Dear Lizzie,
I would say that this is the story of a princess wanting to experience the life of a normal citizen who ends up meeting someone of interest who also holds a secret of great power. I loved the parallel of what Len says to Ezilia at the end being basically the same compliment that Ezilia gave Len earlier in the story, the comment about wanting to see how the rest of the day goes with the pretty girl she met at the market. I really like how well thought out the Ezilia character is, the fact that she is a dragon really makes more sense to us in the end. It explains why she was so upset about the use of live dragon scales at the vendor in the market earlier that day, having a personal connection to the situation. I think the relationship that you built between these two is quite genuine and sweet which neither of them seem to get often since they both have such secrets they are keeping. I really like that they are able to bond through that and they are very accepting of one another. I also enjoy that you have built this world with mythical aspects to it that we obviously don’t encounter here but it is not something that is hard to track and it adds an extra layer to your story. I was just wondering about the different names of the princess, since she even introduces herself as Quincy to the girl she meets. I took this as that is just her “undercover” name and her actual name is Len and she is doing this so no one recognizes that she is the princess. I was also wondering about Roderigo’s character, I assume that he is like a body guard for the princess who is also going undercover with her. I think that she is doing this so that she can feel normal, like have a day in the normal life of an average citizen but I could be wrong so that was just another thing I was wondering about. Overall great job with this!
Dear Sophie,
I really like that you chose to explore this topic in analyzing humans. I would say this is the story of a girl’s struggle with scoliosis throughout her adolescence. The descriptions in this are phenomenal first off. Two examples, both from page seven, that really stuck for me were: “…her nerves were firing in pulsating zaps of stinging electricity that inched like a wasp infection beneath her skin.” And “…the red indents still under her ribs from where her monster usually dug its teeth in.” The description really works throughout the whole thing but those really resonated for me. Another thing that you depicted really well was the stages of childhood that you depicted. The actions and thought processes of Nessie throughout the story really lined up with her age. Like the things she thought and did at age 8 really reflected the mental state of a girl that age, the same goes for all of the ages you chose to highlight in your story. A lot of the thoughts when Nessie was 18, at the end of the story, were really relatable like I read about how she thought that her parents were invincible and now to see her mom recovering an in such bad conditions was heartbreaking and I remember thinking the same thing after my moms first few surgeries. You just did a really great job at depicting this medical condition with great descriptions and relatable adolescent stages. I was wondering about Nessie’s friend that was with her at the dance, not Brad, but her friend that pulled her on the dance floor. What did she do when she noticed Nessie was gone? Did she ever text or ask Nessie what happened? Did She maybe run out after her but Nessie drove off too fast to notice? I think since this is the only scene with the incorporation of her having friends that it either could maybe be expanded more or maybe her friend could appear in other scenes as well? Overall this is really great and it really kept my attention the whole time.
Dear Lizzie,
I loved your short story of a woman disguising her real identity to have a chance at freedom. I really like how you included vivid depictions of the city and shopping styles, as it made the setting feel incredibly tangible, like I could smell the candied nuts or touch the ring at the vendor’s stall. I wonder how this story fits into literary fiction, primarily due to the fantasy elements, though the themes, at least in my opinion, feel very human— exploring identity, destiny and adaptation, et cetera. A part of me wonders what happens with Roderigo following the split-up, primarily because he’s supposed to protect Len and would probably feel a lot of guilt about the danger she ended up in. I hope this feedback is helpful, can’t wait to read more!
-Rachel
Lizzie, this story was really good. I really liked how you gave us a glimpse into the life of this princess, a her journey. I liked over we got right into the middle of her story, but I didn’t feel like there was something missing from what has happened previously in the story. You set us up so nicely to understand what was happening within the story and what our narrator was doing. I also really liked the relationship, and character, of Ezilia and our narrator. I thought that her character was such a nice touch to the story, and showed more of an emotional side of our narrator. I think that having the correlation between Ezilia being upset about the dragon scales, and actually being a dragon herself was really well done. I think that if we got just a touch more background about why each of the characters are undercover and what they are doing in the market would be helpful. Like what is Ezilia looking for? What is she doing? I also think that there should’ve been just a little bit more of our narrator hiding, she seemed to be very out in the open and interacting with those in the area, and making it clear if she is escaping from something or actually going on a coming of age journey would help clear up what she is going through.
Sophie, I really liked this story. You showed so much about the growth of someone with a chronic condition. You gave us such good detail and understanding of the narrator and what she was going through during her life. You did such a good job showing how much our narrator went through, and how much this condition has effected her life. I also loved how you showed the narrators mother went through the same situation she did, and how her mother held her to a better standard to take care of herself. You showed only snippets of this characters life, and yet I could vision and understand the rest of her life through those small moments. I think the times of her life that you picked were really important and really showed the growth of the character and her feelings with this condition. I think that if you added more about the friends, or lack of, in her life. I think having that connection within her life would be really important to highlight, and would show the struggle of her life. Whether it be not having any friends, or hiding something from her friends would add more to the stress of this characters life.
Lizzie,
To me this seemed to be the story of a princess, unwise in the ways of the word seeking to broaden her understanding of the land her family rules over. Through this she meets an unexpected friend who shows her more adventure than initially hoped for. To start, the intro scene of Len peering out into town I thought was a cool visual, left an intrigue that spanned throughout the first few pages before the revelation of the narrator’s royalty. I found the foreshadowing of dragons to be a very nice touch, circling back to the color blue with the very same character. When it comes to the tension in the story, I found the chase scene to be a tad abrupt. The characters’ dialogue was interesting while they were trapped in the building, but I felt that the chase did not necessarily feel that intense to read. I could see though that the argument could be made that the scene was made intentionally short to reflect the pace of the situation. I also feel that leaving the revelation of the narrator’s royalty to the scene where they are trapped would have been an interesting reveal to the reader and Ezilia. It would add a tad more intrigue throughout the work. At first, in the beginning, I thought that maybe Len and Rodrigo were bandits or thieves. This would have given them very similar reasons to want to stay hidden or unseen, thus leaving the reveal of royalty to be a fascinating turn of events. As for the ending, I found it to be quite wholesome. It felt sweet that the initial wariness and desire to stay by each other’s side until they got to a safer place was quite a heartwarming end that I felt wrapped the short story up nicely. I did find myself wanting more from the universe and story as this seems to want to fit in with a larger story, but in all I found this quite a nice read.
Sophie,
This seems to be a story about a girl who struggles with a genetic deformity that impedes her life in more ways than one. First off, the word choice for this story is outstanding. You added a lot of vibrancy to the writing in the choice of words and really made the themes seem alive. You had the narrator refer to her brace as a monster several times and played with that analogy in several aspects such as its bite. This I found to be quite effective. A particular choice of descriptions I found to be totally righteous was the “vision in crimson.” That visual element is a very powerful one as I felt it needed to be with such an important night for our narrator. I quite enjoyed the powerful language that was associated with the tense or major moments in the narrator’s life/ thought process. Leaning into overall structure, that I felt was well put. This could be due to my general lack of understanding or familiarity with issues surrounding scoliosis, but I found myself a tad lost at the beginning when discussing the narrator’s condition. The narration was descriptive but I was having trouble putting together what this brace was and what it was for until much later. I enjoyed how you wrote the relationship and the complicated emotions with the mother and her operation in the end. I think if that was expanded on a bit more, to give us a little more of that, would give the story a nice finality and closure on their relationship. I see that it was supposed to show that the mother was dealing with the same/ similar issues the whole time and the narrator did have someone else who understands. Otherwise, I felt that the little slices of life throughout the piece were a nice touch and really gave me insight into the narrator and their current view on the leading issue. Overall well, done.
Dear Sophie,
I loved your story of a girl growing up with a chronic illness and through it finding not only people who would always care for and support her but also that those people were beside her all along. This was very well-crafted. There’s so much I like about this piece, but I’ll just talk about a few of them. First, the parts about Ness wanting to fit in and make sure no one knew about her brace, but more that she wanted to tighten it to the point that it would simply meld into her body and go away. Second, I liked when the story would switch to her mother’s perspective. They share the same disability, they will always be connected, but you acknowledged her physical pain as well as her guilt and desire to shoulder more pain so her daughter could be free. Finally, the scene of Ness swimming at the beach was so peaceful compared to her other experiences. Explaining how she felt freer when she swims, even saying she becomes her true form under the water, escaping judgment from everyone. This aspect was really what made the title make sense, as well as calling the brace a monster.
The ending was incredible and made me tear up. I do think, however, that the paragraph about her mother on page 12, where she never played on the floor or how she needed Advil and ice every night, could’ve been earlier in the story. I would’ve liked to have a little more context about what the mother was suffering through throughout the story. As I say this though, the scene at the beach on page 7 was good in that respect. Showing a bit of the pain Kara was in, since this is technically Ness’s story. Amazing job overall.
Sophie,
I really enjoyed this story! I think you perfectly captured Ness’s struggles with a life-long ailment she has to deal with. I think my favorite part of this is the relationship between Ness and her mother. When Ness was younger she thought her mother was invincible, only for her to learn as she aged that her mother dealt with so much pain and agony on a day-to-day basis. I also really love the way you describe everything, The descriptions were so rich I could see everything perfectly in my mind. That being said, some of the descriptions seemed a bit frivolous. I kind of felt myself being taken out of the story by how extremely specific things were described. That being said though, the rest of the story did not feel bogged down by anything.
Lizzie,
I thoroughly enjoyed this story. I am a big fan of fantasy so this was right up my alley. This was a story about a princess trying to experience as much of the world as she can and along the way she finds a potential love. I really loved how innocent the attraction between Len and Ezilia is. Often times queer portrayals tend to be over-sexualized but this was beautiful. I also really liked the relationship between Len and Roderigo. I wish we could have seen more, maybe make him like an older brother/father figure for Len. My only question is why didn’t Roderigo stay by Len’s side the whole time? It seems a bit out of character that he would let her run free in the town while he was so paranoid before entering the village.
Dear Lizzie,
This was a fun story to read! Despite not being set in our time/world, I was able to keep up with it pretty easily. I didn’t find myself struggling at all with new concepts that were introduced, and I think you used our preconceived notions of fantasy to your advantage to help you build the setting without relying on exposition. There’s only one part that I wish had a little more, and it’s when Len is talking with Ezilia about the dragon scales. I think it would have been a great place to introduce the idea of dragons hiding among humans, maybe something Len had heard in passing from her little brother Kay. That way, it would have planted the seed in our heads to create the through line for when Ezilia transforms. Great stuff!
Dear Sophie,
This was a great story, I loved how it followed our main character throughout childhood as it adds a lot more depth to the story instead of it just being the day of her mothers surgery. I think the relationship between Kara and Nessie is really well written and Nessies fear of seeing her mother after surgery was I thought really well written as well. Mothers, especially mothers who deal with chronic pain, are definitely seen as invincible in the eyes of their children so it was nice to see Kara being the strong mom as well as being vulnerable. There weren’t any segments that felt too long, nor were there any that I thought should have been around longer, overall just a really great story!
Liz: I really liked your story, I had a great time reading it, and overall it was very solid. You have a way with worldbuilding where you make places feel alive and lived in with just a few words or sentences and I find it incredible. You describing the town, with the women gossiping and children running around begging for candy from shops really gave me a solid vibe for what this town was like right out of the gate which I find truly impressive. one thing that I think might benefit your short story is Maybe a bit more foreshadowing or hints towards Ezilia being a dragon could work, like maybe her tugging at her sleeves to make sure her arms are covered or something. My only other note really for this story is that it can feel a little bit repetitive at points, specifically during the early dialogues between Ren and Ezilia there are just a few times where they repeat information while they are talking, and it just comes across as a little stilted and awkward, but truly other than that I loved this story and you did a fantastic job!
Sophie: this story was really well done, The comparisons you made with the brace all throughout the story were incredible and painted a very visceral and real picture in my head, i felt like I couldn’t breath during parts of this story, on top of that your character work was really well done, in each of the different age sections the thoughts and words of our main character really felt in line with what I would imagine for someone of that age. My only real note on the story has to be its length. It is quite long for the format that we are working with, but I don’t really know what I would change or maybe remove to make the story shorter, and overall I think it works very well, and if 16 pages is needed to tell this story then that works for me. Amazing job
Sophie: This story is about a girl struggling with chronic illness and finding her way through life. The story is very touching and full of emotion. I love how the narrator describes her brace like its a monster. This story shows a lot of character growth which made it hard not to root for Ness. I also think it was a smart move to get several points of view of narration in the story. It gives the readers different perspectives of Ness and situations. With the several perspectives we are able to see the similarities between Ness and her mother with their genetic struggles. A suggestion I have is to give more about Ness and her mothers relationship. I feel them bonding more over their struggles would make the story have more closure. I overall Loved this story it was so touching.
Lizzie: This story is about a princess longing for adventure and seeing the world and find love. I thought this was a really cool story, we haven’t had a fantasy story so. I enjoyed the dialogue it was well done as well as description of characters and scenery. I was a bit confused following with certain scenes. I had a hard time reading the characters attitude at times so maybe try and make certain behaviors more obvious in dialogue or description. I also feel there could be more closure at the end with what happens next. Overall good job this story was very creative and a new perspective to fantasy.
Sophie,
I really loved the introduction of your story it felt all too familiar as I resonate with your main character- living with a physical illness is very difficult and you captured it perfectly. You did a wonderful job with your descriptors as I felt I could see your characters in my mind as well as hear them and most importantly understand them. I love your use of the words confines because with physical or mental illness, you often feel there is a barrier and the fact that you chose a physical one, her brace, tells your audience you’ve mastered the art of symbolism. You’ve also seamlessly woven together your time skips, and you’ve shown the audience how different she feels rather than directly telling us. I really love this story because I can see my younger self in it, too. It hurts to be the butt of a joke just because you have an ailment you can’t control, I’m diabetic and when I was a kid I would purposefully leave my insulin pump at home so kids wouldn’t ask questions about it. I love Kara, too. I remember when I was little having low blood sugars in the middle of the night and feeling guilty asking my parents to get me food, you’ve really captured what it’s like I can’t be more genuine about that.
Lizzie,
Just like your last story, I found myself loving your world building and descriptors. The subtle not so subtle background of each character proves flavorful. I love the action, and the way you write your sentences really make the story flow. The descriptions of the scales and the way she turns into a dragon was really cool, and you utilized foreshadowing, too. I love that you added how her younger brother loved dragons, too. Your fantasy aspects are always compelling and draw the reader in, too. Great job, overall!
Lizzie: I believe your story is the story of an unexpected connection. I enjoyed the detail that you provided as it felt a picture was painted in terms of setting and each characters actions. Also, the dialogue reflected the characters well also. I could get a sense of their personality through it. Len was humoruous and sarcastic while also determined. I’m really curious to know why these men are after her while in town. Is she not allowed to leave her home? Where is her home, and where is this town? I think knowing these details will dial up the tension that seems to be a foundation to the story. I’m also still thinking about the end of the piece and what happens after they return. The current ending felt a bit rushed in the sense it went from an intense moment to a happy and calm ending really quickly (especially regarding Lens reaction to the girl being a dragon). Can we learn why the girl was able to turn to a dragon? Do they make it back to town? I think adding the suggested details will really develop the world you’re trying to place reader in while wrapping the story up with a bow.
Sophie: I believe your story is the story of identity and living with the sometimes harsh reality of a condition. The way you wrote this was captivating and everything felt like it was intentional put there. There were clear themes throughout with repeated language or, for example, the title being connected with the habits of the narrator. It also reminded me of the mythical Loch Ness Monster. Obviously, another intentional move. In terms of structure, I thought the snapshot images of different years was a smooth way to transition a vast amount of time. It also looked visually appealing. One suggestion I would make is to move the names of the mother and dog further up in the story. They’re given names on page four but I was curious to know when they were first mentioned because of their importance to the narrator. Also, I was wondering about her dad and more about their relationship. It seems there is some tension between them as she grows older, especially when her mother gets surgery. Do they talk about Ness not visiting her Mom earlier?
Dear Lizzie,
I would describe this story as a story of adventure, and finding safety in others secrets. I really enjoyed the progression of this story, particularly, how subtle hints were dropped, leading up to the reveal of Ezilia’s true identity. The reveal surprised me, as I hadn’t been able to predict it, which was entertaining to experience, but I also was able to look back and realize the significance of clues I had missed. I thought that the foreshadowing was really well done. There wasn’t a dull moment in this story, which I also thoroughly enjoyed. You did an excellent job capturing a fantasy world within the small space/limits of a short story without trying to introduce too much or leaving out to little about this world and its intricate details. My one suggestion, would be to add to the stakes/tension by indicating perhaps a bit more explicitly why the men were chasing the man character, and what their intention was if they were to catch her. Great work!
13 thoughts on “JOURNAL # 23”
Dear Lizzie,
I would say that this is the story of a princess wanting to experience the life of a normal citizen who ends up meeting someone of interest who also holds a secret of great power. I loved the parallel of what Len says to Ezilia at the end being basically the same compliment that Ezilia gave Len earlier in the story, the comment about wanting to see how the rest of the day goes with the pretty girl she met at the market. I really like how well thought out the Ezilia character is, the fact that she is a dragon really makes more sense to us in the end. It explains why she was so upset about the use of live dragon scales at the vendor in the market earlier that day, having a personal connection to the situation. I think the relationship that you built between these two is quite genuine and sweet which neither of them seem to get often since they both have such secrets they are keeping. I really like that they are able to bond through that and they are very accepting of one another. I also enjoy that you have built this world with mythical aspects to it that we obviously don’t encounter here but it is not something that is hard to track and it adds an extra layer to your story. I was just wondering about the different names of the princess, since she even introduces herself as Quincy to the girl she meets. I took this as that is just her “undercover” name and her actual name is Len and she is doing this so no one recognizes that she is the princess. I was also wondering about Roderigo’s character, I assume that he is like a body guard for the princess who is also going undercover with her. I think that she is doing this so that she can feel normal, like have a day in the normal life of an average citizen but I could be wrong so that was just another thing I was wondering about. Overall great job with this!
Dear Sophie,
I really like that you chose to explore this topic in analyzing humans. I would say this is the story of a girl’s struggle with scoliosis throughout her adolescence. The descriptions in this are phenomenal first off. Two examples, both from page seven, that really stuck for me were: “…her nerves were firing in pulsating zaps of stinging electricity that inched like a wasp infection beneath her skin.” And “…the red indents still under her ribs from where her monster usually dug its teeth in.” The description really works throughout the whole thing but those really resonated for me. Another thing that you depicted really well was the stages of childhood that you depicted. The actions and thought processes of Nessie throughout the story really lined up with her age. Like the things she thought and did at age 8 really reflected the mental state of a girl that age, the same goes for all of the ages you chose to highlight in your story. A lot of the thoughts when Nessie was 18, at the end of the story, were really relatable like I read about how she thought that her parents were invincible and now to see her mom recovering an in such bad conditions was heartbreaking and I remember thinking the same thing after my moms first few surgeries. You just did a really great job at depicting this medical condition with great descriptions and relatable adolescent stages. I was wondering about Nessie’s friend that was with her at the dance, not Brad, but her friend that pulled her on the dance floor. What did she do when she noticed Nessie was gone? Did she ever text or ask Nessie what happened? Did She maybe run out after her but Nessie drove off too fast to notice? I think since this is the only scene with the incorporation of her having friends that it either could maybe be expanded more or maybe her friend could appear in other scenes as well? Overall this is really great and it really kept my attention the whole time.
Dear Lizzie,
I loved your short story of a woman disguising her real identity to have a chance at freedom. I really like how you included vivid depictions of the city and shopping styles, as it made the setting feel incredibly tangible, like I could smell the candied nuts or touch the ring at the vendor’s stall. I wonder how this story fits into literary fiction, primarily due to the fantasy elements, though the themes, at least in my opinion, feel very human— exploring identity, destiny and adaptation, et cetera. A part of me wonders what happens with Roderigo following the split-up, primarily because he’s supposed to protect Len and would probably feel a lot of guilt about the danger she ended up in. I hope this feedback is helpful, can’t wait to read more!
-Rachel
Lizzie, this story was really good. I really liked how you gave us a glimpse into the life of this princess, a her journey. I liked over we got right into the middle of her story, but I didn’t feel like there was something missing from what has happened previously in the story. You set us up so nicely to understand what was happening within the story and what our narrator was doing. I also really liked the relationship, and character, of Ezilia and our narrator. I thought that her character was such a nice touch to the story, and showed more of an emotional side of our narrator. I think that having the correlation between Ezilia being upset about the dragon scales, and actually being a dragon herself was really well done. I think that if we got just a touch more background about why each of the characters are undercover and what they are doing in the market would be helpful. Like what is Ezilia looking for? What is she doing? I also think that there should’ve been just a little bit more of our narrator hiding, she seemed to be very out in the open and interacting with those in the area, and making it clear if she is escaping from something or actually going on a coming of age journey would help clear up what she is going through.
Sophie, I really liked this story. You showed so much about the growth of someone with a chronic condition. You gave us such good detail and understanding of the narrator and what she was going through during her life. You did such a good job showing how much our narrator went through, and how much this condition has effected her life. I also loved how you showed the narrators mother went through the same situation she did, and how her mother held her to a better standard to take care of herself. You showed only snippets of this characters life, and yet I could vision and understand the rest of her life through those small moments. I think the times of her life that you picked were really important and really showed the growth of the character and her feelings with this condition. I think that if you added more about the friends, or lack of, in her life. I think having that connection within her life would be really important to highlight, and would show the struggle of her life. Whether it be not having any friends, or hiding something from her friends would add more to the stress of this characters life.
Lizzie,
To me this seemed to be the story of a princess, unwise in the ways of the word seeking to broaden her understanding of the land her family rules over. Through this she meets an unexpected friend who shows her more adventure than initially hoped for. To start, the intro scene of Len peering out into town I thought was a cool visual, left an intrigue that spanned throughout the first few pages before the revelation of the narrator’s royalty. I found the foreshadowing of dragons to be a very nice touch, circling back to the color blue with the very same character. When it comes to the tension in the story, I found the chase scene to be a tad abrupt. The characters’ dialogue was interesting while they were trapped in the building, but I felt that the chase did not necessarily feel that intense to read. I could see though that the argument could be made that the scene was made intentionally short to reflect the pace of the situation. I also feel that leaving the revelation of the narrator’s royalty to the scene where they are trapped would have been an interesting reveal to the reader and Ezilia. It would add a tad more intrigue throughout the work. At first, in the beginning, I thought that maybe Len and Rodrigo were bandits or thieves. This would have given them very similar reasons to want to stay hidden or unseen, thus leaving the reveal of royalty to be a fascinating turn of events. As for the ending, I found it to be quite wholesome. It felt sweet that the initial wariness and desire to stay by each other’s side until they got to a safer place was quite a heartwarming end that I felt wrapped the short story up nicely. I did find myself wanting more from the universe and story as this seems to want to fit in with a larger story, but in all I found this quite a nice read.
Sophie,
This seems to be a story about a girl who struggles with a genetic deformity that impedes her life in more ways than one. First off, the word choice for this story is outstanding. You added a lot of vibrancy to the writing in the choice of words and really made the themes seem alive. You had the narrator refer to her brace as a monster several times and played with that analogy in several aspects such as its bite. This I found to be quite effective. A particular choice of descriptions I found to be totally righteous was the “vision in crimson.” That visual element is a very powerful one as I felt it needed to be with such an important night for our narrator. I quite enjoyed the powerful language that was associated with the tense or major moments in the narrator’s life/ thought process. Leaning into overall structure, that I felt was well put. This could be due to my general lack of understanding or familiarity with issues surrounding scoliosis, but I found myself a tad lost at the beginning when discussing the narrator’s condition. The narration was descriptive but I was having trouble putting together what this brace was and what it was for until much later. I enjoyed how you wrote the relationship and the complicated emotions with the mother and her operation in the end. I think if that was expanded on a bit more, to give us a little more of that, would give the story a nice finality and closure on their relationship. I see that it was supposed to show that the mother was dealing with the same/ similar issues the whole time and the narrator did have someone else who understands. Otherwise, I felt that the little slices of life throughout the piece were a nice touch and really gave me insight into the narrator and their current view on the leading issue. Overall well, done.
Dear Sophie,
I loved your story of a girl growing up with a chronic illness and through it finding not only people who would always care for and support her but also that those people were beside her all along. This was very well-crafted. There’s so much I like about this piece, but I’ll just talk about a few of them. First, the parts about Ness wanting to fit in and make sure no one knew about her brace, but more that she wanted to tighten it to the point that it would simply meld into her body and go away. Second, I liked when the story would switch to her mother’s perspective. They share the same disability, they will always be connected, but you acknowledged her physical pain as well as her guilt and desire to shoulder more pain so her daughter could be free. Finally, the scene of Ness swimming at the beach was so peaceful compared to her other experiences. Explaining how she felt freer when she swims, even saying she becomes her true form under the water, escaping judgment from everyone. This aspect was really what made the title make sense, as well as calling the brace a monster.
The ending was incredible and made me tear up. I do think, however, that the paragraph about her mother on page 12, where she never played on the floor or how she needed Advil and ice every night, could’ve been earlier in the story. I would’ve liked to have a little more context about what the mother was suffering through throughout the story. As I say this though, the scene at the beach on page 7 was good in that respect. Showing a bit of the pain Kara was in, since this is technically Ness’s story. Amazing job overall.
Sophie,
I really enjoyed this story! I think you perfectly captured Ness’s struggles with a life-long ailment she has to deal with. I think my favorite part of this is the relationship between Ness and her mother. When Ness was younger she thought her mother was invincible, only for her to learn as she aged that her mother dealt with so much pain and agony on a day-to-day basis. I also really love the way you describe everything, The descriptions were so rich I could see everything perfectly in my mind. That being said, some of the descriptions seemed a bit frivolous. I kind of felt myself being taken out of the story by how extremely specific things were described. That being said though, the rest of the story did not feel bogged down by anything.
Lizzie,
I thoroughly enjoyed this story. I am a big fan of fantasy so this was right up my alley. This was a story about a princess trying to experience as much of the world as she can and along the way she finds a potential love. I really loved how innocent the attraction between Len and Ezilia is. Often times queer portrayals tend to be over-sexualized but this was beautiful. I also really liked the relationship between Len and Roderigo. I wish we could have seen more, maybe make him like an older brother/father figure for Len. My only question is why didn’t Roderigo stay by Len’s side the whole time? It seems a bit out of character that he would let her run free in the town while he was so paranoid before entering the village.
Dear Lizzie,
This was a fun story to read! Despite not being set in our time/world, I was able to keep up with it pretty easily. I didn’t find myself struggling at all with new concepts that were introduced, and I think you used our preconceived notions of fantasy to your advantage to help you build the setting without relying on exposition. There’s only one part that I wish had a little more, and it’s when Len is talking with Ezilia about the dragon scales. I think it would have been a great place to introduce the idea of dragons hiding among humans, maybe something Len had heard in passing from her little brother Kay. That way, it would have planted the seed in our heads to create the through line for when Ezilia transforms. Great stuff!
Dear Sophie,
This was a great story, I loved how it followed our main character throughout childhood as it adds a lot more depth to the story instead of it just being the day of her mothers surgery. I think the relationship between Kara and Nessie is really well written and Nessies fear of seeing her mother after surgery was I thought really well written as well. Mothers, especially mothers who deal with chronic pain, are definitely seen as invincible in the eyes of their children so it was nice to see Kara being the strong mom as well as being vulnerable. There weren’t any segments that felt too long, nor were there any that I thought should have been around longer, overall just a really great story!
Liz: I really liked your story, I had a great time reading it, and overall it was very solid. You have a way with worldbuilding where you make places feel alive and lived in with just a few words or sentences and I find it incredible. You describing the town, with the women gossiping and children running around begging for candy from shops really gave me a solid vibe for what this town was like right out of the gate which I find truly impressive. one thing that I think might benefit your short story is Maybe a bit more foreshadowing or hints towards Ezilia being a dragon could work, like maybe her tugging at her sleeves to make sure her arms are covered or something. My only other note really for this story is that it can feel a little bit repetitive at points, specifically during the early dialogues between Ren and Ezilia there are just a few times where they repeat information while they are talking, and it just comes across as a little stilted and awkward, but truly other than that I loved this story and you did a fantastic job!
Sophie: this story was really well done, The comparisons you made with the brace all throughout the story were incredible and painted a very visceral and real picture in my head, i felt like I couldn’t breath during parts of this story, on top of that your character work was really well done, in each of the different age sections the thoughts and words of our main character really felt in line with what I would imagine for someone of that age. My only real note on the story has to be its length. It is quite long for the format that we are working with, but I don’t really know what I would change or maybe remove to make the story shorter, and overall I think it works very well, and if 16 pages is needed to tell this story then that works for me. Amazing job
Sophie: This story is about a girl struggling with chronic illness and finding her way through life. The story is very touching and full of emotion. I love how the narrator describes her brace like its a monster. This story shows a lot of character growth which made it hard not to root for Ness. I also think it was a smart move to get several points of view of narration in the story. It gives the readers different perspectives of Ness and situations. With the several perspectives we are able to see the similarities between Ness and her mother with their genetic struggles. A suggestion I have is to give more about Ness and her mothers relationship. I feel them bonding more over their struggles would make the story have more closure. I overall Loved this story it was so touching.
Lizzie: This story is about a princess longing for adventure and seeing the world and find love. I thought this was a really cool story, we haven’t had a fantasy story so. I enjoyed the dialogue it was well done as well as description of characters and scenery. I was a bit confused following with certain scenes. I had a hard time reading the characters attitude at times so maybe try and make certain behaviors more obvious in dialogue or description. I also feel there could be more closure at the end with what happens next. Overall good job this story was very creative and a new perspective to fantasy.
Sophie,
I really loved the introduction of your story it felt all too familiar as I resonate with your main character- living with a physical illness is very difficult and you captured it perfectly. You did a wonderful job with your descriptors as I felt I could see your characters in my mind as well as hear them and most importantly understand them. I love your use of the words confines because with physical or mental illness, you often feel there is a barrier and the fact that you chose a physical one, her brace, tells your audience you’ve mastered the art of symbolism. You’ve also seamlessly woven together your time skips, and you’ve shown the audience how different she feels rather than directly telling us. I really love this story because I can see my younger self in it, too. It hurts to be the butt of a joke just because you have an ailment you can’t control, I’m diabetic and when I was a kid I would purposefully leave my insulin pump at home so kids wouldn’t ask questions about it. I love Kara, too. I remember when I was little having low blood sugars in the middle of the night and feeling guilty asking my parents to get me food, you’ve really captured what it’s like I can’t be more genuine about that.
Lizzie,
Just like your last story, I found myself loving your world building and descriptors. The subtle not so subtle background of each character proves flavorful. I love the action, and the way you write your sentences really make the story flow. The descriptions of the scales and the way she turns into a dragon was really cool, and you utilized foreshadowing, too. I love that you added how her younger brother loved dragons, too. Your fantasy aspects are always compelling and draw the reader in, too. Great job, overall!
Lizzie: I believe your story is the story of an unexpected connection. I enjoyed the detail that you provided as it felt a picture was painted in terms of setting and each characters actions. Also, the dialogue reflected the characters well also. I could get a sense of their personality through it. Len was humoruous and sarcastic while also determined. I’m really curious to know why these men are after her while in town. Is she not allowed to leave her home? Where is her home, and where is this town? I think knowing these details will dial up the tension that seems to be a foundation to the story. I’m also still thinking about the end of the piece and what happens after they return. The current ending felt a bit rushed in the sense it went from an intense moment to a happy and calm ending really quickly (especially regarding Lens reaction to the girl being a dragon). Can we learn why the girl was able to turn to a dragon? Do they make it back to town? I think adding the suggested details will really develop the world you’re trying to place reader in while wrapping the story up with a bow.
Sophie: I believe your story is the story of identity and living with the sometimes harsh reality of a condition. The way you wrote this was captivating and everything felt like it was intentional put there. There were clear themes throughout with repeated language or, for example, the title being connected with the habits of the narrator. It also reminded me of the mythical Loch Ness Monster. Obviously, another intentional move. In terms of structure, I thought the snapshot images of different years was a smooth way to transition a vast amount of time. It also looked visually appealing. One suggestion I would make is to move the names of the mother and dog further up in the story. They’re given names on page four but I was curious to know when they were first mentioned because of their importance to the narrator. Also, I was wondering about her dad and more about their relationship. It seems there is some tension between them as she grows older, especially when her mother gets surgery. Do they talk about Ness not visiting her Mom earlier?
Dear Lizzie,
I would describe this story as a story of adventure, and finding safety in others secrets. I really enjoyed the progression of this story, particularly, how subtle hints were dropped, leading up to the reveal of Ezilia’s true identity. The reveal surprised me, as I hadn’t been able to predict it, which was entertaining to experience, but I also was able to look back and realize the significance of clues I had missed. I thought that the foreshadowing was really well done. There wasn’t a dull moment in this story, which I also thoroughly enjoyed. You did an excellent job capturing a fantasy world within the small space/limits of a short story without trying to introduce too much or leaving out to little about this world and its intricate details. My one suggestion, would be to add to the stakes/tension by indicating perhaps a bit more explicitly why the men were chasing the man character, and what their intention was if they were to catch her. Great work!