Dear Malachi,
I enjoyed your story of a man finding a father-son relationship, only to lose it. I liked how you used time to show the conflicted feelings that the protagonist has surrounding his family back home where he simulatenous doesn’t think about them or miss them, except on occassion when he does. This is especially true when interacting with his bunkmate and finding a father figure within the old man. I must admit, I was a bit confused in the story by the lack of a name for the main character, and it did pull me out of the story a bit. I think this story could benefit from first person narration since it is so focused on a singular character, but that’s ultimately up to you. I also wonder if we could see more from the family, since the father is often brought up but we don’t really know anything about him. Overall, I liked your story, hope to see more.
Hope this helps,
Rachel
Dear Malachi,
I would say that this is the story of a man, running from the downfalls of his family while trying to find out who he is through his new job. This could also be the story of a man gaining a second family through his new job and suddenly losing his mentor. I would say that this could definitely be a snapshot or a scene of a larger work, since we really have no idea how this loss of someone who has become so close to the greenhorn will affect him. I like that you drop a lot of hints as to what the greenhorn’s home life was like before leaving. I think that there are for sure areas with that where you can ramp up the tension, maybe dropping larger traumas from the greenhorns past to make him a bit more layered, especially with the 3rd person narration. I also think that the description around scenes like the dropping of the cage and costing the crew money could be given more detail in like when it it dropped, maybe like describing the sound of the line breaking and maybe the look on the greenhorns face as it falls. Same thing goes for the scene at the end that kills his bunk make, maybe more detain surrounding before the wench breaks to ramp up the tension like I said before. I think that you did good with adding in that the bunk mate was more of a father to the greenhorn than his real father ever was, shows what is at stake with the bunk mate dying at the end. I think this could be increased tension wise as well in that you could show this maybe by a flashback or a scene describing an incident where the greenhorn’s father demeaned him or maybe the father physically abused him or because the father was a mean drunk or whatever it is that you want to use to show why the father was not a great father or role model in the greenhorns life. This is a great start though! Definitely an intense way to end the story. Maybe you could end it with the like of “He was more of a father to the greenhorn than his real father ever would be” after showing how bad his father was and how much of a leader the bunk mate had been for the greenhorn (which I think you did that part effectively). Just some ideas that I had! Great job, and cool setting/ idea here!
Dear Malachi,
I loved the setting for this story! It’s very different from the other settings we’ve seen so far, which I think was really cool. The descriptions were on point, and I liked how easy it was to picture everything happening on the boat. One thing I’d like to know – what job are they doing out at sea? Is it a deadliest catch sort of situation, or something else? I also would have liked a little more at the end – it was almost too much of a cliff hanger, I want to know how it impacts our character! Maybe something about how it feels like he’s lost his family twice, since his bunk mate had become such a father figure to him. Is he going to continue his work on the boat, or return home? Good job!
Dear Kassidy,
I loved how we got a story with a non-human protagonist! It did take me a minute to catch on that it was from the point of view of a dog, but not long enough for me to be confused. Once it clicked, it clicked. It was a great feel good story! One thing I think would have been fun is if a lot of the human things were more foreign to our main character dog – they’ve seen phones and leashes plenty, but do they have their own word for it? Is there an aspect of humans that are still a mystery to them? I would have to loved to see that explored a little more. I also would have loved a little more at the end where Finny was begging for Rockets adoption – I wanted to see them pull out the puppy dog eyes, the whining, the whole nine yards to get Rocky adopted. The story works fine without it, I just it would be an extra layer of cuteness to a story already overflowing with it. Great story!
Dear Kassidy,
This is a story about a dog who escaped from home for an adventure but was captured and put in a shelter instead. In the end, his family finds him again and all is well. He even got to save his neighbor at the shelter! I thought this story was really well done! I especially enjoyed how you were able to capture the voice of a dog. It was like he had some knowledge of the human world but not through a human lens, through the lens of a dog who has different priorities. I also really liked how you had Finny interact with Bee and with Rocky. You were able to capture the sadness and mundanity of shelters very well. My heart ached for Rocky for being trapped there for so many years and at the end when he was adopted I could have cried. I think one thing to consider with this is realistically how far would Finny have gone from home. Also how realistic is it that the dogs were kept at the shelter for so long and not euthanized? There are dwindling numbers of kill shelters but seven years seems very long for a dog to be in there. Overall, though, this story was very creative and I thoroughly enjoyed it!
Dear Malachi,
This story is about a man starting a new life on a boat. He left home and struggles with the idea of leaving something less than desired but still familiar. Along the way he gets closer to his mentor who becomes family to him, only for this man to be ripped about from him. I think this story was very well done! You captured the inner turmoil of leaving home but still missing the good parts. I think if you gave us some more background about why he left home those emotions would be even more poignant. Giving us more on the greenhorn’s life will let us connect with him more. I love the character of his bunkmate. He is the wise old sage that every good story needs and he plays his part beautifully. Despite the ending being not only a shock but also devastating, I think it was a good choice. The greenhorn chose to lose his family, he didn’t choose to lose his mentor so that contrast could be a very fun thing to play around with. Maybe give us a bit more on what’s going through his head when the mentor gets carried away or when they’re waiting for the Coast Guard. Overall, a beautiful story about found family and leaving what needs to be left behind, behind.
Malachi: Really interesting story you’re building here! I thought the level of sensory detail you added was wonderful. There were moments I could almost smell/see/taste the foods and instances you were describing. The amount of description also didn’t feel to heavy in comparison to the dialogue. There was a good back-and-forth between the two that it felt balanced. There were a few things I was curious about as well so I’ll give a sentence for each below. It sounds like they’re simply lobster fisherman or another kind, but I think adding some more detail would clear that up. Since the parents and their relationship to him are such a large part of the characters mental state, give a little more on why he left. Was there a big fight, or was he sick of the treatment from his parents? And, because it might add a little bit more character depth, why the fishing boat and not another job? What compelled him to take on a routine-changing job?
Kassidy: This story was a feel-good take on what could’ve been something super sad, and I really like it! I felt like I was sitting on the edge of my seat til the end to see what was going to happen to Finn. Overall, it was interesting to me that you wrote from the perspective of an animal because it’s not a typical POV we see. I thought doing so made the story more engaging. The level of description you add as well made the story flow and paint a pretty clear picture. There were only two question/suggestions that came up for me while reading. First, it might be helpful to establish more details about Finn higher up in the story. Although you give away his breed and name in the end, doing so in the beginning I think will help readers connect with the narrator more quickly. It was a little disorienting having to figure out if he was a human or animal, so adding those details would also aid with this. The other suggestion I had was to give us a little more about the family. I was really curious to know more about their relationship with Finn because of the extent they went to finding him.
Dear Kassidy,
I loved your story about a dog’s time in a shelter, especially since the dog’s narration early on reminds me of a Christmas movie I really like that is narrated by the family dog. I loved how the narrator cares so deeply for the little girl, Bee, and how he didn’t choose to run away, but simply got distracted and lost in his childish (or puppy-ish, I suppose) excitement. I also love how he matured throughout the story, gaining an understanding of time and the struggles of the other dogs at the shelter. I was also very relieved when his family found him again, and was really happy to see they took in Rocky as well, considering he has been without a home or family for a very long time, especially when considering that a human year is roughly seven dog years. I wonder what would happen if we learned more about Rocky’s backstory— was he in a similar situation as the narrator, but his family never found him? Was he abandoned? Overall, I really liked this story and can’t wait to read more!
Hope this helps,
Rachel
Malachi,
This is the story of a man escaping his family, and finding a new one, by working on a fishing boat. I thought this story was really gripping, and I really enjoyed particularly the imagery of the boat and the work that was conducted on it. I loved the perspective of this story. It worked really well to me, especially considering the end and the internal struggles of the greenhorn’s both guilt and regret for leaving, but affirmation that it was for the best. As for a recommendation, I wanted more on the parents, or at least why the main character wanted to leave home other than scuffles with their parents. Is there something more serious than nagging that pushed them away from home? A question I had was: what time period is this story set in? There’s a coast guard so it must be more modern, but the whole time I was picturing an old galleon or large fishing boat. Maybe there’s opportunities to expand more on the technology or material of the boat? I really enjoyed the living and breathing nature of the setting of this story, and you worked with it masterfully! Great work Malachi!
Kassidy,
I really loved this story! It was so lighthearted but also so saddening to read. I really loved the ending, it just left me with such a big smile on my face! The perspective of this story was super intriguing to me, as I haven’t read a story from the perspective of a dog before. I thought you did it pretty effectively, though there were a few times when I couldn’t tell the level of intelligence of the dog. He knew what the concept of 10 was, but couldn’t read English words, which made me a bit confused at his level of knowledge. I thought the beginning was a little confusing until I reached the point where the narrator was clearly revealed as a dog. I think the setting in the kennel was well described and I could really picture the dreariness of it. I really liked the choices of what memories of home were included and I felt the characters of the humans we also well developed. Another place of confusion for me was the appearance of Rocky. There was a description of his appearance pretty consistently since his introduction, but I still struggled to make a mental image of him. Overall, this story worked really well for me and I enjoyed it!
Dear Kassidy, I love that you can almost immediately tell it’s about a dog, I feel that this story would make a wonderful children’s book as it proves very palatable. The progression of the story fills in nicely and throughout it I feel that it is very emotion-driven. I think that it’s a bit ironic and humorous, and that the ending ties together well. I was so worried that the dog was going to get hurt, hit by a car, or never found again! SO that kind of want really draws the reader in, good job! I thought the tidbits on the dog’s background were cutesy, and that the window bit was funny. I love the joyous outlook this dog has throughout the story, I feel that it should’ve been a hint to me that nothing bad was going to happen but I couldn’t help but worry, still! I loved the ending again, too.
Dear Malachi, Your story had many great descriptors littered throughout. I feel that both stories deal with someone bored of their static environments that they face so they explore and get a taste of nature. I loved the word choices, for example your use of the word “nipped” really fit. You had a great transition into reality from the background of the story, too. Something that I would always say to my friends in high school who all loved to write like I do is how the main story is like a forest, and that the background is like the light seeping through the trees- that the birds and the sounds are the senses you need to utilize to make the reader feel like they’re there. You perfected that, not too much light, and lots of sensory details. I love that the background still peaks through at different points in the story, showing the main character’s relatable humanity. I think you should work more on weaving your dialogue into the story, but that’s my only complaint! Good job.
Malachi: This story is about a man who leaves his past life in search for a better life on a boat. He becomes close to his mentor only for him to be taken from his life as well. I feel the theme of this story is the idea of loss. I really enjoyed reading this I could feel tension pulling me through the whole story. You did a really good job brining emotion to the dialogue and characters. A suggestion I have is maybe give more in the beginning on the mans family and some background to lead into him wanting out of his family. Also maybe also give your characters named so it feels more personable when reading. Overall great job the ending had me jaw dropped.
Kassidy: This is a story about a dog curious about the world and wanting to explore but ends up getting taken away and put in a shelter. I absolutely loved this story it was very different from all the rest as it was narrated in the perspective of the dog which really makes me feel more connected to the dogs character and personality. I love the character growth of the dog throughout the story and how going through this experience caused the dog to have to mature. It took me a bit to realize the narrator was a dog so maybe clear that up some towards the engining without being too obvious. A suggestion would be during the shelter time its not really possible for dogs to be there for years as typically there’s a time limit before they have to euthanize unfortunately so maybe bring that somewhere in there or lessen the shelter time to a more reasonable time frame. Overall great job I loved this story it was so wholesome!
Kassidy, I really liked this story. I liked how it had such a different premise from every other story that we have read. Taking the perspective from a dog, and using that as your main narration was really cool. I also really liked the narration. Being able to make the narration and description seem very animalistic while also having human attributes was really good and helped keep me in the story. I think that this move was really good to ensure that your readers were still in the story, and it didn’t take me out of it. I also really loved the relationship that was seen between our narrator and his family. At the beginning, I thought hat he wanted to escape home, but as the story moved along I could see how much he loved his family and how he didn’t want to leave them at all. I think that is we could get a little more background in the beginning that it was accident that he left home, and that he was just being curious, would really help us understand why he ended up in the shelter.
Malachi, I really liked this story. The imagery and description of the life our narrator was living on the boat was really well done. I also really enjoyed how this was the story of finding family, and finding the people that do truly care about you. I think that the way you described the main characters transition onto this new life on the boat and what it meant to him was really important. I also really liked the ending, it was very sudden and created all of this chaos at the end of the story, but it still ended in a good way. I think that throughout the entire story I was curious as to why our main character left home, and what drove him to want to leave home. Questions about that and who he was as a person were there through the story. I think that if you included that information more about who our main character is and what his reason to go on this trip, or create a new life, would help us better understand the character.
Dear Kassidy,
A heart-waming story(isn’t it always when a dog is the main character?) about a dog who runs away and is brought to the pound, facing the fact that he may be stuck there forever. I think it’s really cool that you never directly said that Finny is a dog. I realized about halfway down the first page. Your writing of how a dog would perceive the world was really cool, and telling about what a dog would prioritize in life. I also love the little excerpts of family moments and how they tie into the end, like the light up sketchers. The reunion scene at the end nearly made me cry. Having Rocky go with the family was such a nice way to end the story. Bee definitely seems like the kind of kid to give her dogs all her attention.
I only have a couple criticisms to this story, like that the transitions between the flashbacks to the family could be smoother, and there’s some clunky language, like on page 7, however, these are more superficial and will be fixed upon revision and editing. I’m more concerned with things like the similes and metaphors Finny uses, many of which seem strange that a dog would understand or think of in these situations, though I guess that depends on the mind capacity of the dogs in this universe. Finally, this story doesn’t really have a lot of conflict. There’s nothing in the course of this story for Finny to work past or truly realize or anything like that. Maybe he realizes how important family is to him, but it seems like he already knew that. I suggest changing Finny’s situation or behavior so his character arc is more impactful.
Dear Malachi,
This is the story of a young man settling into a life away from his overbearing family, and along the way possibly finding a new one. I was confused at the beginning as to why the main character didn’t have a name, just being referenced by pronouns, but I like that eventually he was simply called the greenhorn. I really like the scenes of the mundane, like the day to day, the little moments, times of bonding and of mistakes and learning that the greenhorn has with the other members of the crew.
Unfortunately, there are some pronouns that need to be fixed, such as the “I” and first person perspective the story suddenly shifts to on page 6. While the effect is clearly supposed to bring the reader into his mortified mind, the sudden shift took me out of the story. While the greenhorn doesn’t have a name, I found it strange you wouldn’t give the bunkmate a name either, not even a nickname. Maybe that’s just a creative choice I don’t understand. Next, there doesn’t seem to be a real conflict except the greenhorn’s struggles with family identity. He seems to learn later that the crew is his family. In this situation, I’d recommend that you emphasize the other crew members as being like family as well as the bunkmate, and especially shift the main character’s mindset on the bunkmate so the reader can more easily follow their connection. This feels especially necessary for the ending, which is kind of unsatisfying because the bunkmate just dies out of the blue. There’s no real build up and no apparent grief for the reader to grip onto, just a detached knowledge that this situation could’ve turned out differently.
11 thoughts on “JOURNAL # 19”
Dear Malachi,
I enjoyed your story of a man finding a father-son relationship, only to lose it. I liked how you used time to show the conflicted feelings that the protagonist has surrounding his family back home where he simulatenous doesn’t think about them or miss them, except on occassion when he does. This is especially true when interacting with his bunkmate and finding a father figure within the old man. I must admit, I was a bit confused in the story by the lack of a name for the main character, and it did pull me out of the story a bit. I think this story could benefit from first person narration since it is so focused on a singular character, but that’s ultimately up to you. I also wonder if we could see more from the family, since the father is often brought up but we don’t really know anything about him. Overall, I liked your story, hope to see more.
Hope this helps,
Rachel
Dear Malachi,
I would say that this is the story of a man, running from the downfalls of his family while trying to find out who he is through his new job. This could also be the story of a man gaining a second family through his new job and suddenly losing his mentor. I would say that this could definitely be a snapshot or a scene of a larger work, since we really have no idea how this loss of someone who has become so close to the greenhorn will affect him. I like that you drop a lot of hints as to what the greenhorn’s home life was like before leaving. I think that there are for sure areas with that where you can ramp up the tension, maybe dropping larger traumas from the greenhorns past to make him a bit more layered, especially with the 3rd person narration. I also think that the description around scenes like the dropping of the cage and costing the crew money could be given more detail in like when it it dropped, maybe like describing the sound of the line breaking and maybe the look on the greenhorns face as it falls. Same thing goes for the scene at the end that kills his bunk make, maybe more detain surrounding before the wench breaks to ramp up the tension like I said before. I think that you did good with adding in that the bunk mate was more of a father to the greenhorn than his real father ever was, shows what is at stake with the bunk mate dying at the end. I think this could be increased tension wise as well in that you could show this maybe by a flashback or a scene describing an incident where the greenhorn’s father demeaned him or maybe the father physically abused him or because the father was a mean drunk or whatever it is that you want to use to show why the father was not a great father or role model in the greenhorns life. This is a great start though! Definitely an intense way to end the story. Maybe you could end it with the like of “He was more of a father to the greenhorn than his real father ever would be” after showing how bad his father was and how much of a leader the bunk mate had been for the greenhorn (which I think you did that part effectively). Just some ideas that I had! Great job, and cool setting/ idea here!
Dear Malachi,
I loved the setting for this story! It’s very different from the other settings we’ve seen so far, which I think was really cool. The descriptions were on point, and I liked how easy it was to picture everything happening on the boat. One thing I’d like to know – what job are they doing out at sea? Is it a deadliest catch sort of situation, or something else? I also would have liked a little more at the end – it was almost too much of a cliff hanger, I want to know how it impacts our character! Maybe something about how it feels like he’s lost his family twice, since his bunk mate had become such a father figure to him. Is he going to continue his work on the boat, or return home? Good job!
Dear Kassidy,
I loved how we got a story with a non-human protagonist! It did take me a minute to catch on that it was from the point of view of a dog, but not long enough for me to be confused. Once it clicked, it clicked. It was a great feel good story! One thing I think would have been fun is if a lot of the human things were more foreign to our main character dog – they’ve seen phones and leashes plenty, but do they have their own word for it? Is there an aspect of humans that are still a mystery to them? I would have to loved to see that explored a little more. I also would have loved a little more at the end where Finny was begging for Rockets adoption – I wanted to see them pull out the puppy dog eyes, the whining, the whole nine yards to get Rocky adopted. The story works fine without it, I just it would be an extra layer of cuteness to a story already overflowing with it. Great story!
Dear Kassidy,
This is a story about a dog who escaped from home for an adventure but was captured and put in a shelter instead. In the end, his family finds him again and all is well. He even got to save his neighbor at the shelter! I thought this story was really well done! I especially enjoyed how you were able to capture the voice of a dog. It was like he had some knowledge of the human world but not through a human lens, through the lens of a dog who has different priorities. I also really liked how you had Finny interact with Bee and with Rocky. You were able to capture the sadness and mundanity of shelters very well. My heart ached for Rocky for being trapped there for so many years and at the end when he was adopted I could have cried. I think one thing to consider with this is realistically how far would Finny have gone from home. Also how realistic is it that the dogs were kept at the shelter for so long and not euthanized? There are dwindling numbers of kill shelters but seven years seems very long for a dog to be in there. Overall, though, this story was very creative and I thoroughly enjoyed it!
Dear Malachi,
This story is about a man starting a new life on a boat. He left home and struggles with the idea of leaving something less than desired but still familiar. Along the way he gets closer to his mentor who becomes family to him, only for this man to be ripped about from him. I think this story was very well done! You captured the inner turmoil of leaving home but still missing the good parts. I think if you gave us some more background about why he left home those emotions would be even more poignant. Giving us more on the greenhorn’s life will let us connect with him more. I love the character of his bunkmate. He is the wise old sage that every good story needs and he plays his part beautifully. Despite the ending being not only a shock but also devastating, I think it was a good choice. The greenhorn chose to lose his family, he didn’t choose to lose his mentor so that contrast could be a very fun thing to play around with. Maybe give us a bit more on what’s going through his head when the mentor gets carried away or when they’re waiting for the Coast Guard. Overall, a beautiful story about found family and leaving what needs to be left behind, behind.
Malachi: Really interesting story you’re building here! I thought the level of sensory detail you added was wonderful. There were moments I could almost smell/see/taste the foods and instances you were describing. The amount of description also didn’t feel to heavy in comparison to the dialogue. There was a good back-and-forth between the two that it felt balanced. There were a few things I was curious about as well so I’ll give a sentence for each below. It sounds like they’re simply lobster fisherman or another kind, but I think adding some more detail would clear that up. Since the parents and their relationship to him are such a large part of the characters mental state, give a little more on why he left. Was there a big fight, or was he sick of the treatment from his parents? And, because it might add a little bit more character depth, why the fishing boat and not another job? What compelled him to take on a routine-changing job?
Kassidy: This story was a feel-good take on what could’ve been something super sad, and I really like it! I felt like I was sitting on the edge of my seat til the end to see what was going to happen to Finn. Overall, it was interesting to me that you wrote from the perspective of an animal because it’s not a typical POV we see. I thought doing so made the story more engaging. The level of description you add as well made the story flow and paint a pretty clear picture. There were only two question/suggestions that came up for me while reading. First, it might be helpful to establish more details about Finn higher up in the story. Although you give away his breed and name in the end, doing so in the beginning I think will help readers connect with the narrator more quickly. It was a little disorienting having to figure out if he was a human or animal, so adding those details would also aid with this. The other suggestion I had was to give us a little more about the family. I was really curious to know more about their relationship with Finn because of the extent they went to finding him.
Dear Kassidy,
I loved your story about a dog’s time in a shelter, especially since the dog’s narration early on reminds me of a Christmas movie I really like that is narrated by the family dog. I loved how the narrator cares so deeply for the little girl, Bee, and how he didn’t choose to run away, but simply got distracted and lost in his childish (or puppy-ish, I suppose) excitement. I also love how he matured throughout the story, gaining an understanding of time and the struggles of the other dogs at the shelter. I was also very relieved when his family found him again, and was really happy to see they took in Rocky as well, considering he has been without a home or family for a very long time, especially when considering that a human year is roughly seven dog years. I wonder what would happen if we learned more about Rocky’s backstory— was he in a similar situation as the narrator, but his family never found him? Was he abandoned? Overall, I really liked this story and can’t wait to read more!
Hope this helps,
Rachel
Malachi,
This is the story of a man escaping his family, and finding a new one, by working on a fishing boat. I thought this story was really gripping, and I really enjoyed particularly the imagery of the boat and the work that was conducted on it. I loved the perspective of this story. It worked really well to me, especially considering the end and the internal struggles of the greenhorn’s both guilt and regret for leaving, but affirmation that it was for the best. As for a recommendation, I wanted more on the parents, or at least why the main character wanted to leave home other than scuffles with their parents. Is there something more serious than nagging that pushed them away from home? A question I had was: what time period is this story set in? There’s a coast guard so it must be more modern, but the whole time I was picturing an old galleon or large fishing boat. Maybe there’s opportunities to expand more on the technology or material of the boat? I really enjoyed the living and breathing nature of the setting of this story, and you worked with it masterfully! Great work Malachi!
Kassidy,
I really loved this story! It was so lighthearted but also so saddening to read. I really loved the ending, it just left me with such a big smile on my face! The perspective of this story was super intriguing to me, as I haven’t read a story from the perspective of a dog before. I thought you did it pretty effectively, though there were a few times when I couldn’t tell the level of intelligence of the dog. He knew what the concept of 10 was, but couldn’t read English words, which made me a bit confused at his level of knowledge. I thought the beginning was a little confusing until I reached the point where the narrator was clearly revealed as a dog. I think the setting in the kennel was well described and I could really picture the dreariness of it. I really liked the choices of what memories of home were included and I felt the characters of the humans we also well developed. Another place of confusion for me was the appearance of Rocky. There was a description of his appearance pretty consistently since his introduction, but I still struggled to make a mental image of him. Overall, this story worked really well for me and I enjoyed it!
Dear Kassidy, I love that you can almost immediately tell it’s about a dog, I feel that this story would make a wonderful children’s book as it proves very palatable. The progression of the story fills in nicely and throughout it I feel that it is very emotion-driven. I think that it’s a bit ironic and humorous, and that the ending ties together well. I was so worried that the dog was going to get hurt, hit by a car, or never found again! SO that kind of want really draws the reader in, good job! I thought the tidbits on the dog’s background were cutesy, and that the window bit was funny. I love the joyous outlook this dog has throughout the story, I feel that it should’ve been a hint to me that nothing bad was going to happen but I couldn’t help but worry, still! I loved the ending again, too.
Dear Malachi, Your story had many great descriptors littered throughout. I feel that both stories deal with someone bored of their static environments that they face so they explore and get a taste of nature. I loved the word choices, for example your use of the word “nipped” really fit. You had a great transition into reality from the background of the story, too. Something that I would always say to my friends in high school who all loved to write like I do is how the main story is like a forest, and that the background is like the light seeping through the trees- that the birds and the sounds are the senses you need to utilize to make the reader feel like they’re there. You perfected that, not too much light, and lots of sensory details. I love that the background still peaks through at different points in the story, showing the main character’s relatable humanity. I think you should work more on weaving your dialogue into the story, but that’s my only complaint! Good job.
Malachi: This story is about a man who leaves his past life in search for a better life on a boat. He becomes close to his mentor only for him to be taken from his life as well. I feel the theme of this story is the idea of loss. I really enjoyed reading this I could feel tension pulling me through the whole story. You did a really good job brining emotion to the dialogue and characters. A suggestion I have is maybe give more in the beginning on the mans family and some background to lead into him wanting out of his family. Also maybe also give your characters named so it feels more personable when reading. Overall great job the ending had me jaw dropped.
Kassidy: This is a story about a dog curious about the world and wanting to explore but ends up getting taken away and put in a shelter. I absolutely loved this story it was very different from all the rest as it was narrated in the perspective of the dog which really makes me feel more connected to the dogs character and personality. I love the character growth of the dog throughout the story and how going through this experience caused the dog to have to mature. It took me a bit to realize the narrator was a dog so maybe clear that up some towards the engining without being too obvious. A suggestion would be during the shelter time its not really possible for dogs to be there for years as typically there’s a time limit before they have to euthanize unfortunately so maybe bring that somewhere in there or lessen the shelter time to a more reasonable time frame. Overall great job I loved this story it was so wholesome!
Kassidy, I really liked this story. I liked how it had such a different premise from every other story that we have read. Taking the perspective from a dog, and using that as your main narration was really cool. I also really liked the narration. Being able to make the narration and description seem very animalistic while also having human attributes was really good and helped keep me in the story. I think that this move was really good to ensure that your readers were still in the story, and it didn’t take me out of it. I also really loved the relationship that was seen between our narrator and his family. At the beginning, I thought hat he wanted to escape home, but as the story moved along I could see how much he loved his family and how he didn’t want to leave them at all. I think that is we could get a little more background in the beginning that it was accident that he left home, and that he was just being curious, would really help us understand why he ended up in the shelter.
Malachi, I really liked this story. The imagery and description of the life our narrator was living on the boat was really well done. I also really enjoyed how this was the story of finding family, and finding the people that do truly care about you. I think that the way you described the main characters transition onto this new life on the boat and what it meant to him was really important. I also really liked the ending, it was very sudden and created all of this chaos at the end of the story, but it still ended in a good way. I think that throughout the entire story I was curious as to why our main character left home, and what drove him to want to leave home. Questions about that and who he was as a person were there through the story. I think that if you included that information more about who our main character is and what his reason to go on this trip, or create a new life, would help us better understand the character.
Dear Kassidy,
A heart-waming story(isn’t it always when a dog is the main character?) about a dog who runs away and is brought to the pound, facing the fact that he may be stuck there forever. I think it’s really cool that you never directly said that Finny is a dog. I realized about halfway down the first page. Your writing of how a dog would perceive the world was really cool, and telling about what a dog would prioritize in life. I also love the little excerpts of family moments and how they tie into the end, like the light up sketchers. The reunion scene at the end nearly made me cry. Having Rocky go with the family was such a nice way to end the story. Bee definitely seems like the kind of kid to give her dogs all her attention.
I only have a couple criticisms to this story, like that the transitions between the flashbacks to the family could be smoother, and there’s some clunky language, like on page 7, however, these are more superficial and will be fixed upon revision and editing. I’m more concerned with things like the similes and metaphors Finny uses, many of which seem strange that a dog would understand or think of in these situations, though I guess that depends on the mind capacity of the dogs in this universe. Finally, this story doesn’t really have a lot of conflict. There’s nothing in the course of this story for Finny to work past or truly realize or anything like that. Maybe he realizes how important family is to him, but it seems like he already knew that. I suggest changing Finny’s situation or behavior so his character arc is more impactful.
Dear Malachi,
This is the story of a young man settling into a life away from his overbearing family, and along the way possibly finding a new one. I was confused at the beginning as to why the main character didn’t have a name, just being referenced by pronouns, but I like that eventually he was simply called the greenhorn. I really like the scenes of the mundane, like the day to day, the little moments, times of bonding and of mistakes and learning that the greenhorn has with the other members of the crew.
Unfortunately, there are some pronouns that need to be fixed, such as the “I” and first person perspective the story suddenly shifts to on page 6. While the effect is clearly supposed to bring the reader into his mortified mind, the sudden shift took me out of the story. While the greenhorn doesn’t have a name, I found it strange you wouldn’t give the bunkmate a name either, not even a nickname. Maybe that’s just a creative choice I don’t understand. Next, there doesn’t seem to be a real conflict except the greenhorn’s struggles with family identity. He seems to learn later that the crew is his family. In this situation, I’d recommend that you emphasize the other crew members as being like family as well as the bunkmate, and especially shift the main character’s mindset on the bunkmate so the reader can more easily follow their connection. This feels especially necessary for the ending, which is kind of unsatisfying because the bunkmate just dies out of the blue. There’s no real build up and no apparent grief for the reader to grip onto, just a detached knowledge that this situation could’ve turned out differently.