Dear Malachi,
Your story of a man with dementia spending time with his daughter was absolutely heartbreaking, and I love it for that. I love the slow realization the narrator has after the audience has already pieced it together, I find that kind of irony absolutely soul-crushing in a way that is so intriguing. I also loved how the story opened with such a sweet moment that showed how much the main character loved his family, as it makes it mean something when he forgets his daughter, Mary. I wonder how the story might benefit from slowing the reader’s realization and building up tension in the beginning, though I think this story was absolutely fantastic. Hope that helps!
Rachel
Dear Rachel,
This story was very beautifully written. I really appreciate that you are not scared to write characters who settle into the morally gray. The tension between the sisters is extremely well done. You captured the sense of anxiety and jealousy very well. I think there is a lot of character background we need for a story like this so sometimes it feels a bit bogged down and the plot seems to cease its chugging along a bit but it isn’t too too distracting from the whole story.
Dear Malachi,
This is such a beautiful yet heartbreaking story. Writing about a character with dementia is never going to be easy but you captured it very well. You also have such a way of describing things. I could feel the love that the narrator had for his wife, like it is such a palpable feeling in this story, it’s incredible. I think perhaps taking away some of the repetition of thoughts may help to keep pushing the plot forward but also I understand how tricky that may be as the repetitive thoughts are a hallmark of dementia. Over all though this story was beautiful.
Dear Malachi,
Wow. Just wow. This is the saddest story I have ever read. I am really in a loss for words other than wow. I give you props for tackling such a harsh reality of humanity, and being able to explore it and portray it as well as you did. The confusion of this poor old man showed through so well and I really could not think of a better beginning ending or middle. All of the lines were so powerful and drove me forward when reading. I was a bit confused at first but I really began to get what was going on on page 3 and I love year hints and lead up to that. The description and layout of this poor mans thought process was immaculate. You were really able to characterize Mary and Adeline as well even through a senile narrator which is very impressive. Like I said all of the lines were powerful but there were a few where my jaw actually dropped and the end brought me to tears. I think this was executed beautifully. The description really works well also, him getting lost and trapped in his own house to then be brought out of it by the sight of the flowers and thinking Adeline planted them. All of it was so good. I feel so bad for Mary and juts wow what a sad sad truth. Not to mention I also love your title, it is truly fitting.
Dear Rachel,
I really love how much this story ties into your last, obviously on purpose with the same characters. Your description is really working well in this which was the same as your last work also I believe. I wrote down the line “…she offers me a smile that doesn’t quite reach her eyes, only serving too move the mole on her cheek”(page5). This tells so much with just one sentence, that the smile could be fake or that the feelings between the characters are just not that strong, just forced to interact because they are family. I feel like this feeling is very relatable and that line just stuck out to me, made me reread it because I just loved how poetically appropriate it was in the moment. You have a lot of great detail and description like this throughout the whole work and that is really working well for you here. Another example that stuck out from the first page being the mention of discount laundry detergent which is a perfect insertion of this, showing they a have enough money to get by but they are just barely getting by in their current life situation. Your writing has been very poetic between your two works and I really enjoy your writing style being so established, really great job on this!
Dear Malachi,
Great story with great conflict! I liked how centered everything was, and even though we can garner through context clues that our main characters mind is slipping it doesn’t take away from the actual reveal at all. Though this story is sad, it doesn’t make me feel very sad at all (in a good way!). Our main character was able to plant a tribute to his wife that will continue to grow long after he is gone, and they have a daughter to carry on their memory. I think the only thing I struggled with was that it took me a bit longer than it should have to realize our main character talks with a stutter, I think just associate stuttering in text with a dashes instead of commas, so it was just my biases at play. Very bittersweet, great job!
Dear Rachel,
I like how you weren’t afraid to take the plunge into writing for a morally gray character. Not every protagonist will be a feel good hero, and I like seeing that in this story. I do think this story would benefit a lot from some background however. There were a few moments where I was struggling to figure out what time period we were in (I think it was really just the one part where it says carriage that threw me off). I also struggled a bit with the character relationships – if the father is gambling away all of the money Lovette is struggling to earn, why is she so friendly with him? After seeing her sister throw her life away working for Linus, why is our main character so eager to follow in her footsteps? Just some things I think I would be interested to know while reading the story. Good work!
Dear Rachel,
This is the story of a girl who turns from a caterpillar to a moth instead of a butterfly. Ethel is an observant and cunning girl, but she’s a victim of jealousy and unhealthy relationships with nearly every other character in the story. I love the things you choose to show versus tell the reader. For example, despite the conflict and favoritism separating the sisters, they clearly care for each other, bantering and giving gifts. Interestingly, in some ways, one could assume that Lovette or Tabitha would be jealous of Ethel, who gets to leave the house with her higher-class mother and who has a level of security they never will, but Ethel clearly simply desires the attention and loyalty Lovette gets unconditionally and all the time. I also love the juxtaposition between the two sides of Ethel’s life, the white house and white dress she wears with her mother, where she remembers Dillon’s love in her life versus the darkness haunting the home she shares with Tabitha and Lovette which is haunted by blood money and memories of younger, potentially happier days. Finally, I find it hilarious that everyone can tell how awful Linus is even when he’s successfully charming.
The biggest issue I have with this piece is that it’s hard to follow on a first read-through. There’s so many inner thoughts and it feels like I’m taking in new information with every word. The switch between the first part of the story at Ethel’s dad’s house and her mom’s house means we have to absorb twice as much information and Ethel’s observations/thoughts on them. I honestly don’t see this as a bad thing, but it is something first-time readers could get tripped up on; so much information.
Dear Malachi,
This story is from the perspective of someone who has some form of long-term memory loss. I really like that the throughline of this story is calendar dates, allowing the reader to follow the progression of the narrator losing his memories in the gaps of time. It was fun trying to piece together what was real and what was past memories or dreams or hallucinations, as well as trying to determine what the narrator does and doesn’t remember. Like his daughter’s relationships or the places they’ve gone and topics they’ve discussed. I love that Adeline s a constant for the narrator, he’s always mentally in a time and place where she’s still alive and they’re in love. It’s likely that the memory of her is the reason the garden is still watered every day, and the house is like a touchstone for his memories of her. I wondered if Adeline was still alive the whole time, but since the daughter never saw her it seemed more likely that she was gone.
I’m unfamiliar with this kind of story. It’s something new I never considered and is very well done. However, that means I don’t have a lot of criticism for it. The best I have is commenting on some formatting errors, such as spacing between paragraphs, but especially the repetitive language. I enjoyed that the narrator stuttered and it still fit in the story, but there were times outside of the stuttering where repetitive language took me out of the story. Still, very well done.
Rachel,
I loved the complex relationships between the characters in your story! Lovette and her sisters are in a precarious position that makes it hard to foster a stable relationship. The relationship between Linus and Evelyn was also intriguing, though the character of Linus itself was very grabbing to me. The way you characterize your characters is really well done. The descriptions of the step-mother were particularly resonant to me, particularly the sections on how she is dressed, the way she lies, and the way the narrator thinks of her. I know this is a continuation of the previous story we read and I thought that really added to my experience of reading it, though I found myself wondering if this story could stand alone without the knowledge of the other. I also found myself being pulled out of the story because of my confusion with time period. Why is there a carriage but people walking on the street with smartphones? Then they get in the car; Is the car the same as the carriage? I think more clarity on year or some more anchoring details can set us up in a more solid temporal space.
Malachi,
This story is so profound yet so tragic. I loved the dialogue in this story. It does a lot of the heavy lifting in terms of showing the main character’s struggle to maintain his mind as well as his difficulties with speech. The interactions between the father and daughters are heartbreaking but also so heartwarming. Showing how the daughters are doing their best to contribute to their father’s life and keep him grounded in his life while it’s slipping from him was really well done. I loved the floral descriptions and the colors. The images were really vivid to me. As for a suggestion, I found myself a bit confused about what was going on at times. Particularly when the narrator thought he was trapped somewhere. Was he just in his house but couldn’t recognize it? I think this works as is, I just felt a little lost. I wanted a little more at the end, it felt a little abrupt. There’s also an argument to be made that this works for the overall feel of the story, so I think you could also keep it as is!
Malachi, this story was really good. You captured such a beautiful, and sad, chain of events in our narrators life. We lived through him, and lost everything through him as well. With a situation as tough as Alzheimers you really nailed the description and the fear that is seen in someone with the disease. I really loved how you portrayed the daughter, she was going through the situation in a different light than her father, but was still struggling and you showed that through her interactions with our narrator. The description, dialogue and confusion were done so well with this character. Giving us so much to imagine about him now, and about his life in the past. Overall it was done really well was emotionally and artistically captivating.
Rachel, I liked this story. It seems like a continuation of the story that we read from you last class, and gave us a different glimpse at these characters. Your writing is very well done, very descriptive and puts us right into the midst of the scenes with the characters. And your characters seem very well rounded. As you showed a situation from your previous story, something we missed earlier but still had some sort of inkling about but from another perspective was really cool. It gave us a chance to look into another character, and how everything went down when Lovette left. Your way of describing and showing characters who aren’t always the best people, or make the best decisions is such a good move and makes it very compelling to read about this story.
7 thoughts on “JOURNAL # 22”
Dear Malachi,
Your story of a man with dementia spending time with his daughter was absolutely heartbreaking, and I love it for that. I love the slow realization the narrator has after the audience has already pieced it together, I find that kind of irony absolutely soul-crushing in a way that is so intriguing. I also loved how the story opened with such a sweet moment that showed how much the main character loved his family, as it makes it mean something when he forgets his daughter, Mary. I wonder how the story might benefit from slowing the reader’s realization and building up tension in the beginning, though I think this story was absolutely fantastic. Hope that helps!
Rachel
Dear Rachel,
This story was very beautifully written. I really appreciate that you are not scared to write characters who settle into the morally gray. The tension between the sisters is extremely well done. You captured the sense of anxiety and jealousy very well. I think there is a lot of character background we need for a story like this so sometimes it feels a bit bogged down and the plot seems to cease its chugging along a bit but it isn’t too too distracting from the whole story.
Dear Malachi,
This is such a beautiful yet heartbreaking story. Writing about a character with dementia is never going to be easy but you captured it very well. You also have such a way of describing things. I could feel the love that the narrator had for his wife, like it is such a palpable feeling in this story, it’s incredible. I think perhaps taking away some of the repetition of thoughts may help to keep pushing the plot forward but also I understand how tricky that may be as the repetitive thoughts are a hallmark of dementia. Over all though this story was beautiful.
Dear Malachi,
Wow. Just wow. This is the saddest story I have ever read. I am really in a loss for words other than wow. I give you props for tackling such a harsh reality of humanity, and being able to explore it and portray it as well as you did. The confusion of this poor old man showed through so well and I really could not think of a better beginning ending or middle. All of the lines were so powerful and drove me forward when reading. I was a bit confused at first but I really began to get what was going on on page 3 and I love year hints and lead up to that. The description and layout of this poor mans thought process was immaculate. You were really able to characterize Mary and Adeline as well even through a senile narrator which is very impressive. Like I said all of the lines were powerful but there were a few where my jaw actually dropped and the end brought me to tears. I think this was executed beautifully. The description really works well also, him getting lost and trapped in his own house to then be brought out of it by the sight of the flowers and thinking Adeline planted them. All of it was so good. I feel so bad for Mary and juts wow what a sad sad truth. Not to mention I also love your title, it is truly fitting.
Dear Rachel,
I really love how much this story ties into your last, obviously on purpose with the same characters. Your description is really working well in this which was the same as your last work also I believe. I wrote down the line “…she offers me a smile that doesn’t quite reach her eyes, only serving too move the mole on her cheek”(page5). This tells so much with just one sentence, that the smile could be fake or that the feelings between the characters are just not that strong, just forced to interact because they are family. I feel like this feeling is very relatable and that line just stuck out to me, made me reread it because I just loved how poetically appropriate it was in the moment. You have a lot of great detail and description like this throughout the whole work and that is really working well for you here. Another example that stuck out from the first page being the mention of discount laundry detergent which is a perfect insertion of this, showing they a have enough money to get by but they are just barely getting by in their current life situation. Your writing has been very poetic between your two works and I really enjoy your writing style being so established, really great job on this!
Dear Malachi,
Great story with great conflict! I liked how centered everything was, and even though we can garner through context clues that our main characters mind is slipping it doesn’t take away from the actual reveal at all. Though this story is sad, it doesn’t make me feel very sad at all (in a good way!). Our main character was able to plant a tribute to his wife that will continue to grow long after he is gone, and they have a daughter to carry on their memory. I think the only thing I struggled with was that it took me a bit longer than it should have to realize our main character talks with a stutter, I think just associate stuttering in text with a dashes instead of commas, so it was just my biases at play. Very bittersweet, great job!
Dear Rachel,
I like how you weren’t afraid to take the plunge into writing for a morally gray character. Not every protagonist will be a feel good hero, and I like seeing that in this story. I do think this story would benefit a lot from some background however. There were a few moments where I was struggling to figure out what time period we were in (I think it was really just the one part where it says carriage that threw me off). I also struggled a bit with the character relationships – if the father is gambling away all of the money Lovette is struggling to earn, why is she so friendly with him? After seeing her sister throw her life away working for Linus, why is our main character so eager to follow in her footsteps? Just some things I think I would be interested to know while reading the story. Good work!
Dear Rachel,
This is the story of a girl who turns from a caterpillar to a moth instead of a butterfly. Ethel is an observant and cunning girl, but she’s a victim of jealousy and unhealthy relationships with nearly every other character in the story. I love the things you choose to show versus tell the reader. For example, despite the conflict and favoritism separating the sisters, they clearly care for each other, bantering and giving gifts. Interestingly, in some ways, one could assume that Lovette or Tabitha would be jealous of Ethel, who gets to leave the house with her higher-class mother and who has a level of security they never will, but Ethel clearly simply desires the attention and loyalty Lovette gets unconditionally and all the time. I also love the juxtaposition between the two sides of Ethel’s life, the white house and white dress she wears with her mother, where she remembers Dillon’s love in her life versus the darkness haunting the home she shares with Tabitha and Lovette which is haunted by blood money and memories of younger, potentially happier days. Finally, I find it hilarious that everyone can tell how awful Linus is even when he’s successfully charming.
The biggest issue I have with this piece is that it’s hard to follow on a first read-through. There’s so many inner thoughts and it feels like I’m taking in new information with every word. The switch between the first part of the story at Ethel’s dad’s house and her mom’s house means we have to absorb twice as much information and Ethel’s observations/thoughts on them. I honestly don’t see this as a bad thing, but it is something first-time readers could get tripped up on; so much information.
Dear Malachi,
This story is from the perspective of someone who has some form of long-term memory loss. I really like that the throughline of this story is calendar dates, allowing the reader to follow the progression of the narrator losing his memories in the gaps of time. It was fun trying to piece together what was real and what was past memories or dreams or hallucinations, as well as trying to determine what the narrator does and doesn’t remember. Like his daughter’s relationships or the places they’ve gone and topics they’ve discussed. I love that Adeline s a constant for the narrator, he’s always mentally in a time and place where she’s still alive and they’re in love. It’s likely that the memory of her is the reason the garden is still watered every day, and the house is like a touchstone for his memories of her. I wondered if Adeline was still alive the whole time, but since the daughter never saw her it seemed more likely that she was gone.
I’m unfamiliar with this kind of story. It’s something new I never considered and is very well done. However, that means I don’t have a lot of criticism for it. The best I have is commenting on some formatting errors, such as spacing between paragraphs, but especially the repetitive language. I enjoyed that the narrator stuttered and it still fit in the story, but there were times outside of the stuttering where repetitive language took me out of the story. Still, very well done.
Rachel,
I loved the complex relationships between the characters in your story! Lovette and her sisters are in a precarious position that makes it hard to foster a stable relationship. The relationship between Linus and Evelyn was also intriguing, though the character of Linus itself was very grabbing to me. The way you characterize your characters is really well done. The descriptions of the step-mother were particularly resonant to me, particularly the sections on how she is dressed, the way she lies, and the way the narrator thinks of her. I know this is a continuation of the previous story we read and I thought that really added to my experience of reading it, though I found myself wondering if this story could stand alone without the knowledge of the other. I also found myself being pulled out of the story because of my confusion with time period. Why is there a carriage but people walking on the street with smartphones? Then they get in the car; Is the car the same as the carriage? I think more clarity on year or some more anchoring details can set us up in a more solid temporal space.
Malachi,
This story is so profound yet so tragic. I loved the dialogue in this story. It does a lot of the heavy lifting in terms of showing the main character’s struggle to maintain his mind as well as his difficulties with speech. The interactions between the father and daughters are heartbreaking but also so heartwarming. Showing how the daughters are doing their best to contribute to their father’s life and keep him grounded in his life while it’s slipping from him was really well done. I loved the floral descriptions and the colors. The images were really vivid to me. As for a suggestion, I found myself a bit confused about what was going on at times. Particularly when the narrator thought he was trapped somewhere. Was he just in his house but couldn’t recognize it? I think this works as is, I just felt a little lost. I wanted a little more at the end, it felt a little abrupt. There’s also an argument to be made that this works for the overall feel of the story, so I think you could also keep it as is!
Malachi, this story was really good. You captured such a beautiful, and sad, chain of events in our narrators life. We lived through him, and lost everything through him as well. With a situation as tough as Alzheimers you really nailed the description and the fear that is seen in someone with the disease. I really loved how you portrayed the daughter, she was going through the situation in a different light than her father, but was still struggling and you showed that through her interactions with our narrator. The description, dialogue and confusion were done so well with this character. Giving us so much to imagine about him now, and about his life in the past. Overall it was done really well was emotionally and artistically captivating.
Rachel, I liked this story. It seems like a continuation of the story that we read from you last class, and gave us a different glimpse at these characters. Your writing is very well done, very descriptive and puts us right into the midst of the scenes with the characters. And your characters seem very well rounded. As you showed a situation from your previous story, something we missed earlier but still had some sort of inkling about but from another perspective was really cool. It gave us a chance to look into another character, and how everything went down when Lovette left. Your way of describing and showing characters who aren’t always the best people, or make the best decisions is such a good move and makes it very compelling to read about this story.