Miranda, I really liked this story. I liked how you gave the story in somewhat of an unreliable narrators point of view. I feel like we were seeing things just from her view, and she only showed us or talked about things when they felt important to her, but it was really well done. I also like the contrast of your character being a marriage counselor all while going through a divorce herself. I think that showed the duality of her character. I just had questions about the pieces of the story that had to do with Vanessa. Who was she, was she a flashback? And why hadn’t our narrator heard from her since? I think adding more about her character would help bring the tension up in regards to our narrators divorce. She wants to help this person who is going through a similar situation as her, and how she is trying to do things better with Vanessa than she is herself.
Dear Miranda,
I would say this is the story of a marriage counselor officially being divorced by her husband. I like the parallel with the story of Talia’s client Vanessa and the present time. I think it is a very interesting side by side look at things and has a great effect on the piece. It was not hard to keep up with since the glimpses from each time frame was relatively short. I like that you were able to characterize the husband even though he wasn’t ever resent in the story. We are not explicitly told what the complications of the marriage were but you could tell that there were definitely things that the husband did wrong. With your line talking about her PJ choice when her husband wasn’t present I think told a lot about how the husband was. I got the feeling that he was manipulative and tended to put Talia down to make her want to be more like and look more like a Barbie doll. I think it is interesting that the husbanded wanted the divorce since we don’t see any reason why Talia did anything wrong. In fact we were told she made him a cake and ordered his favorite food on his birthday and he just didn’t come home that night to enjoy it… even though the marriage problems probably began way before then. I was wondering if maybe there was a way to show us more about what went wrong in the relationship then that could help to see why he wants a divorce unless the surprise element to her finding the divorce papers was what you were going for. Overall I like this and I think a lot can be done with the formate and situation you have set up!
I absolutely loved your descriptive language throughout this entire story, but especially in that very first paragraph because the imagery of the setting was almost immediately captured. The moment the character was talking to the cat really sold me. It was funny, sweet, had a realistic flow to the one-sided conversation, and showed off your ability to write character voice. One thing I also thoroughly enjoyed about this piece was the fact that the main character was a marriage counselor, giving advice on other people’s marriages, but also her own was falling apart in many of the same ways. It was a really cool contrast to see how the character behaved in the office when hearing of others’ situations versus how she was in her home facing her own situation. My piece of advice would be that at the end when Vanessa left that note, I found myself feeling a little unclear as to what the message might have meant. If you intentionally left it up to interpretation, then it was well-done, and if not, maybe some more clarification or internal monologue from the main character after reading the note could help the readers draw conclusions. Overall, great work!
Dear Miranda,
This is the story of a marriage counselor realizing her own marriage isn’t working out. I liked the setting of this story, that being the silent and essentially one-person apartment, as well as the choice for the readers to follow Talia through a lonely night that’s just become common for her. Despite her husband not living there anymore, Talia still thinks about him all the time, shown in a line I love from page 6: “There seems to be so much of him in this apartment, everything except for his presence.” Talia still loves or feels loyalty to her husband, shown in this and how she reacts to having flirted a bit with the delivery boy.
I like the image throughout the apartment of the uneaten food and single-person takeout and only one side of the bed being unmade. I think, though, since these are closer to the beginning, they could simply be observations of the environment instead of the narrator telling us the details about them, which would show that Talia isn’t trying to think about her husband but has to live with his obvious absence.
I was confused about the flashbacks in this story, as they’re random and don’t fit properly in the beginning. Talia leads into them by thinking of a client who gave her a piece of pottery, but the purpose of the flashback seems to be a mirror for Talia’s current situation. If you want to show Talia’s job, then maybe we should start there instead. If you want to mirror her situation, lead into the flashback with that thought. And if you’re going to have flashbacks to her client, maybe don’t also have flashbacks to a text conversation with her husband.
Miranda,
I really liked this story of a marriage consuelor haunted by echoes of her dying relationship with her husband. I found the juxtaposition of her client, Vannesa’s situation, and Talia’s own to be incredibly interesting, as it shines a light on how Talia may have been able to see signs of a failing marriage externally, but not within her own life, which I find to very true across the board sometimes when it comes to people who give some form of advice often. I really like how you hinted at Talia’s husband being controlling or demanding with the mention of how he wouldn’t like that she changed into sweatpants. She always seems to have needed to be “on,” never fully decompressing, which is bound to reflect bigger issues between them and help build up resentment and discomfort within their relationship, something I think you nailed with that little reference. I wonder why the delivery guy was as comfortable with Talia’s flirtations, as she is still married, and that’s really the only question I have.
I hope this helps!
Rachel
Dear Miranda,
I really enjoyed this story! This was about a woman who is a marriage counselor and she is remembering a past client of hers while going through a similar situation. I think the contrast between Talia and Vanessa is really well done. I especially love how you ended the piece. I wish there was a bit more conflict, however. I think the plot is so good but it just feels kind of flat, like there was nothing quite reaching the peak. I also wonder if the cat could have more screen time. I feel like there could be something there about how the cat provides enough love and companionship for Talia. Regardless, this story was very well done!
Miranda,
I really liked this story, your descriptions of things are incredible, the wine colored shoes, the vacuous space of her bag, charcoal black doors, her fugly lamp. I ate it up every time you had a fun and creative description for something. Your transition in and out of the session flashback was really well done in my opinion and I loved seeing the contrasts between her client’s relationship and her’s. I also loved your characters, especially the cat.
There are several points throughout the story, were the text gets relative and it really just drags the story a little bit; for example at the beginning of the story when you’re talking about the door that is hers, and how she walks to the door at the end of the corridor, and once again not to long after when her fingernail snaps off, you have the word finger in one sentence 3 times and it feels repetitive and it took me out of the story for a brief moment. But these are small things that can be changed very easily in revision, overall this story is really good and i had a good time reading it.
Miranda: This story is about a women who’s a marriage counselor watching her marriage falling apart similarly to one of her patients Venessa. I like the connections between Venessa and Talias relationships and the similarities. The imagery, setting and description was very weak done and made me feel like I was in the story while reading. The dialogue was easy to follow and understand which was helpful. I feel like it would be cool to get different perspectives in the narration of the story. It was very one sided and there’s always two sides to every story so I feel it would give more tension if we heard the husbands POV in this marriage. Since she’s a marriage counselor did she try any of her own skills to try and keep her relationship together? I was a little confused with the flashbacks so maybe try and hint it more clearly without actually stating its a flashback. Overall great job this was super well thought and creative!
8 thoughts on “JOURNAL # 28”
Miranda, I really liked this story. I liked how you gave the story in somewhat of an unreliable narrators point of view. I feel like we were seeing things just from her view, and she only showed us or talked about things when they felt important to her, but it was really well done. I also like the contrast of your character being a marriage counselor all while going through a divorce herself. I think that showed the duality of her character. I just had questions about the pieces of the story that had to do with Vanessa. Who was she, was she a flashback? And why hadn’t our narrator heard from her since? I think adding more about her character would help bring the tension up in regards to our narrators divorce. She wants to help this person who is going through a similar situation as her, and how she is trying to do things better with Vanessa than she is herself.
Dear Miranda,
I would say this is the story of a marriage counselor officially being divorced by her husband. I like the parallel with the story of Talia’s client Vanessa and the present time. I think it is a very interesting side by side look at things and has a great effect on the piece. It was not hard to keep up with since the glimpses from each time frame was relatively short. I like that you were able to characterize the husband even though he wasn’t ever resent in the story. We are not explicitly told what the complications of the marriage were but you could tell that there were definitely things that the husband did wrong. With your line talking about her PJ choice when her husband wasn’t present I think told a lot about how the husband was. I got the feeling that he was manipulative and tended to put Talia down to make her want to be more like and look more like a Barbie doll. I think it is interesting that the husbanded wanted the divorce since we don’t see any reason why Talia did anything wrong. In fact we were told she made him a cake and ordered his favorite food on his birthday and he just didn’t come home that night to enjoy it… even though the marriage problems probably began way before then. I was wondering if maybe there was a way to show us more about what went wrong in the relationship then that could help to see why he wants a divorce unless the surprise element to her finding the divorce papers was what you were going for. Overall I like this and I think a lot can be done with the formate and situation you have set up!
Miranda,
I absolutely loved your descriptive language throughout this entire story, but especially in that very first paragraph because the imagery of the setting was almost immediately captured. The moment the character was talking to the cat really sold me. It was funny, sweet, had a realistic flow to the one-sided conversation, and showed off your ability to write character voice. One thing I also thoroughly enjoyed about this piece was the fact that the main character was a marriage counselor, giving advice on other people’s marriages, but also her own was falling apart in many of the same ways. It was a really cool contrast to see how the character behaved in the office when hearing of others’ situations versus how she was in her home facing her own situation. My piece of advice would be that at the end when Vanessa left that note, I found myself feeling a little unclear as to what the message might have meant. If you intentionally left it up to interpretation, then it was well-done, and if not, maybe some more clarification or internal monologue from the main character after reading the note could help the readers draw conclusions. Overall, great work!
Dear Miranda,
This is the story of a marriage counselor realizing her own marriage isn’t working out. I liked the setting of this story, that being the silent and essentially one-person apartment, as well as the choice for the readers to follow Talia through a lonely night that’s just become common for her. Despite her husband not living there anymore, Talia still thinks about him all the time, shown in a line I love from page 6: “There seems to be so much of him in this apartment, everything except for his presence.” Talia still loves or feels loyalty to her husband, shown in this and how she reacts to having flirted a bit with the delivery boy.
I like the image throughout the apartment of the uneaten food and single-person takeout and only one side of the bed being unmade. I think, though, since these are closer to the beginning, they could simply be observations of the environment instead of the narrator telling us the details about them, which would show that Talia isn’t trying to think about her husband but has to live with his obvious absence.
I was confused about the flashbacks in this story, as they’re random and don’t fit properly in the beginning. Talia leads into them by thinking of a client who gave her a piece of pottery, but the purpose of the flashback seems to be a mirror for Talia’s current situation. If you want to show Talia’s job, then maybe we should start there instead. If you want to mirror her situation, lead into the flashback with that thought. And if you’re going to have flashbacks to her client, maybe don’t also have flashbacks to a text conversation with her husband.
Miranda,
I really liked this story of a marriage consuelor haunted by echoes of her dying relationship with her husband. I found the juxtaposition of her client, Vannesa’s situation, and Talia’s own to be incredibly interesting, as it shines a light on how Talia may have been able to see signs of a failing marriage externally, but not within her own life, which I find to very true across the board sometimes when it comes to people who give some form of advice often. I really like how you hinted at Talia’s husband being controlling or demanding with the mention of how he wouldn’t like that she changed into sweatpants. She always seems to have needed to be “on,” never fully decompressing, which is bound to reflect bigger issues between them and help build up resentment and discomfort within their relationship, something I think you nailed with that little reference. I wonder why the delivery guy was as comfortable with Talia’s flirtations, as she is still married, and that’s really the only question I have.
I hope this helps!
Rachel
Dear Miranda,
I really enjoyed this story! This was about a woman who is a marriage counselor and she is remembering a past client of hers while going through a similar situation. I think the contrast between Talia and Vanessa is really well done. I especially love how you ended the piece. I wish there was a bit more conflict, however. I think the plot is so good but it just feels kind of flat, like there was nothing quite reaching the peak. I also wonder if the cat could have more screen time. I feel like there could be something there about how the cat provides enough love and companionship for Talia. Regardless, this story was very well done!
Miranda,
I really liked this story, your descriptions of things are incredible, the wine colored shoes, the vacuous space of her bag, charcoal black doors, her fugly lamp. I ate it up every time you had a fun and creative description for something. Your transition in and out of the session flashback was really well done in my opinion and I loved seeing the contrasts between her client’s relationship and her’s. I also loved your characters, especially the cat.
There are several points throughout the story, were the text gets relative and it really just drags the story a little bit; for example at the beginning of the story when you’re talking about the door that is hers, and how she walks to the door at the end of the corridor, and once again not to long after when her fingernail snaps off, you have the word finger in one sentence 3 times and it feels repetitive and it took me out of the story for a brief moment. But these are small things that can be changed very easily in revision, overall this story is really good and i had a good time reading it.
Miranda: This story is about a women who’s a marriage counselor watching her marriage falling apart similarly to one of her patients Venessa. I like the connections between Venessa and Talias relationships and the similarities. The imagery, setting and description was very weak done and made me feel like I was in the story while reading. The dialogue was easy to follow and understand which was helpful. I feel like it would be cool to get different perspectives in the narration of the story. It was very one sided and there’s always two sides to every story so I feel it would give more tension if we heard the husbands POV in this marriage. Since she’s a marriage counselor did she try any of her own skills to try and keep her relationship together? I was a little confused with the flashbacks so maybe try and hint it more clearly without actually stating its a flashback. Overall great job this was super well thought and creative!