Dear Brady,
Your piece was super interesting, and I love that you’re delving into what makes someone or something human, whether that’s choosing a name or protecting the people you care for. Watching a robot finding that personhood through the eyes of a kind and excitable scientist was a real treat to experience. I loved the little details about the characters, the little mumbles, the morally-gray area the scientists are in, the lights to show when Gen is thinking, it was such a nice detail.
There are aspects I think could be improved, though some of them are a bit nitpicky. First, your POV character seems to be Nora, however, she is referred to as the “new, strange woman” and then just “the woman” for 3/4 of the first page. Why? There doesn’t seem to be a point to hiding this information as we are looking at her experience.
Next, look again at what information the characters would trust each other with. Though Nora has just arrived, Dr. Eamon confides the basis of the conspiracy without thought or explanation. Why would he tell her a private theory? Maybe you could add this in more subtly, like Nora finding overhearing him mumble something but doesn’t totally give it away.
Next is the combat scenes, which, while impressive to imagine, don’t quite keep me hooked. They’re bunched up in big paragraphs and feel repetitive. The reader may need shorter paragraphs with slight breaks in between, like Nora looking at the other scientists for how they think of this. Are they captivated too, or is this just another day at the office for them as they tiredly make notes and talk quietly to each other?
Dear Rachel,
I love your character work. You can tell their individual and specific personalities despite there being three characters who reliably show up(the sisters), with another only being referenced until the end and still having such a strangely mixed presence(Victor). The fairy tale allusions are great, with the three sisters mimicking Cinderella or early Beauty and the Beast tales, the big bad wolf being this assassin, and the unreliability of the parents. The narration is good, especially the perspective preserving the mystery of Lovette’s job and life outside the house, but I especially liked when Nyssa spoke to Lovette in the narration as though she was still there, as though she could go back in time to accuse her. Throughout the whole story, I was waiting for Lovette to physically die, which seemed like great dramatic irony since Nyssa is diagnosed with some illness in the beginning, but it’s wonderful that the death wasn’t exactly physical. “Die” isn’t always death, sometimes it’s about loss instead and you wrote that so well.
The big criticism I have is that this feels more like a backstory than a narrative story and is almost blank in places, like how there aren’t a lot of details in the setting. The only details we get are related to the characters, which isn’t exactly bad, but I would be more invested in them if I knew the world they lived in. Is it a hopeless place? Does poison drag down the streets and trash pile up against their home? Does Adelinda do anything to help support them? What is their house like? Is it big or small, and how does it reflect the financial or familial situation they’re in?
Dear Brady,
I think you have a really interesting concept here with the story you’re building. It caught me as a surprise that it had to do with AI because it’s such a current topic that I feel isn’t vastly covered (or I haven’t read much with the subject matter). I’m curious to know more about your choice of opening up the story immediately within a dialogue scene. On one hand, I thought it dropped me right in the middle and forced my attention. On the other, it left some possibly necessary context out in terms of who the narrator is and why they’re related to this project/lab. I felt this a couple times throughout the story when different characters/scenes were introducted. One example of this was when the androids came in and then when Victoria did. I’m wondering, similar to my earlier comment, if those sections would benefit from a little more context. I know this may be a big ask in terms of how much space you have, but consider balancing some more background/description with the amount of dialogue you have (which is a good amount). However, I think this is a great start on where you’re headed!
Dear Rachel,
I was thoroughly engaged with your piece beginning to end. The description and life you breathed into your characters came off as both effortless and cleverly constructed. It felt like they were a friend I knew and I could sympathize with their situation. Your opening was curious and didn’t point to any “middle of the moment” but a key information point that played a role in the end. There were some moments I thought I’d like to know more, especially when it came to the background of the multiple mothers (simply who had what mom), the disease Nyssa had, and maybe slightly more about Dad. I thought it was wonderful you didn’t introduce characters simply saying here’s this person and here’s what they’re like. You tastefully scaffolded those details into the piece. The pacing was good yet there were some moments I thought could use an astrik in between pargraphs to represent time moving forward. Otherwise, I didn’t feel thrown for a loop in terms of where the story was headed. The ending caught me teary eyed at the idea of a metaphorical death of her sister, or a physical one. I think that may be the only question I have as there’s some ambiguity around that (or I’ve read incorrectly). Overall, such a captivating story!
Brady: I’m always a sucker for sci-fi, and this is no different. I think you did a really great job with the combat scenes and describing what’s happening while still keeping it snappy. I only wish there was more of it – I can’t speak for everyone, but one of my favorite parts of sci-fi with themes of AI and humanity is the bureaucracy of it all, I would have loved to learn more about Atlas and just what their intentions were for Genesis. What was the original purpose of Genesis? What state is the world in that it necessitates a super computer warrior? A lot of good questions here. I think one of my only critiques is that there are a few spelling errors here and there. Nice work!
Rachel: I love the word muddles. I think it shows a lot of character for just being one word and I can’t believe it’s something I’d never heard of until now. I love the theme of living with the ghosts of people, regardless of whether or not they’re still alive. I would have loved to see a little more with Adelinda. We see how Lovette’s descent affects our main character, but Adelinda remains on the sidelines. Granted, they are doing their best to keep Adelinda sheltered from all of this, but children are always more perceptive than you think, and I think the impact this is having on Adelinda would be interesting to see more of. Great story!
Rachel- Throughout this story I’ve found myself obsessed and in the shoes of this story. I love the amount of world building and thought behind it that has gone into the story as a whole. Early in the story I can already tell that you know what words to use and when like your wonderful use of the word “chagrin”. I love “we learned to joke darkly only two years after that day” because that rings true in real life, too. Your use of realism and the ability to not sugar code a story without it being cheesy is wonderful, too. I love the part when you write “I saw it for what it was: instability. Not wanting to remain in a house of cards, born of our father’s inability to stop loving a ghost” because it flows with the story and is such a great line. Your depth of character in 11 pages is a beautiful reflection on your ability to show character. You’ve managed to weave your words very well and the story flows nicely, too. I love the part where you say “Our eyes burned as I pictured the young man she’d introduced me to months ago, someone who had not done anything worth the shrapnel and fire that had torn him away from my sister” because it gives the story world building and gives her character. The line “small in a way she never used to be.” also sticks with the reader really well. You manage to write the timeline so well, too? I can tell the time is changing but it flows so well and evenly for a short story, never lingering on any point in their lives but maintaining an even flowing story and moving quick enough for the reader to be intrigued. ““You’re an idiot,” I seethed.” I can hear this line in my head and the silence that comes after because I literally took a step back, wonderful writing here as well. Overall I really enjoyed this story it was a wonderful read and I don’t really see any areas where improvement is needed.
Brady, I really liked this story. I think the idea of it was really cool. And I really liked the way you created the character of Genesis and of Nora. The evolution of the character Genesis in this story was done really well. We were able to see the change from being just a “robot” to having more feelings and to being more “alive”. I think that the ideas that we were shown in this story were really good, and created such a vivid world that could really be expanded upon. I think that this story needed more background about the characters, and what they were creating this AI for. I think if you expanded upon the ideas of why they created this creature and what the purpose of it was for, would really help the understanding of this story. Adding more depth to the world and the characters would really be helpful to show the audience exactly what the purpose of this AI was for, and what they needed it for.
Rachel, I really liked this story. The character development in this story was fantastic, and I loved how we saw right into the main characters head when it came to the chaos that followed her and her sister. I think that there was so much to these siblings, and really showed the relationship that siblings have. As someone who has a lot of younger siblings, and three of them being sisters, I really loved the relationship that you created with these characters. I think the desire to care for your younger siblings, as an older sister, was really prevalent in this story and was a feeling that was captivated throughout the entire story. I think if there was any way for the sisters to have a situation where they had to explain more about what Lovette was going through, and why she did what she did or why she disappeared, was important. Being able to show how she only trusted her sister, and could only give information to her sister would be important to show how important taking care of her sister was.
Dear Rachel,
I really loved this story. Your writing style has very much fantasy vibes and I am here for it. I think you captured familial love very well in the relationship between Nyssa and Lovette. Sisterly love is no small thing. I also particularly enjoyed how you described everything. The mood descriptions were so beautifully illustrated, it was like I could feel what Nyssa was feeling as I read this. I think the transition between the back story and getting to the main plot could perhaps be strengthened. Going along with that, I think maybe adding more tension before we finally find Lovette would add to the story. Maybe make Nyssa struggle more on the streets because of her leg. I think maybe she would have had more difficulty kneeling down and inspecting her sister on the ground and then dragging her home would be a near impossible feat. Seeing her commitment to Lovette despite her disability would really emphasize that sisterly love you established at the beginning of the story. The most beautiful part of your story is the idea of losing someone you love before they are even dead. Nyssa loved Lovette so much that even as she became a monster, she still had Lovette’s back. Again, that sisterly love never waivered. The ending hit me right in the heart and kept me thinking long after I finished reading your story. Very well done!
Dear Brady,
I think the plot of this story is incredibly imaginative! I really like the world-building here, it is always intriguing to see the possible futures people can come up with, especially ones with AI. I also really liked how you were able to differentiate the personalities of Nora and Dr. Eamon through the way they spoke and interacted with each other. I will say, though, that the dialogue seemed a little cumbersome at times. In certain parts, it felt there was a lot more telling than showing going on so it lowkey felt like a video game tutorial in my mind more than a movie. I think the ending was a great idea! The idea of Gen finding emotions and feelings because of Nora and potentially becoming a better fighter by that inadvertently is super interesting. My one complaint about the ending is I wish it was a little bit longer. Maybe you could expand upon Gen’s thoughts throughout the story so we can get to know her changing personality as we read. Then you can delve a bit more into her thoughts at the end.
Brady,
I found your piece to be quite a captivating read. Throughout reading I particularly found Dr. Eaman to be quite a fascinating character, his cold scientific demeanor towards Nora and Project Genesis was painted well. His hints of procedure and care towards his team was a nice touch and I would have loved to see this whole story perhaps more through his eyes, maybe seeing him talk/interact with genesis before the final part of the story. Nora making Eaman and Genesis both think on Genesis’ sentience would have been an interesting plot point. A conversation between two calculated characters on this would have been very interesting. While the action was quite enjoyable to read through, I found the ice and fire aspects of the combat to be a little fantastical for what we are given. I would have liked to see the sentience aspect drawn out too. You gave a lot of intrigue to this aspect and seemed like you wanted to develop it more towards the end but wrapped up the story instead. In the end, despite the interesting combat scenes, less combat would have driven character development further.
Rachel,
Your Story has an interesting premise. A story of two sisters trying to survive the hand the world dealt them is a good jumping off point. Starting with their bond growing up, and moving through their life was a good choice, as it establishes the reason they care about each other. On this note, however, I found there to be a lot going on, and all of it given to us the readers very quickly. Much was presented without going into detail. I found this to be a recurring theme throughout the entirety of the piece. I feel your story would benefit from less conflicts, and elaboration on the more central conflicts and themes. A slow and subtle revelation of the sister’s condition after her return would have driven the middle of your story well. Things felt a bit exaggerated at times, like almost everything was an intense moment with intense feelings. Despite this I felt the scene where the narrator was patching up Lovette was a strong point in the story. It focused on one theme, and had decent dialogue between the characters.
Dear Rachel,
I really liked this story! All of your characters felt unique and like their own people, all with different thoughts, feelings and reactions to the situation they are in. I Also really like your use of perspective and how that colors the narrative from the POV characters illness, to the mystery and anger with what her sister does for work. I loved all the tiny details and references to fairy tales with the big bad wolf being an assassin, I thought that was really cool. And I also really liked how character came through in this story, I am specifically thinking of the homeless man that Myssa comes across and feels bad that she didn’t bring her purse, it was a small scene but it really helped or reenforce Myssa’s charter as a kind caring older sister, and with the limited real estate that we have for these stories i think it worked really well. The biggest criticism I have is against the world that this is set in, there are references to the slums, which also implies a nicer part of town, but I feel like this doesn’t affect the characters in any significant way. I feel like I could care about the characters a whole lot more if I knew the city that they were living in as well, otherwise there are times when the world kind of feels empty a little bit, but overall a wonderful story that I enjoyed very much.
Dear Brady,
The world you created in your story is fascinating! I think you really took this idea of furthering technology and ran with it which is really cool to see since this could totally happen in our lifetime. I would say that this is the story of a robot who discovers a taste of what it is like to be alive and what we can tell wants to use that for good and not evil. I liked the fact that when Victoria, I believe she was a higher up in the Atlas side of things, referred to Project Genesis she would call Genesis an “it” but when the other scientists referred to Genesis it was They/Them pronouns, referring to Gen more like a human then a piece of equipment. This aspect was really interesting and I thought gave a great understanding of Victoria’s character and her stance on the whole thing while we can tell that Dr. Eamon and Nora cared for Genesis like they were actually alive and were more than just a piece of equipment. This story is a great example of what we have talked about with focusing on a specific moment, that has context enough to create a longer work! The action scenes were also really good, along with the descriptions. I could really imagine and see the story unfolding as I read it which is not always easy to get the reader to do. I think my only suggestions would be to reread for grammar and punctuation type things, I noticed small things like forgetting to add a quotation mark when someone was talking but it was all small stuff like that. Also, I feel like the opening was good in that you gave background on context of the story through dialogue but I think that could be shaped in a way that sounded more like a normal conversation people would have, it is a great idea though!
Dear Rachel,
I would say that this is the story of a sister having to grow up fast and change who she really was in order to riskily make money to provide the medicine that her sick sister needed to live. The descriptions and details in this story really made it interesting and vividly detailed. I noticed the repeated image of fire, ash and flames, basically all things relating to heat throughout the story which I would love to explore when we talk in class, but I think it is very warranted for this story and this repeated image gives the story an intensity that is felt throughout it. I also noticed that the scene with the homeless man or the beggar that is passed by the main character while she is going out to look for her sister helped to show a lot about her character. She cured herself for not remembering her purse and then said a prayer for the begging stranger while she was in this state of worry for her own sister which not only shows like level headedness but also how kind and caring she is. The ending is definitely an ending in which it gives a bit of clarity but it is not a place where the full story actually ends which is exactly what it is meant to be. I think that the places you explanded on when telling this were good places to do so. I really enjoyed how your actual story was not even close to what I was expecting after reading the title, it was so much more complex and more interesting than I thought it was going to be which I think adds another element to your title. I think I would suggest that you put in timestamps type of sentences, just telling us how much time has past, I think you did maybe once, and the flow isn’t bad but I was a bit confused at first between pages one and two, I think that is where there is a huge time jump and that could just be a bit more clear. Overall, it was really cool to read and honestly I needed to read it more than once to really understand everything and have it all sink in.
Brady: I found your story to be really different and cool. I like how you incorporated the future of AI and technology and gave it life. This story is about a scientist giving a robot a life and similar to humans and develop. I really like how you used dialogue between characters and giving each character their own personality through their words. The dialogue was set up a little confusing but if organized a little more it’ll be perfect! It seemed a little crammed at the end so it would be helpful if you spread out the end a little more to give the story a solid wrap. Overall I loved the idea of AI robot testing it felt relatable to society now as we transfer to more of an AI mixed life and future. Great job!!
Rachel: I really enjoyed your story, it was very personable and sensitive. I felt like I could relate and feel for the characters which kept me drawn into the story. I would say this is a self growth story where the sister has to step up and do whatever it takes to be able to care for her ill sister. Going through all this forced her to quickly grow up and be independent because her sister is relying on her. I do think there’s a lot going on for a short story so a suggestion would be to try and stick to the main theme and conflict in the story so readers can follow along better. It can be difficult when there’s several conflicts through a period of time to follow. Overall I loved this story, it tore my heart in all different directions. The ending as well gave me closure for her and her passed sister. Great job!
Brady:
This is the story of an AI starting to understand what it means to be human (at least a facet of humanity). I really liked the world that was built, it felt very much like our own but just a few years in the future. The story felt really well paced and balanced, and I felt that the characters were really distinguishable. The dialogue did a lot of the heavy lifting with characterization and I felt like it was done really well. As far as suggestions, I think I wanted more of a battle against the super strong android since it got built up a lot. Maybe more detail on how Gen looks could help with the imagery of the fighting and conversations between Gen and Nora; I assume they are built like a human? Rereading this piece aloud and taking extra care on spelling and sentence level stuff would help strengthen a lot of your story! Overall, it was a very gripping and thought-provoking story!
Rachel:
This is the story of a sister doing whatever it takes to support her struggling family. I really liked the characters in this story. I was invested in the main pair of sisters from the start and the dynamics were really well written. I thought the story felt pretty well paced up until the ending. The characters were so interesting that I wanted more from them, especially from the father and from Victor. I really liked the specificity of the details included in this piece but I definitely think setting the scene for the city itself and the house would make it all the more stronger. The emotional connection between the siblings in this story really hit home and it was executed so well! Being a sister myself, the relationships in this story felt real and the characters had both good and bad in them. One more suggestion may be to lean into Victor and Lovette’s relationship more. I just had so many questions about them by the end that I wanted answers for!
12 thoughts on “JOURNAL # 15”
Dear Brady,
Your piece was super interesting, and I love that you’re delving into what makes someone or something human, whether that’s choosing a name or protecting the people you care for. Watching a robot finding that personhood through the eyes of a kind and excitable scientist was a real treat to experience. I loved the little details about the characters, the little mumbles, the morally-gray area the scientists are in, the lights to show when Gen is thinking, it was such a nice detail.
There are aspects I think could be improved, though some of them are a bit nitpicky. First, your POV character seems to be Nora, however, she is referred to as the “new, strange woman” and then just “the woman” for 3/4 of the first page. Why? There doesn’t seem to be a point to hiding this information as we are looking at her experience.
Next, look again at what information the characters would trust each other with. Though Nora has just arrived, Dr. Eamon confides the basis of the conspiracy without thought or explanation. Why would he tell her a private theory? Maybe you could add this in more subtly, like Nora finding overhearing him mumble something but doesn’t totally give it away.
Next is the combat scenes, which, while impressive to imagine, don’t quite keep me hooked. They’re bunched up in big paragraphs and feel repetitive. The reader may need shorter paragraphs with slight breaks in between, like Nora looking at the other scientists for how they think of this. Are they captivated too, or is this just another day at the office for them as they tiredly make notes and talk quietly to each other?
Dear Rachel,
I love your character work. You can tell their individual and specific personalities despite there being three characters who reliably show up(the sisters), with another only being referenced until the end and still having such a strangely mixed presence(Victor). The fairy tale allusions are great, with the three sisters mimicking Cinderella or early Beauty and the Beast tales, the big bad wolf being this assassin, and the unreliability of the parents. The narration is good, especially the perspective preserving the mystery of Lovette’s job and life outside the house, but I especially liked when Nyssa spoke to Lovette in the narration as though she was still there, as though she could go back in time to accuse her. Throughout the whole story, I was waiting for Lovette to physically die, which seemed like great dramatic irony since Nyssa is diagnosed with some illness in the beginning, but it’s wonderful that the death wasn’t exactly physical. “Die” isn’t always death, sometimes it’s about loss instead and you wrote that so well.
The big criticism I have is that this feels more like a backstory than a narrative story and is almost blank in places, like how there aren’t a lot of details in the setting. The only details we get are related to the characters, which isn’t exactly bad, but I would be more invested in them if I knew the world they lived in. Is it a hopeless place? Does poison drag down the streets and trash pile up against their home? Does Adelinda do anything to help support them? What is their house like? Is it big or small, and how does it reflect the financial or familial situation they’re in?
Dear Brady,
I think you have a really interesting concept here with the story you’re building. It caught me as a surprise that it had to do with AI because it’s such a current topic that I feel isn’t vastly covered (or I haven’t read much with the subject matter). I’m curious to know more about your choice of opening up the story immediately within a dialogue scene. On one hand, I thought it dropped me right in the middle and forced my attention. On the other, it left some possibly necessary context out in terms of who the narrator is and why they’re related to this project/lab. I felt this a couple times throughout the story when different characters/scenes were introducted. One example of this was when the androids came in and then when Victoria did. I’m wondering, similar to my earlier comment, if those sections would benefit from a little more context. I know this may be a big ask in terms of how much space you have, but consider balancing some more background/description with the amount of dialogue you have (which is a good amount). However, I think this is a great start on where you’re headed!
Dear Rachel,
I was thoroughly engaged with your piece beginning to end. The description and life you breathed into your characters came off as both effortless and cleverly constructed. It felt like they were a friend I knew and I could sympathize with their situation. Your opening was curious and didn’t point to any “middle of the moment” but a key information point that played a role in the end. There were some moments I thought I’d like to know more, especially when it came to the background of the multiple mothers (simply who had what mom), the disease Nyssa had, and maybe slightly more about Dad. I thought it was wonderful you didn’t introduce characters simply saying here’s this person and here’s what they’re like. You tastefully scaffolded those details into the piece. The pacing was good yet there were some moments I thought could use an astrik in between pargraphs to represent time moving forward. Otherwise, I didn’t feel thrown for a loop in terms of where the story was headed. The ending caught me teary eyed at the idea of a metaphorical death of her sister, or a physical one. I think that may be the only question I have as there’s some ambiguity around that (or I’ve read incorrectly). Overall, such a captivating story!
Brady: I’m always a sucker for sci-fi, and this is no different. I think you did a really great job with the combat scenes and describing what’s happening while still keeping it snappy. I only wish there was more of it – I can’t speak for everyone, but one of my favorite parts of sci-fi with themes of AI and humanity is the bureaucracy of it all, I would have loved to learn more about Atlas and just what their intentions were for Genesis. What was the original purpose of Genesis? What state is the world in that it necessitates a super computer warrior? A lot of good questions here. I think one of my only critiques is that there are a few spelling errors here and there. Nice work!
Rachel: I love the word muddles. I think it shows a lot of character for just being one word and I can’t believe it’s something I’d never heard of until now. I love the theme of living with the ghosts of people, regardless of whether or not they’re still alive. I would have loved to see a little more with Adelinda. We see how Lovette’s descent affects our main character, but Adelinda remains on the sidelines. Granted, they are doing their best to keep Adelinda sheltered from all of this, but children are always more perceptive than you think, and I think the impact this is having on Adelinda would be interesting to see more of. Great story!
Rachel- Throughout this story I’ve found myself obsessed and in the shoes of this story. I love the amount of world building and thought behind it that has gone into the story as a whole. Early in the story I can already tell that you know what words to use and when like your wonderful use of the word “chagrin”. I love “we learned to joke darkly only two years after that day” because that rings true in real life, too. Your use of realism and the ability to not sugar code a story without it being cheesy is wonderful, too. I love the part when you write “I saw it for what it was: instability. Not wanting to remain in a house of cards, born of our father’s inability to stop loving a ghost” because it flows with the story and is such a great line. Your depth of character in 11 pages is a beautiful reflection on your ability to show character. You’ve managed to weave your words very well and the story flows nicely, too. I love the part where you say “Our eyes burned as I pictured the young man she’d introduced me to months ago, someone who had not done anything worth the shrapnel and fire that had torn him away from my sister” because it gives the story world building and gives her character. The line “small in a way she never used to be.” also sticks with the reader really well. You manage to write the timeline so well, too? I can tell the time is changing but it flows so well and evenly for a short story, never lingering on any point in their lives but maintaining an even flowing story and moving quick enough for the reader to be intrigued. ““You’re an idiot,” I seethed.” I can hear this line in my head and the silence that comes after because I literally took a step back, wonderful writing here as well. Overall I really enjoyed this story it was a wonderful read and I don’t really see any areas where improvement is needed.
Brady, I really liked this story. I think the idea of it was really cool. And I really liked the way you created the character of Genesis and of Nora. The evolution of the character Genesis in this story was done really well. We were able to see the change from being just a “robot” to having more feelings and to being more “alive”. I think that the ideas that we were shown in this story were really good, and created such a vivid world that could really be expanded upon. I think that this story needed more background about the characters, and what they were creating this AI for. I think if you expanded upon the ideas of why they created this creature and what the purpose of it was for, would really help the understanding of this story. Adding more depth to the world and the characters would really be helpful to show the audience exactly what the purpose of this AI was for, and what they needed it for.
Rachel, I really liked this story. The character development in this story was fantastic, and I loved how we saw right into the main characters head when it came to the chaos that followed her and her sister. I think that there was so much to these siblings, and really showed the relationship that siblings have. As someone who has a lot of younger siblings, and three of them being sisters, I really loved the relationship that you created with these characters. I think the desire to care for your younger siblings, as an older sister, was really prevalent in this story and was a feeling that was captivated throughout the entire story. I think if there was any way for the sisters to have a situation where they had to explain more about what Lovette was going through, and why she did what she did or why she disappeared, was important. Being able to show how she only trusted her sister, and could only give information to her sister would be important to show how important taking care of her sister was.
Dear Rachel,
I really loved this story. Your writing style has very much fantasy vibes and I am here for it. I think you captured familial love very well in the relationship between Nyssa and Lovette. Sisterly love is no small thing. I also particularly enjoyed how you described everything. The mood descriptions were so beautifully illustrated, it was like I could feel what Nyssa was feeling as I read this. I think the transition between the back story and getting to the main plot could perhaps be strengthened. Going along with that, I think maybe adding more tension before we finally find Lovette would add to the story. Maybe make Nyssa struggle more on the streets because of her leg. I think maybe she would have had more difficulty kneeling down and inspecting her sister on the ground and then dragging her home would be a near impossible feat. Seeing her commitment to Lovette despite her disability would really emphasize that sisterly love you established at the beginning of the story. The most beautiful part of your story is the idea of losing someone you love before they are even dead. Nyssa loved Lovette so much that even as she became a monster, she still had Lovette’s back. Again, that sisterly love never waivered. The ending hit me right in the heart and kept me thinking long after I finished reading your story. Very well done!
Dear Brady,
I think the plot of this story is incredibly imaginative! I really like the world-building here, it is always intriguing to see the possible futures people can come up with, especially ones with AI. I also really liked how you were able to differentiate the personalities of Nora and Dr. Eamon through the way they spoke and interacted with each other. I will say, though, that the dialogue seemed a little cumbersome at times. In certain parts, it felt there was a lot more telling than showing going on so it lowkey felt like a video game tutorial in my mind more than a movie. I think the ending was a great idea! The idea of Gen finding emotions and feelings because of Nora and potentially becoming a better fighter by that inadvertently is super interesting. My one complaint about the ending is I wish it was a little bit longer. Maybe you could expand upon Gen’s thoughts throughout the story so we can get to know her changing personality as we read. Then you can delve a bit more into her thoughts at the end.
Brady,
I found your piece to be quite a captivating read. Throughout reading I particularly found Dr. Eaman to be quite a fascinating character, his cold scientific demeanor towards Nora and Project Genesis was painted well. His hints of procedure and care towards his team was a nice touch and I would have loved to see this whole story perhaps more through his eyes, maybe seeing him talk/interact with genesis before the final part of the story. Nora making Eaman and Genesis both think on Genesis’ sentience would have been an interesting plot point. A conversation between two calculated characters on this would have been very interesting. While the action was quite enjoyable to read through, I found the ice and fire aspects of the combat to be a little fantastical for what we are given. I would have liked to see the sentience aspect drawn out too. You gave a lot of intrigue to this aspect and seemed like you wanted to develop it more towards the end but wrapped up the story instead. In the end, despite the interesting combat scenes, less combat would have driven character development further.
Rachel,
Your Story has an interesting premise. A story of two sisters trying to survive the hand the world dealt them is a good jumping off point. Starting with their bond growing up, and moving through their life was a good choice, as it establishes the reason they care about each other. On this note, however, I found there to be a lot going on, and all of it given to us the readers very quickly. Much was presented without going into detail. I found this to be a recurring theme throughout the entirety of the piece. I feel your story would benefit from less conflicts, and elaboration on the more central conflicts and themes. A slow and subtle revelation of the sister’s condition after her return would have driven the middle of your story well. Things felt a bit exaggerated at times, like almost everything was an intense moment with intense feelings. Despite this I felt the scene where the narrator was patching up Lovette was a strong point in the story. It focused on one theme, and had decent dialogue between the characters.
Dear Rachel,
I really liked this story! All of your characters felt unique and like their own people, all with different thoughts, feelings and reactions to the situation they are in. I Also really like your use of perspective and how that colors the narrative from the POV characters illness, to the mystery and anger with what her sister does for work. I loved all the tiny details and references to fairy tales with the big bad wolf being an assassin, I thought that was really cool. And I also really liked how character came through in this story, I am specifically thinking of the homeless man that Myssa comes across and feels bad that she didn’t bring her purse, it was a small scene but it really helped or reenforce Myssa’s charter as a kind caring older sister, and with the limited real estate that we have for these stories i think it worked really well. The biggest criticism I have is against the world that this is set in, there are references to the slums, which also implies a nicer part of town, but I feel like this doesn’t affect the characters in any significant way. I feel like I could care about the characters a whole lot more if I knew the city that they were living in as well, otherwise there are times when the world kind of feels empty a little bit, but overall a wonderful story that I enjoyed very much.
Dear Brady,
The world you created in your story is fascinating! I think you really took this idea of furthering technology and ran with it which is really cool to see since this could totally happen in our lifetime. I would say that this is the story of a robot who discovers a taste of what it is like to be alive and what we can tell wants to use that for good and not evil. I liked the fact that when Victoria, I believe she was a higher up in the Atlas side of things, referred to Project Genesis she would call Genesis an “it” but when the other scientists referred to Genesis it was They/Them pronouns, referring to Gen more like a human then a piece of equipment. This aspect was really interesting and I thought gave a great understanding of Victoria’s character and her stance on the whole thing while we can tell that Dr. Eamon and Nora cared for Genesis like they were actually alive and were more than just a piece of equipment. This story is a great example of what we have talked about with focusing on a specific moment, that has context enough to create a longer work! The action scenes were also really good, along with the descriptions. I could really imagine and see the story unfolding as I read it which is not always easy to get the reader to do. I think my only suggestions would be to reread for grammar and punctuation type things, I noticed small things like forgetting to add a quotation mark when someone was talking but it was all small stuff like that. Also, I feel like the opening was good in that you gave background on context of the story through dialogue but I think that could be shaped in a way that sounded more like a normal conversation people would have, it is a great idea though!
Dear Rachel,
I would say that this is the story of a sister having to grow up fast and change who she really was in order to riskily make money to provide the medicine that her sick sister needed to live. The descriptions and details in this story really made it interesting and vividly detailed. I noticed the repeated image of fire, ash and flames, basically all things relating to heat throughout the story which I would love to explore when we talk in class, but I think it is very warranted for this story and this repeated image gives the story an intensity that is felt throughout it. I also noticed that the scene with the homeless man or the beggar that is passed by the main character while she is going out to look for her sister helped to show a lot about her character. She cured herself for not remembering her purse and then said a prayer for the begging stranger while she was in this state of worry for her own sister which not only shows like level headedness but also how kind and caring she is. The ending is definitely an ending in which it gives a bit of clarity but it is not a place where the full story actually ends which is exactly what it is meant to be. I think that the places you explanded on when telling this were good places to do so. I really enjoyed how your actual story was not even close to what I was expecting after reading the title, it was so much more complex and more interesting than I thought it was going to be which I think adds another element to your title. I think I would suggest that you put in timestamps type of sentences, just telling us how much time has past, I think you did maybe once, and the flow isn’t bad but I was a bit confused at first between pages one and two, I think that is where there is a huge time jump and that could just be a bit more clear. Overall, it was really cool to read and honestly I needed to read it more than once to really understand everything and have it all sink in.
Brady: I found your story to be really different and cool. I like how you incorporated the future of AI and technology and gave it life. This story is about a scientist giving a robot a life and similar to humans and develop. I really like how you used dialogue between characters and giving each character their own personality through their words. The dialogue was set up a little confusing but if organized a little more it’ll be perfect! It seemed a little crammed at the end so it would be helpful if you spread out the end a little more to give the story a solid wrap. Overall I loved the idea of AI robot testing it felt relatable to society now as we transfer to more of an AI mixed life and future. Great job!!
Rachel: I really enjoyed your story, it was very personable and sensitive. I felt like I could relate and feel for the characters which kept me drawn into the story. I would say this is a self growth story where the sister has to step up and do whatever it takes to be able to care for her ill sister. Going through all this forced her to quickly grow up and be independent because her sister is relying on her. I do think there’s a lot going on for a short story so a suggestion would be to try and stick to the main theme and conflict in the story so readers can follow along better. It can be difficult when there’s several conflicts through a period of time to follow. Overall I loved this story, it tore my heart in all different directions. The ending as well gave me closure for her and her passed sister. Great job!
Brady:
This is the story of an AI starting to understand what it means to be human (at least a facet of humanity). I really liked the world that was built, it felt very much like our own but just a few years in the future. The story felt really well paced and balanced, and I felt that the characters were really distinguishable. The dialogue did a lot of the heavy lifting with characterization and I felt like it was done really well. As far as suggestions, I think I wanted more of a battle against the super strong android since it got built up a lot. Maybe more detail on how Gen looks could help with the imagery of the fighting and conversations between Gen and Nora; I assume they are built like a human? Rereading this piece aloud and taking extra care on spelling and sentence level stuff would help strengthen a lot of your story! Overall, it was a very gripping and thought-provoking story!
Rachel:
This is the story of a sister doing whatever it takes to support her struggling family. I really liked the characters in this story. I was invested in the main pair of sisters from the start and the dynamics were really well written. I thought the story felt pretty well paced up until the ending. The characters were so interesting that I wanted more from them, especially from the father and from Victor. I really liked the specificity of the details included in this piece but I definitely think setting the scene for the city itself and the house would make it all the more stronger. The emotional connection between the siblings in this story really hit home and it was executed so well! Being a sister myself, the relationships in this story felt real and the characters had both good and bad in them. One more suggestion may be to lean into Victor and Lovette’s relationship more. I just had so many questions about them by the end that I wanted answers for!