Lizzie: From my understanding, this story is about a mother-daughter duo in the midst of some supernatural emergency. It seemed that Janine was experiencing a transformation while her mother, Margot, was tending to her. The first thing that I liked about this story was how it opened in the middle of the scene. It caught my eye as a reader and got me interested without much background knowledge or scene setting. You did a tremendous job after the opening hook in providing the audience with more details of who, where, why, and when this situation was happening. The balance of description with dialogue was solid and didn’t feel to heavy on either side. One nit-picky detail I had about the dialogue was the use of exclamation points. Already knowing that the scene was full of emotion and conflict, the punctuation took me out a little because I anticipated the language to be rushed/in a loud tone. Moving on, the main questions I had while reading was what exactly was wrong with Janine and why are the men attacking their home/who are they. I know these may be too big of questions to answer in a 10-12 page story, but I was curious to know more about them after reading. Possibly shifting some dialogue around to answer those questions could be the solution. Overall, this story had me engaged from beginning to end!
Sophie: After reading, this story follows a girl named Alice during her experience abroad in Morocco. It did seem that there was some location pivoting in the story where Alice and her two friends went to Paris for a weekend. I thought the use of description was extremely vivid and allowed the reader to picture where Alice was. Certain uses of metaphors and similes really sold that. It never felt like it was too much or too little in comparison with the dialogue. I believe the formatting of short descriptors blended with dialogue made it that way. Overall, I liked the concept that the author was going with. There were a few moments that I had to go back and re-read purely to understand where the narrator was physically and what was happening. I think this was due to the pacing and pivoting between ideas. Going from airport to Morocco to Paris and back to Morocco all while having major events happen in each was a lot to take in. My main suggestion with that is to allow there to be a little more set-up when you’re transitioning between them. Or, narrow the focus a little more to only one or two major events, which I believe would still send the message you’re trying to make at the end. This is all to say I was very interested in your story and curious to learn more in workshop!
Sophie: I love the way that you were able to really show the complexities of Alice through the narration. You gave so many hints to some form of anxiety or PTSD or both in Alice throughout her journeys. From what I gathered, this is the story of a girl in college facing her PTSD by leaving her comfort zone and exploring what another country has to offer. One could also say that this is the story of a college girl not being able to escape from traumatic events that seem to follow her around. There are a lot of good things working here, I love how you tied in everything at the end saying that there are a lot of things more scary than airports which at the beginning seemed to be one of the most scary things Alice could experience at the time, however that could have been her potential anxiety talking. Alice’s mental state is greatly represented in the story and I think that the flashback stories from the past worked well with understanding that Alice potentially has PTSD with the brief story of her experiencing a man with a gun slung over his shoulder strolling by her, we really get t understand where Alice’s skittishness comes from. I think my only suggestions would be to make time framing clear in the piece, I could have missed it but clarifying that could help. I like that you gave some hints showing that they were no longer in Morocco and now in Paris but then highlighted that fact so that the reader was 100% on the same page, I know that helped me. I love your really strong beginning and strong ending, well done!
Lizzy: The imaginational effort put into this story is phenomenal. I love the subtle hints throughout the story, as a vampire story fan, that led us into thinking that they were vampires. The idea of her mom being a witch and their family only having females in their line is a very curious subject and are some of the many reasons why this could easily be extended into a larger/ longer work. I would say that this is the story of a mom, doing her best to protect her daughter when she is most vulnerable who is then protected by her daughter in the end. One could also say this is the story of a supernatural family who constantly conflict with the humans in nearby towns. I think this piece raises a lot of questions. How did their family blood line originate? When or how did they become a supernatural family? Why does their line only bore females? Normally vampires are infertile since they are immortal, how will Janine have a child of her own? How is Janine a vampire when her mother is a witch? What are the ‘rules’ per se to this supernatural world since all of them tend to differ? I think this approach to the short story assignment was very cool and entertaining to read and try to figure out the pieces of the puzzle. I liked that your words were descriptive yet relatively quick and fast paced when we were in scenes closer to action, which flowed and worked really well. Also, your one or two sentence background tidbits that didn’t stray too far away from the action of the present flowed really well and provided just enough to keep any type of reader interested and following along. Overall very well done. Suggestions wise, I don’t have too many. I loved the ending, loved the multitude of aspects of show, don’t tell in your story, really nice job!
Lizzy: This definitely reads as a part of a larger whole, which I like. Not every short story needs a resolution to every plot point, and if anything a little bit of a cliff hanger makes the story more engaging in my eyes because it leaves us speculating and wanting more (Always a good thing). I do think this is a story that benefits from more than one read, as the experience you get reading it a second time is very different from reading it the first time due in part to knowing how the world works. I’m always a sucker for fantasy, but I do think one of the hardest parts of it is establishing a solid time period. I was able to get that it was close to modern day pretty quickly, but I think a way you could solidify it without having to add much more to the story would be something about clothing – in the beginning I was picturing Margot in something medieval as I read about the castle before flipping to something modern as the story progressed. Maybe something about a coat since it’s raining? That was really the only area that I struggled with, I think this was great!
Sophie: I am a bit ashamed to admit that I read over the opening paragraph too quickly and thought that a literal dragon was working airport security. It took me longer than it should have to realize that this was not, in fact, a modern take on a fantasy story. Great metaphor! I liked how it came full circle at the end, beginning and ending at an airport. It was a cute end to a cute story, which I liked a lot. The only thing I struggled with a bit was following the timeline, specifically at the time of the earthquake. It took me a few reads to figure out where the earthquake ended and Paris began, but I think that could be fixed with something as small as a bigger break in the paragraphs to signify more of a separation between the two to imply time passing. Great work!
Lizzie, I really liked this story. I think there was a lot that was going on here but the story didn’t feel to bogged down with the details. I really liked the type of story that this was. It was a different approach, but the supernatural aspect really gave something to the storyline. I think this story, with the type of background and detail you gave us, it could blossom into such a longer and larger story. But I also think that it worked really well within the realm of a short story. I really liked the background of this story, and I liked how we got bits and pieces of the family history throughout the chaos that was ensuing in their home. I think that to help understand more about their life and the processes of rebirth, to add a little bit more background earlier on within the story, rather than after the process was already occurring. I think just expanding on the ideas of the past, why they are the last of their family and a little bit more about why the hunters are coming to get them would help shape the story even more.
Sophie, I really liked this story. I think that there was so much that was going on with our main character, and how these emotions were something that everyone goes through when they finally “leave the nest.” I really enjoyed how you kept making parallels between the beast and the main character grabbing her sword when she was placed in a situation where she had so much fear. I think that this story really showed true human emotions. The only thing that tripped me up while reading this story was the location changes, while it wasn’t hard to follow or understand but I think that some sort of time jump and/or conversation about the scenery switching would help just understand exactly where they were and where she was going. I also liked how you picked a few moments of her time abroad. While as readers, and you as an author, know that there was so much that had gone on between each moment and before the story started, I really think the times of her journey that you picked were really well done. I think if you could find a way to incorporate more about her trauma, and why she was so afraid and how she got over that would be really helpful to the readers. Just to give a glimpse into her mind about what is going on, and how she feels would be so helpful.
Sophie: This story is about a girl named Alice who is traveling abroad for the first time. She has a fear of being separated from her family as well as the unknown in general. Throughout the story, she experiences events that shake her (physically and emotionally). In the end, she realizes that she cannot control everything and there are really scary things in the world but she can make it through them. I thoroughly enjoyed this story. I think that the way you describe the setting is very well done, it was very easy to imagine what the narrator was seeing and feeling. I also really like the voice you gave the narrator. The way she thinks is incredibly relatable. The way you wrote her fears and anxiety is very well done. The one thing that kind of confused me was the jump from Morocco to Paris. Perhaps adding a transition somehow or even just a more obvious page break would make it less of an outstanding shift in setting.
Lizzie: This story is about a woman helping her daughter transition into some kind of vampire creature. They are alone in a castle and there are men after them. The entirety of the story takes place only over a couple of hours but it is action-packed. I think the way you were able to show so many complicated things in a small amount of time is really amazing. I very much enjoyed reading this. I know usually fantasy-type stories do not lend themselves to a short story length however, I think you nailed it. I particularly enjoyed the way you described everything. I could envision the story in my mind like a perfect little short film. I think perhaps adding just a bit more background would make this story more believable in a fantasy sense. Some of the descriptors you chose made me think it took place in modern times while others made me think it was more of a period piece.
I feel that there are a lot of heavier, chunky blocks of texts in this piece that can be broken down, but what I want to get at is the story line. While the author is great at setting and putting that talent to good use, I feel the author should be focusing on the ending and the action scene a bit more. There’s a lot to this story and it goes in several different directions with a theme that loosely wraps it up, and I think that by not focusing on descriptors or settings as much that the author could actually flesh out the action scene and wrap up the story better. Basically, I think the author should be taking out a lot of these long scenes where they’re describing rooms or appearances and instead focus on the clown guy and the fear- focus more on emotions than scenery. And don’t be afraid to use semicolons (;) or dashes (-). When the author wrote “She watched with wide eyes and a firm stare as the creature wriggled and changed shape, breathing huffs of frustrated steam as if on the verge of setting the room ablaze with its breath.” I felt that as an example, this sentence could be broken up into two sentences while still keeping that vivid imagery. These sentences just feel a bit long and could be chopped up while maintaining the original intent. However, “It was a look that seemed to reflect in the tired faces of everyone who shuffled through that line, hauling luggage, pushing infants in strollers, arguing with their spouses, or working the metal detectors and directing people like cars stuck in traffic.” Was a great use of setting and imagery; and “like a proud sunset” sounds very beautiful. “At home, to find her favorite cafe, a car ride was required to escape the vast fields and thick woods of her quaint small town and to join the bustling traffic of the city.” Held a lot of imagery and was definitely my favorite line as it gives Alice character and depth. There’s a specific paragraph on the end of page 5 right before everything goes awry that I appreciate, I love the stylistic choices and the author’s choice to explore what Alice’s room looks like while still giving the audience a sense of distress because we know something is about to happen. Overall, I feel that the ending was rushed because the author didn’t know where to take it but that’s a common thing that happens.
Sophie: This story struck me as the tale of a cautious girl learning what it means to be brave in the face of danger. The description in the first few paragraphs of the apprehension of Alice was really well done, and I thought the analogy was really clever. Another thing I really liked was the approach to Alice’s mentality on life; Her experiences and people she’s encountered in the past clearly impact the future, which is really important for setting up her growth by the end of the story. Something you could expand on may be dialogue (making sure it seems conversational enough?). The girls talking to each other in Paris outside Notre Dame and the airport talked less like friends than I would expect. I also think giving some more detail on when the location is changing (why did she leave Morocco and go to France? How was the process from security to boarding the plane at the start of the story?). I really enjoyed the journey that Alice went through in this story, from really fearful about being alone to understanding that risks follow her everywhere and it’s her approach to those struggles that define her.
Lizzie: I really like how this reads almost like a mystery of what the supernatural thing was and how it worked; I like when you give readers information to piece together and you did it really well in this story for me. Another thing I really liked was the amount of detail you used when describing the movements characters were making during conversation. I could really picture the talks these characters were having. The exposition felt balanced and I looked forward to it since it gave me more info on the mystery. As a suggestion, I would maybe be a bit more clear on what Janine transformed into. It seems very animalistic but also vampiric? You mention the eyes turning black and muscles ripping as she grows, but what is she growing into? Also, this may be really randomly specific, but at the end of the story the narrator goes, “…or some happy movie ending like that.” which kinda confused me. Maybe making the time setting clearer would help? Overall, I really enjoyed piecing this story together and it really held onto my attention!
Lizzy, from what I gathered, this story you have written revolves around a transformation, a way of life and a mother trying to protect her daughter from a society that seeks to do it harm. I quite appreciated the fact that throughout the story we largely are not explicitly told what is going on and who these people are. We are given a perspective that paints them in a positive light. You showed them as wanting to protect their way of life and each other but only hinted at what this possibly could be. Because of this mystery, it kept me reading, the more was said the more I was curious. The payout at the end was quite interesting, though I feel perhaps it was quite a change of pace. There was a lot of build up and suspense. This allowed my mind to really turn around and speculate what was going on while reading. This, I felt, is a strong part of the story. That is also why I felt the ending was a bit off. It not only changed the pace, but no longer kept true to the ambiguous, biased nature the rest of the story held. In the end the clarification was satisfying, however I feel utilizing this sparingly and allowing the reader mere scraps would strengthen the ending. All in all, I found myself enjoying the read, the paragraphs were quite digestible and made for an easy read. The storytelling was great, and if implemented in the ending, could round out this excellent work.
Sophie,
After reading through your story, it seemed to me to be one of someone adjusting to a life outside of the one she grew up in, getting to experience new things and reminiscing. Throughout the beginning of your story, I found it a tad difficult to follow where we were and what train of thought we were following. The scenes jumped around and the jump from Morocco to France I found to be a bit jarring. Despite this, reading through, your imagery is quite strong, the picture you want to paint is evident, the medium in which you express that sometimes got a little crowded. Despite this your storytelling in the end really focused your piece. The beginning seemed interesting, but perhaps part of a prelude that was not as well fleshed out like the latter half of the story. The dialogue I felt worked, characters felt unique, and I would have liked to have known them for longer than the latter half of the story. My recommendation would be to focus on our characters story in France and develop the relationships and characters there and how they go about their story. Maybe even include a flashback/recollection of the main character’s experiences traveling and starting this journey.
Dear Sophie,
I loved your story; your portrayal of a scared girl going off on her own for the first time to study abroad was incredible and reminded me of my own study abroad experience. The mix of mundanity and the metaphorical “magical” aspect of it was beautiful, as though the protagonist has her head in the clouds or reframes each situation to make it more fantastical and make herself into someone who can handle these challenges. I especially loved the sword symbolism and how the call back at the end of the story was something she’s previously been shown to actually use as a method of security. My favorite part was the paragraph on page 8 where the protagonist talks about how she wanted her children to learn other languages so they could be more immersed in the cultures she couldn’t breach. I was really confused at the beginning, however. As cool of a beginning as the first paragraph is, it isn’t at all clear that the dragon is an airport crowd. Maybe you should intercut it with similes instead of going fully into the metaphor so you can better tell what’s happening there. It was also very confusing when “suddenly she was the beast’s tail” because, like the first paragraph, it’s cool as heck but extremely confusing and led me to read back a few times in case I missed something. Only once I finished the story and read it again did I appreciate the metaphor. Maybe you could include more visuals of the humans in the crowd earlier on. How your story connects is confusing as well, and it wasn’t until I was about halfway through that I realized how your scene changes worked and I feel that this could be improved for better readability.
Lizzie: I really like the perspective you took on this story. Right from the start its action filled and full of tension which kept me drawn in to find out what happens next. I think its difficult to be able to write a story about the supernatural because its so mysterious and thrilling but you did a great job with it. The story is about a mother and her daughter Janine going through the process of rebirth into a supernatural being. They are trying to say safe and protected from the harm humans cause towards them and their abilities. I like how it starts right in the action but I had a little bit of a hard time trying to connect the dots of what’s goin on. I think you should try and give more background so things make or sense. I think there are areas that leave questions about how and why this is happening to them and how they came to be supernatural. Is it genetic and passed down? Are they just born and life chooses what they will be? I overall enjoyed this story and it was set up and organized very well which made reading it easy. Great job!
Sophie: This story is about a girl named Alice that is dealing with what looks like PTSD and goes on a study abroad trip to Morocco. She goes through different challenges throughout the story and learns to face them. We see character growth as the story goes as Alice comes to realization of her adulthood and ability to be independent which I really like. I also really like the use of description in the story of her emotions and what she’s feeling. It makes her character more real and relatable. Describing setting was done very well as I could picture it but I would try and be more clear in location changes as I couldn’t tell she had come to Paris until she mentions being in Paris. A page break or transition paragraph could be useful. My favorite part is at the end she reopens the book she was reading heading to Morocco and continues it as she’s leaving, it gives a full circle moment in the story where it connects with he beginning. Good Job!
11 thoughts on “JOURNAL # 14”
Lizzie: From my understanding, this story is about a mother-daughter duo in the midst of some supernatural emergency. It seemed that Janine was experiencing a transformation while her mother, Margot, was tending to her. The first thing that I liked about this story was how it opened in the middle of the scene. It caught my eye as a reader and got me interested without much background knowledge or scene setting. You did a tremendous job after the opening hook in providing the audience with more details of who, where, why, and when this situation was happening. The balance of description with dialogue was solid and didn’t feel to heavy on either side. One nit-picky detail I had about the dialogue was the use of exclamation points. Already knowing that the scene was full of emotion and conflict, the punctuation took me out a little because I anticipated the language to be rushed/in a loud tone. Moving on, the main questions I had while reading was what exactly was wrong with Janine and why are the men attacking their home/who are they. I know these may be too big of questions to answer in a 10-12 page story, but I was curious to know more about them after reading. Possibly shifting some dialogue around to answer those questions could be the solution. Overall, this story had me engaged from beginning to end!
Sophie: After reading, this story follows a girl named Alice during her experience abroad in Morocco. It did seem that there was some location pivoting in the story where Alice and her two friends went to Paris for a weekend. I thought the use of description was extremely vivid and allowed the reader to picture where Alice was. Certain uses of metaphors and similes really sold that. It never felt like it was too much or too little in comparison with the dialogue. I believe the formatting of short descriptors blended with dialogue made it that way. Overall, I liked the concept that the author was going with. There were a few moments that I had to go back and re-read purely to understand where the narrator was physically and what was happening. I think this was due to the pacing and pivoting between ideas. Going from airport to Morocco to Paris and back to Morocco all while having major events happen in each was a lot to take in. My main suggestion with that is to allow there to be a little more set-up when you’re transitioning between them. Or, narrow the focus a little more to only one or two major events, which I believe would still send the message you’re trying to make at the end. This is all to say I was very interested in your story and curious to learn more in workshop!
Sophie: I love the way that you were able to really show the complexities of Alice through the narration. You gave so many hints to some form of anxiety or PTSD or both in Alice throughout her journeys. From what I gathered, this is the story of a girl in college facing her PTSD by leaving her comfort zone and exploring what another country has to offer. One could also say that this is the story of a college girl not being able to escape from traumatic events that seem to follow her around. There are a lot of good things working here, I love how you tied in everything at the end saying that there are a lot of things more scary than airports which at the beginning seemed to be one of the most scary things Alice could experience at the time, however that could have been her potential anxiety talking. Alice’s mental state is greatly represented in the story and I think that the flashback stories from the past worked well with understanding that Alice potentially has PTSD with the brief story of her experiencing a man with a gun slung over his shoulder strolling by her, we really get t understand where Alice’s skittishness comes from. I think my only suggestions would be to make time framing clear in the piece, I could have missed it but clarifying that could help. I like that you gave some hints showing that they were no longer in Morocco and now in Paris but then highlighted that fact so that the reader was 100% on the same page, I know that helped me. I love your really strong beginning and strong ending, well done!
Lizzy: The imaginational effort put into this story is phenomenal. I love the subtle hints throughout the story, as a vampire story fan, that led us into thinking that they were vampires. The idea of her mom being a witch and their family only having females in their line is a very curious subject and are some of the many reasons why this could easily be extended into a larger/ longer work. I would say that this is the story of a mom, doing her best to protect her daughter when she is most vulnerable who is then protected by her daughter in the end. One could also say this is the story of a supernatural family who constantly conflict with the humans in nearby towns. I think this piece raises a lot of questions. How did their family blood line originate? When or how did they become a supernatural family? Why does their line only bore females? Normally vampires are infertile since they are immortal, how will Janine have a child of her own? How is Janine a vampire when her mother is a witch? What are the ‘rules’ per se to this supernatural world since all of them tend to differ? I think this approach to the short story assignment was very cool and entertaining to read and try to figure out the pieces of the puzzle. I liked that your words were descriptive yet relatively quick and fast paced when we were in scenes closer to action, which flowed and worked really well. Also, your one or two sentence background tidbits that didn’t stray too far away from the action of the present flowed really well and provided just enough to keep any type of reader interested and following along. Overall very well done. Suggestions wise, I don’t have too many. I loved the ending, loved the multitude of aspects of show, don’t tell in your story, really nice job!
Lizzy: This definitely reads as a part of a larger whole, which I like. Not every short story needs a resolution to every plot point, and if anything a little bit of a cliff hanger makes the story more engaging in my eyes because it leaves us speculating and wanting more (Always a good thing). I do think this is a story that benefits from more than one read, as the experience you get reading it a second time is very different from reading it the first time due in part to knowing how the world works. I’m always a sucker for fantasy, but I do think one of the hardest parts of it is establishing a solid time period. I was able to get that it was close to modern day pretty quickly, but I think a way you could solidify it without having to add much more to the story would be something about clothing – in the beginning I was picturing Margot in something medieval as I read about the castle before flipping to something modern as the story progressed. Maybe something about a coat since it’s raining? That was really the only area that I struggled with, I think this was great!
Sophie: I am a bit ashamed to admit that I read over the opening paragraph too quickly and thought that a literal dragon was working airport security. It took me longer than it should have to realize that this was not, in fact, a modern take on a fantasy story. Great metaphor! I liked how it came full circle at the end, beginning and ending at an airport. It was a cute end to a cute story, which I liked a lot. The only thing I struggled with a bit was following the timeline, specifically at the time of the earthquake. It took me a few reads to figure out where the earthquake ended and Paris began, but I think that could be fixed with something as small as a bigger break in the paragraphs to signify more of a separation between the two to imply time passing. Great work!
Lizzie, I really liked this story. I think there was a lot that was going on here but the story didn’t feel to bogged down with the details. I really liked the type of story that this was. It was a different approach, but the supernatural aspect really gave something to the storyline. I think this story, with the type of background and detail you gave us, it could blossom into such a longer and larger story. But I also think that it worked really well within the realm of a short story. I really liked the background of this story, and I liked how we got bits and pieces of the family history throughout the chaos that was ensuing in their home. I think that to help understand more about their life and the processes of rebirth, to add a little bit more background earlier on within the story, rather than after the process was already occurring. I think just expanding on the ideas of the past, why they are the last of their family and a little bit more about why the hunters are coming to get them would help shape the story even more.
Sophie, I really liked this story. I think that there was so much that was going on with our main character, and how these emotions were something that everyone goes through when they finally “leave the nest.” I really enjoyed how you kept making parallels between the beast and the main character grabbing her sword when she was placed in a situation where she had so much fear. I think that this story really showed true human emotions. The only thing that tripped me up while reading this story was the location changes, while it wasn’t hard to follow or understand but I think that some sort of time jump and/or conversation about the scenery switching would help just understand exactly where they were and where she was going. I also liked how you picked a few moments of her time abroad. While as readers, and you as an author, know that there was so much that had gone on between each moment and before the story started, I really think the times of her journey that you picked were really well done. I think if you could find a way to incorporate more about her trauma, and why she was so afraid and how she got over that would be really helpful to the readers. Just to give a glimpse into her mind about what is going on, and how she feels would be so helpful.
Sophie: This story is about a girl named Alice who is traveling abroad for the first time. She has a fear of being separated from her family as well as the unknown in general. Throughout the story, she experiences events that shake her (physically and emotionally). In the end, she realizes that she cannot control everything and there are really scary things in the world but she can make it through them. I thoroughly enjoyed this story. I think that the way you describe the setting is very well done, it was very easy to imagine what the narrator was seeing and feeling. I also really like the voice you gave the narrator. The way she thinks is incredibly relatable. The way you wrote her fears and anxiety is very well done. The one thing that kind of confused me was the jump from Morocco to Paris. Perhaps adding a transition somehow or even just a more obvious page break would make it less of an outstanding shift in setting.
Lizzie: This story is about a woman helping her daughter transition into some kind of vampire creature. They are alone in a castle and there are men after them. The entirety of the story takes place only over a couple of hours but it is action-packed. I think the way you were able to show so many complicated things in a small amount of time is really amazing. I very much enjoyed reading this. I know usually fantasy-type stories do not lend themselves to a short story length however, I think you nailed it. I particularly enjoyed the way you described everything. I could envision the story in my mind like a perfect little short film. I think perhaps adding just a bit more background would make this story more believable in a fantasy sense. Some of the descriptors you chose made me think it took place in modern times while others made me think it was more of a period piece.
Sophie:
I feel that there are a lot of heavier, chunky blocks of texts in this piece that can be broken down, but what I want to get at is the story line. While the author is great at setting and putting that talent to good use, I feel the author should be focusing on the ending and the action scene a bit more. There’s a lot to this story and it goes in several different directions with a theme that loosely wraps it up, and I think that by not focusing on descriptors or settings as much that the author could actually flesh out the action scene and wrap up the story better. Basically, I think the author should be taking out a lot of these long scenes where they’re describing rooms or appearances and instead focus on the clown guy and the fear- focus more on emotions than scenery. And don’t be afraid to use semicolons (;) or dashes (-). When the author wrote “She watched with wide eyes and a firm stare as the creature wriggled and changed shape, breathing huffs of frustrated steam as if on the verge of setting the room ablaze with its breath.” I felt that as an example, this sentence could be broken up into two sentences while still keeping that vivid imagery. These sentences just feel a bit long and could be chopped up while maintaining the original intent. However, “It was a look that seemed to reflect in the tired faces of everyone who shuffled through that line, hauling luggage, pushing infants in strollers, arguing with their spouses, or working the metal detectors and directing people like cars stuck in traffic.” Was a great use of setting and imagery; and “like a proud sunset” sounds very beautiful. “At home, to find her favorite cafe, a car ride was required to escape the vast fields and thick woods of her quaint small town and to join the bustling traffic of the city.” Held a lot of imagery and was definitely my favorite line as it gives Alice character and depth. There’s a specific paragraph on the end of page 5 right before everything goes awry that I appreciate, I love the stylistic choices and the author’s choice to explore what Alice’s room looks like while still giving the audience a sense of distress because we know something is about to happen. Overall, I feel that the ending was rushed because the author didn’t know where to take it but that’s a common thing that happens.
Sophie: This story struck me as the tale of a cautious girl learning what it means to be brave in the face of danger. The description in the first few paragraphs of the apprehension of Alice was really well done, and I thought the analogy was really clever. Another thing I really liked was the approach to Alice’s mentality on life; Her experiences and people she’s encountered in the past clearly impact the future, which is really important for setting up her growth by the end of the story. Something you could expand on may be dialogue (making sure it seems conversational enough?). The girls talking to each other in Paris outside Notre Dame and the airport talked less like friends than I would expect. I also think giving some more detail on when the location is changing (why did she leave Morocco and go to France? How was the process from security to boarding the plane at the start of the story?). I really enjoyed the journey that Alice went through in this story, from really fearful about being alone to understanding that risks follow her everywhere and it’s her approach to those struggles that define her.
Lizzie: I really like how this reads almost like a mystery of what the supernatural thing was and how it worked; I like when you give readers information to piece together and you did it really well in this story for me. Another thing I really liked was the amount of detail you used when describing the movements characters were making during conversation. I could really picture the talks these characters were having. The exposition felt balanced and I looked forward to it since it gave me more info on the mystery. As a suggestion, I would maybe be a bit more clear on what Janine transformed into. It seems very animalistic but also vampiric? You mention the eyes turning black and muscles ripping as she grows, but what is she growing into? Also, this may be really randomly specific, but at the end of the story the narrator goes, “…or some happy movie ending like that.” which kinda confused me. Maybe making the time setting clearer would help? Overall, I really enjoyed piecing this story together and it really held onto my attention!
Lizzy, from what I gathered, this story you have written revolves around a transformation, a way of life and a mother trying to protect her daughter from a society that seeks to do it harm. I quite appreciated the fact that throughout the story we largely are not explicitly told what is going on and who these people are. We are given a perspective that paints them in a positive light. You showed them as wanting to protect their way of life and each other but only hinted at what this possibly could be. Because of this mystery, it kept me reading, the more was said the more I was curious. The payout at the end was quite interesting, though I feel perhaps it was quite a change of pace. There was a lot of build up and suspense. This allowed my mind to really turn around and speculate what was going on while reading. This, I felt, is a strong part of the story. That is also why I felt the ending was a bit off. It not only changed the pace, but no longer kept true to the ambiguous, biased nature the rest of the story held. In the end the clarification was satisfying, however I feel utilizing this sparingly and allowing the reader mere scraps would strengthen the ending. All in all, I found myself enjoying the read, the paragraphs were quite digestible and made for an easy read. The storytelling was great, and if implemented in the ending, could round out this excellent work.
Sophie,
After reading through your story, it seemed to me to be one of someone adjusting to a life outside of the one she grew up in, getting to experience new things and reminiscing. Throughout the beginning of your story, I found it a tad difficult to follow where we were and what train of thought we were following. The scenes jumped around and the jump from Morocco to France I found to be a bit jarring. Despite this, reading through, your imagery is quite strong, the picture you want to paint is evident, the medium in which you express that sometimes got a little crowded. Despite this your storytelling in the end really focused your piece. The beginning seemed interesting, but perhaps part of a prelude that was not as well fleshed out like the latter half of the story. The dialogue I felt worked, characters felt unique, and I would have liked to have known them for longer than the latter half of the story. My recommendation would be to focus on our characters story in France and develop the relationships and characters there and how they go about their story. Maybe even include a flashback/recollection of the main character’s experiences traveling and starting this journey.
Dear Sophie,
I loved your story; your portrayal of a scared girl going off on her own for the first time to study abroad was incredible and reminded me of my own study abroad experience. The mix of mundanity and the metaphorical “magical” aspect of it was beautiful, as though the protagonist has her head in the clouds or reframes each situation to make it more fantastical and make herself into someone who can handle these challenges. I especially loved the sword symbolism and how the call back at the end of the story was something she’s previously been shown to actually use as a method of security. My favorite part was the paragraph on page 8 where the protagonist talks about how she wanted her children to learn other languages so they could be more immersed in the cultures she couldn’t breach. I was really confused at the beginning, however. As cool of a beginning as the first paragraph is, it isn’t at all clear that the dragon is an airport crowd. Maybe you should intercut it with similes instead of going fully into the metaphor so you can better tell what’s happening there. It was also very confusing when “suddenly she was the beast’s tail” because, like the first paragraph, it’s cool as heck but extremely confusing and led me to read back a few times in case I missed something. Only once I finished the story and read it again did I appreciate the metaphor. Maybe you could include more visuals of the humans in the crowd earlier on. How your story connects is confusing as well, and it wasn’t until I was about halfway through that I realized how your scene changes worked and I feel that this could be improved for better readability.
Lizzie: I really like the perspective you took on this story. Right from the start its action filled and full of tension which kept me drawn in to find out what happens next. I think its difficult to be able to write a story about the supernatural because its so mysterious and thrilling but you did a great job with it. The story is about a mother and her daughter Janine going through the process of rebirth into a supernatural being. They are trying to say safe and protected from the harm humans cause towards them and their abilities. I like how it starts right in the action but I had a little bit of a hard time trying to connect the dots of what’s goin on. I think you should try and give more background so things make or sense. I think there are areas that leave questions about how and why this is happening to them and how they came to be supernatural. Is it genetic and passed down? Are they just born and life chooses what they will be? I overall enjoyed this story and it was set up and organized very well which made reading it easy. Great job!
Sophie: This story is about a girl named Alice that is dealing with what looks like PTSD and goes on a study abroad trip to Morocco. She goes through different challenges throughout the story and learns to face them. We see character growth as the story goes as Alice comes to realization of her adulthood and ability to be independent which I really like. I also really like the use of description in the story of her emotions and what she’s feeling. It makes her character more real and relatable. Describing setting was done very well as I could picture it but I would try and be more clear in location changes as I couldn’t tell she had come to Paris until she mentions being in Paris. A page break or transition paragraph could be useful. My favorite part is at the end she reopens the book she was reading heading to Morocco and continues it as she’s leaving, it gives a full circle moment in the story where it connects with he beginning. Good Job!