of Eyre (seemingly) being a chatty, younger person, as it contrasted the gruffness of Helgar, while also including her being a bit mysterious, as it definitely lends itself to being (wait for it) a bigger project, while also still working for a short story. I was wondering if we could hear more about Helgar’s relationships with other giants on a more individual level to make his loneliness feel more tangible. I also wonder if making the gods have more a parental role in Helgar and the other giants’ life could lend itself to a dynamic of lost family or lack of faith in previous generations.
Hope this helps!
Rachel
Dear Brady,
This is a story of a giant carrying the weight of believing he is one of the only left of his kind. He lives alone, likes his peace, or at least, he thinks that is what he wants, until a human showing up on his porch brings something into his life he hadn’t realized he was missing, and that is connection and purpose. I really like the detailed imagery, the depth of the world that was created, and how the world-building was explained. I felt that the world-building was not difficult to follow and that it wasn’t too much or too little. This aspect of the story was sprinkled throughout the pages, and intertwined with dialogue to move the story forward. The characters were very interesting as well. Reading from the perspective of a giant was something new, and yet, I didn’t feel as though I was reading from the perspective of a species different from my own. This is a compliment, because you made him very real, someone we could empathize with, and someone whose mind was easy to transition into. My one suggestion would have to be that throughout the story I noticed some frequent words that were occasionally used close together in the same sentence or just more than once in a paragraph in a way that felt, at least, to me, slightly repetitive. One example I found it this sentence, “Hoping to just sleep off whatever had just happened, and wake up the next morning like nothing had happened.” In this sentence, the word “happened” felt slightly redundant. Some other commonly used words that were occasionally close together in a way that stood out to me was the usage of the word “door,” and also at times, the main character’s name. Other than those tiny details, I thoroughly enjoyed this fun read!
Dear Kassidy,
I liked how you decided to write a story from the point of view of what would usually be considered an antagonist. We’ve had a lot of stories about good people so far so it’s been fun to switch perspectives! I wish the story had gone a little bit longer, as it would have been great to see if this character grew at all from his relationship with Monica or if he’s going to continue as he always has. I think there’s a lot of great places these characters could evolve to if given the chance and I’d love to see them explored. Does Monica move on and our protagonist gets jealous? Does our protagonist move on and realize how unfairly he treated Monica? good job!
Dear Brady,
I think this is a very fun fantasy world you’ve set up. Because I’m a sucker for the logistics aspect of a fantasy world, there are things I’m curious about that I would love to see more of in the story. What is the relationship between giants and humans like? We see that it’s positive in the story, but the giant’s isolation suggests a want to be apart. Do the humans revere them because they were crafted by the Gods? Are they worshiped? The sun hasn’t set for a month, how has that affected crops? I imagine a famine isn’t far off, would our main character be affected or is this a problem solely for the human town? Does he feel any sympathy for them? If so, maybe that sympathy is a contributing factor for him joining the caravan? Good stuff!
Dear Kassidy,
This is the story of a guy who is continuing the patterns of his parents’ relationship from the past and a girl stuck in a controlling relationship, trying to be her own person, but being tied down by her partner’s expectations. I enjoyed the complexity of his character. He has a lot of flaws and I feel that you did an excellent job not only conveying these flaws, but also explaining his background, and bringing the reader along with his emotions to help us understand his character. I thoroughly enjoyed how you conveyed emotions within this story. I felt that the tension grew and ebbed with the intensity of the character’s emotions in a nice rhythm. The dialogue also had a natural flow . I felt that the way the character’s emotions played off of each other was also very well done and realistic. You had some nice lines in this story that really showed off your creativity as a writer. I particularly liked, “I opened the picture she had sent me and it was like I was looking at a distorted mirror, seeing nothing but a picture of myself, but only seeing my left side through the window of my car…” My one suggestion, would be that there were times where I felt as though I wasn’t rooting for their relationship in the sense that I feel like there could have been more substance to it to make it more conflicting when they start to fight. In other words, you could possibly dial up the tension a little by adding an aspect to their relationship that makes it more upsetting to loose. Maybe they were childhood sweethearts, for example. In conclusion, I enjoyed this story! Great job!
Brady,
I got a vibe revolving around fate and a destined encounter. Throughout this story I found myself captivated by the world. The cryptic theme of there being “dead gods” and how the main character and narrator seem to know this is interesting. I specify Helgar and narrator 1) because the story is told in third person and 2) there was a part of this story when Eyre was wanting mead, there was either a typo or intentionally put “we” when Helgar went searching for the mead. This intrigued me quite a bit especially when Eyre disappeared and Helgar had a dream. While Helgar claims the gods are dead, perhaps we the ones reading and the narrator are the so-called “dead gods.” Was Eyre part of these dead gods or a proxy for their will? This all just got my mind infatuated with the concept that I stuck with it regardless of it being a potential typo that kicked it all off. I would love to see perhaps an expansion on that theme. I also vibe with Helgar’s grumpiness. Him being a “cowardly soldier” and having to maybe carry on his people’s history is very interesting as well. I liked the concept of that. The mystery behind the existential threat of the world ending and who and what the dredge are and are doing kept my interest largely throughout the story. The only real gripe I have, is maybe, if the intention was there, leaning into the narrator and Eyre being some of the dead gods, and clear up the paragraph introducing the axe for the first time. All in all, an interesting read.
Kassidy,
I found this story to be one of fragile promises, weak mental fortitude, and flimsy communication (passion). The story is told from the perspective of Jordan, our male lead. He seems to be a typically blue collar working man, the type of guy to work 30 hours a day. He lives on a farm with his father and kickboxes. Monica, our female lead, is a med bio student who enjoys tennis. I found this story to be a bit of a roller coaster. It was pretty sweet in the beginning, with a lovely morning, bonding over the farm, mutual understandings, before plunging into a complex situation towards the end. I like how neither party was particularly in the right. Jordan was controlling, and seemingly hot headed. Monica, didn’t seem to be all that attuned to his boundaries or concerns. Jordan was patient with Monica who was regularly hanging out with an ex, and this is understandably upsetting to Jordan who tried to ask her to not. At the same time Jordan should have no say in what Monica does with her body. Monica too should respect his boundaries, and Jordan should give Monica more freedom. I found the friend at the end of the story to be particularly toxic with how she handled the situation. There was an argument yes, and she wasn’t in the wrong to stick around to make sure her friend was ok, but she should also mind her own damn business. The fact that Monica herself agreed her and Jordan have a lot to talk about and was dragged away from communicating like an adult made me furious. Even though the character had a very short appearance I despised her. This though I did not see as a problem. I found that as a whole you painted a very sticky situation very well.
Kassidy,
This is a story about cylical toxicity and issues of control. It focuses on two main characters, Jordan, who lives on his family farm and is very rooted in what he perceives to be normal, and his girlfriend, Monica, a medical biology major and tennis player. Though it is clear they care about each other, their ideas of how relationships should be and the pressures of people around them drive them in a massive argument by the end of the story. Jordan, who grew up in a more conservative household with his father implied to be domineering over his wife’s life, acts controlling and possessive of Monica, most likely because he doesn’t know what other relationship dynamics look like that are healthy. Even in the beginning of the story, he talks about how sheltered Monica is, but in actuality, it is Jordan who is sheltered in many ways, as he doesn’t understand that Monica is allowed to make choices about her body for himself, that just because she has grown up in a ‘white collar’ world, it doesn’t mean she’s naive. I thought that this was really interesting, and like how you portrayed Jordan as being a product of his surroundings and parents. I was a bit lost on the situation with Monica’s friend, though it very well could be me not reading something right. Was she actually flirting with him, or was Jordan struggling with the idea of Monica having guy friends, as that is something that many men seem to have a hard time wrapping their heads around? I like the ending of the story, my only real suggestion is to clarify the deal with Monica’s friend, and to give us a bit more to root for in their relationship (or, if you’re trying to portray Jordan as his own antagonist and unreliable narrator, lean more into that).
Hope this helps!
Rachel
Brady,
I really liked the dialogue you included. It flowed really naturally and felt like a real conversation. The dynamic between the grouchy giant and the hyper-active/curious human was a really interesting one to me. The lore of the world that you build in just a few short pages was really in depth and made sense. There could be an opportunity to show us more of Helgan’s outlook on the world rather than telling us. I felt like the image of Helgan’s axe was really strong and was a good metaphor for an old soldier who is beaten down by his past. I think I was a little lost in the end and felt like I got mixed up about whether Eyre was a god in disguise or if she just was genuinely interested in him joining the caravan for innocent reasons; Was there an explicit reason Helgan thinks the gods are dead, and would it be fathomable for them to have survived? I think you could explore more of Heglan’s distaste towards gods and his memories of being forged. These themes were really intriguing and I wanted more of them! Overall really great work on this story, it was a fun read!
Kassidy,
This character was so sketchy from the very beginning and got even worse as the story went on. This character was the epitome of an unreliable narrator, which made this story a really interesting read. It was clever to have a character that dislikes the way his father acts but is exactly like him. It reminds me of that old adage, “When you get older, you turn into your parents.” The overarching themes of your parents’ relationship influencing your relationships was well placed and didn’t feel heavy handed. I was so relieved by the ending; It was so sad seeing a woman in a relationship that was terrible for her constantly sacrificing her interests and life for him. As for a suggestion, I really wanted to see a redeeming quality to the main character. I found myself just hating him by the very end, which could’ve been intended, but it might be more interesting to have a character who is fighting to have a different outcome than his parents. He might be a much more likable character if he is trying to get better or fight his habits but keeps slipping into his old patterns. Also, was there a past relationship of his where there was a lot of distrust? Does he have a reason other than his upbringing for being so concerned about his girlfriend being alone with another guy? This story was really interesting and I think there’s a lot to build on to make it even better! Great work!
Dear Brady,
This is the story of a giant opening up to a strange woman who lands on his doorstep, eventually deciding to abandon his life of solitude. I really like that there’s a sense of distant community with other giants and a bigger world when other people and places are mentioned. There’s a mythology to this world, one that includes dead or missing gods and the reminder that they were there. It takes place in a land of eternal day, which is a very interesting setting for a story. I love that this woman seems like she came to Helgar’s home on purpose with the purpose of getting him to help the humans. She’s extremely confident and bold, like an enchantress from a fairy tale, but I think you could go more into her character instead of her being more of a tool for the plot.
While your dialogue is pretty clunky, similar to your first story in some ways, it admittedly works for the woman because she feels strange and doesn’t say things that a normal human facing a giant would. You have a strange repetition in your language, like saying “particularly pious” two lines in a row on page 7, punctuation errors, and run-on sentences. Finally, you might want to rethink how the exposition in the beginning is structured. I think the punctuation was what mostly unnerved me, but that part also reads like a script for a DND campaign rather than a short story.
Dear Kassidy,
This is the story of a progressing relationship from the perspective of a controlling boyfriend. It’s pretty clear that Jordan has a lot of red flags. He dismisses Monica and her desires, achievements, abilities, is angry when she does things he doesn’t like, doesn’t extend any understanding to her guy friend, expects her to take care of him and to take his word as law, not to mention the way he treats animals and his apparent friends/coworkers with total disregard. I like that it isn’t clear at the beginning from Jordan’s actions how much of a jerk he is, and we can only tell because we can see his thoughts. I especially like the scene with Jordan’s father, who is just a mirror of what Jordan will likely become. Just as Jordan wants a woman to control, his father keeps dating young, pretty women who he can tell what to do, and it’s clear Jordan’s mom didn’t stick around specifically because of that controlling nature.
I feel like you could’ve shown Jordan’s controlling or angry nature better through action at times. I also would’ve liked to see Monica standing up for herself or complaining about the things Jordan does more often. Similarly, I’d have liked to see how she navigates Jordan’s nature to keep him happy. The red flags feel heavy-handed at times, but I’m not sure if that’s just because we’re in Jordan’s head.
Brady, I liked this story. It felt like a fate encounter that our narrator met this human, whether she was real or not. It helped show him that he wasn’t the only one around and that he was not the last of his kind. I also liked the description and imagery of this world that you created, it seemed like you have so much thought and description going into the type world you were creating. And it was very apparent how much you enjoyed this world and what it meant. There was so much potential to make this such a bigger story but I like how you just took a snippet of it for this. My only question from this is Eyre real? Will he find or see her when he goes down to help the humans? I think her character was impactful but I wanted more from her and her connection with our narrator.
Kassidy, I really liked this story. It showed the depths of a toxic relationship. They way you started the story with everything seeming cute and sweet was very well done, and also the hints of his behavior peeked our in those first few pages which I liked. It set us up nicely for the type of character that our narrator is. I also really liked how you showed how both characters were in the wrong, and that they each did things to hurt one another, even if the actions weren’t intentional. I really liked how Monica finally realized that this relationship was not okay for her and that she had to get away. It showed that she care about herself and wanted something better for herself which was really good. I also really liked how you made our narrator seem like she was the problem. I liked how he seemed to be an unreliable narrator which I really liked. My question for this was what happens when they meet again or Monica is no longer with her friends? With this pattern of behavior and toxicity still be around or is she done for good?
Dear Brady,
This story was right up my alley. Again you were able to take the sci-fi/fantasy genre and configure it in a way that fits into the short story vessel. You were able to fit a decent amount of worldbuilding in a small space without it feeling like an info dump or like it detracts from the plot. I really like the dynamic between Helgan and Eyre. I think one thing that you could add is a bit more background on Eyre. She is very mysterious and it feels like you maybe start to allude to some things but never quite clear them up. Overall a very good read though!
Dear Kassidy,
This story was such a fun read. I really like it when stories have an unreliable narrator and I think you were able to portray that. I also really liked the dynamic between Jordan and his father. We are a product of our upbringings and our environments and that is very clear in this story. Despite disliking some of his father’s traits he does nothing to avoid sharing those same traits. I think it would be interesting to maybe lean into Monica perhaps not being the sweet, innocent, good person that Jordan initially describes her as.
Brady: This story is about a lonesome giant in a fantasy world that connects with a human giving his life meaning and companionship. I loved the fantasy aspect to this story, I feel like it can be difficult writing a fantasy genre because you don’t want it to come off as too fake or cheesy but you did a good job with making it feel more realistic. The relationship between Helena and Eyre is very well explained and I like how they give each other purpose. A question I have is what’s the history between giants and humans and I suggest giving more on how it came to be only one giant left. Great job!
Kassidy: This is a story about a toxic relationship through the eyes of the toxic boyfriend. I found this perspective very different and kept me drawn in. I feel most relationship stories focus on the victim and not the toxic character so to get a different perspective was cool. The detail and description of their emotions and interactions was very well said. I love the character growth towards the end which gives me some closure. A question I have is what caused Jordans father to become the way he is and how did it carry down to Jordan, was he treated poorly too? I suggest giving more on his fathers background and connect it to why Jordan is falling under similar patters. Overall great job!