Dear Lizzie,
I loved your story about Margot, a witch trying to help her daughter through a supernatural ‘rebirthing’ process while intruders attempt to break in, and how she takes advantage of the perilous situation in order to protect her family. I like how you focused on the theme of motherhood throughout your story, with Margot using what she knew from her mother and grandmother to help her daughter, Janine, through the painful transformation process using familial remedies. I also enjoyed the cylical nature of the family, with someone always filling the role of protector and the role of witch, especially as history tends to repeat itself in real life as well. I do wonder how things would progress following the final paragraph, especially since there are a lot of intruders in their castle at the time. I also wonder how Janine’s father would play into things since the only man in the family that’s mentioned in the story is Uncle Joey, a distant relative Margot considers reuniting with. One thing I found confusing was the fact that initially, I thought Margot and Janine were school-friends rather than mother and daughter, specifically until the second page. I think if there’s a little clarification there, the story may flow better.
Hope that helps!
Dear Sophie,
I enjoyed your story! I love the blend of the modern, realistic elements with the fantastical descriptions at the beginning. I also really enjoyed the vivid descriptions— they made me feel like I was right there with Alice in the airport. The story of Alice’s trip to France and the incident with masked man stuck out to me, as I think you did a really nice job of blending the anxieties of airport security and little things like that with the much more unsettling horrors of the world with the masked man. I also loved how you made your characters feel realistic and alive, primarily Alice, especially in as few as twelve pages. The book she chose, Madeleine, was one I enjoyed as a child too, the kind of personal touch that makes a character a believable person. I’d like to get to learn more about Maggie and Georgia, especially as it appears that Georgia is a fluent French speaker. Did they all meet during this study abroad opportunity in Morrocco, or did they meet on a previous trip to Paris? Or perhaps, did they know each other prior to this? I think expanding a bit more on their friendship may add more to the stakes of the story, and continue to characterize Maggie and Georgia individually.
Hope that helps!
Dear Brady,
I loved your short story, “Genesis,” which focuses on Project Genesis, a sentient AI at the center of an experiment to create a protector for humans. Much of the story focuses on the divide between the scientists Dr Nora Margot and Dr Eamon and the organization funding them, Atlas, which wants Genesis to act as a ‘living’ robotic soldier, something that I found to be very prevalent to the increasing use of AI by corporations in ways that challenge ethics and values, especially with the artistic sphere. In a world where AI is treated as a tool which is often misused, I like that you gave Genesis a compassionate character to them, especially with their newfound friendship with the bubbly, affectionate Nora. I also like that you focused in on the short period of time and described the various tests that revealed just how much influence Atlas had over the project and the threats that brings. I wonder what would happen if we saw this project from a more experienced scientist’s perspective, as Nora is new to the project and didn’t seem to know much background on Genesis’ purpose. I also would like to see more of Victoria, as I think that would help us see what Atlas’ motivations are and how that plays into the human experience theme you have in your story. I hope to see more of these characters potentially in Creative Writing Club!
Dear Miranda,
I loved how realistic the argument between Bonnie and the narrator felt. I also really enjoyed how you never gave a name to the narrator, which made the lack of identity she seemed to experience after Bonnie went missing feel incredibly tangible to me as a reader. I also loved the timelapse-type feel of the years going by with the plate of pancakes acting as a symbol of the narrator’s guilt about both the argument and the fact that she never shared the note with her parents. However, one thing that shocked me was the idea that the narrator’s parents would never go in there to look for any clues, or that they wouldn’t smell the rotten food, though maybe I read the time skips as being further apart then they were. I’d like to see more of Bonnie either in the form of flashbacks or more content in the beginning section to show her personality beyond her repeatedly threatening to run away, though I do like that you left the origins of the argument unknown as even the narrator can’t remember the unimportant reason for their argument. I also found some of the descriptions at the beginning to overpower the action of the story, though throughout the story, that seems to go away a bit. Hope these suggestions help!
Rachel
Dear Daphne,
I loved your story! I think it captures the human experience of parent-child awkwardness in a way that I honestly don’t know how to put into words myself. I also think you captured the anxiousness of discussing love life with someone when you’re not out of the closet really well, especially with the narrator immediately regretting his lie because he knows that his mother will not let go of the prospect of this fake date. I love how you gave the narrator a niche interest— in cheese, which is one shared by many to varying extents— which makes him feel more alive. I also enjoyed the realism of the narrator not being able to identify his hobbies, especially since most people can’t just say writing, and the fact that he realized “not for the first time” that he was “boring.” I’d love to see more, maybe with the narrator and Henry bumping into each other again at the checkout line, or if you wanted to keep the ending, something more with the narrator’s mother. Hope these suggestions help, and look forward to reading more!
Rachel
Dear Miranda,
This story is about a twin whose sister ran away and went missing. We get to see the passage of time as the sister continues on without her other half. I really enjoyed this story! I am a triplet so stories about multiples always intrigue me. I think the idea of one twin without the other is such a terrible thing. I could never imagine losing one of my sisters because it has always been us as a package deal. One of my favorite parts of the story was your use of the pancakes to show the passage of time. Although I am not sure how realistic it is that the parents or detectives never went into the bedroom. Especially years later, it seems like the parents would have wanted to go to the bedroom to reconnect with Bonnie. I also think that maybe it would be cool to change the writing style to reflect the narrator’s age. It seemed like she talked the same when she was 12 as when she was a freshman in college. That being said though, the passage of time was really interesting to me in the story. I think seeing the narrator’s thoughts as well as the parent’s behavior change over time was really well written.
Dear Daphne,
This story is about a man named Louis who is struggling to be himself. He finds himself in a meet-cute with another man, Henry, at the grocery store cheese aisle. I thoroughly enjoyed this story. Usually, I prefer stories with lots of action and world-building but this story is a bit more intimate. I think it allowed for us to get inside Louis’s head more and see his personality. I actually found myself relating to him quite a bit. I am a self-proclaimed boring queer person. I think you portrayed the awkwardness of Louis very well. I also really like how you made Henry very obviously confident until Louis makes a bold move and Henry is thrown for a loop. My only criticism would be maybe to delve a bit more into Louis’s internalized issues regarding being queer. We saw his uncomfortableness surrounding his mom assuming he likes girls but maybe talking more about internalized homophobia or just general fear of coming out would make his boldness with Henry even more effective.
Miranda, I really liked this story. I really loved the sibling dynamic that was shown throughout this story, and showed how much protection, thats what it seemed to me, towards her sister. When Bonnie disappeared, our main character did everything in her power to protect her sister and how she left, trying to be as protective as possible, while also wanting to find her. I think that the description of how others found out was really good as well, and how in an immediate reaction was the school. I think that the way you showed how the sister dealt with this over the years, and also showing the parents were struggling as well. You portrayed the emotions of these characters really well. I think that adding more about the note, and what our main character did with it. I think showing more of her guilt about the situation would be better, and hiding evidence would help show that more. I think just explaining her thought process and how she hide that from her family would help show why she was so guilty during this time. I also think that the closure at the end would be helpful too. When she sees her sister, or who she thinks is her sister, and realizes everything is going to be oaky would be a really good way to end the story.
Daphne, I really liked this story. I think that it showed such a pure admiration from someone that you don’t really know, yet are so intrigued to figure out about. I really enjoyed the banter about cheeses and wine. It felt as if it was a snippet taken from a movie, like the first meeting of a good pairing. I think there is so much to work with in this story and so much to evolve with. The writing and description was done so well, and made it so easy to picture. I think that the story was really well done. But I do think you have so much space left that you can depend the story or expand upon it more. Adding something about them meeting again in another random setting, or having our main character thinking about them a lot would be good. With how much space you have, you have so much room to really expand in this story and could go in a really good way.
Daphne,
The tone of this story rocks. A lot of reading I have done lately for class and otherwise has been quite down, and this story avoids that all-to-easy trench to fall into. It holds up a quite pleasant atmosphere and makes for an enjoyable read. The dialogue felt real and light. It had the perfect amount of pause that implied brief stints of awkwardness, before both parties moving on from it in a real and natural tone. It highlighted an often overlooked aspect of interaction,where there is no intense awkwardness and characters are not too familiar despite being new. While these all can naturally occur in human interactions this is a pleasant and niche that was displayed beautifully. In terms of composition, the work was clear and digestible. I can almost hear your voice through your writing.
Miranda,
The story you have written is a very emotional piece and conveys this emotion well. The relationship shared between siblings, I imagine, can be a complicated one, especially for twins. I admire the way you wrote the narrator when she lies about her sister going missing. Children are not sure what to do typically in situations like this where it may be perceived as their fault. This point was highlighted with the social impact of having a missing family member. Her difficulties from her peers, and issues of being overlooked and forgotten by her own parents in light of her sister. The parents were cleverly written as well. They are portrayed as doing their best but still falling short in some aspects as all parents do. The passing of time also feels very natural. It blends the hasty quality time can have with time skips quite seamlessly. The way it was all written kept me engaged and prevented my mind from wandering. In all the story was quite well written.
Dear Daphne,
I love this scene in the grocery store that you provided for us. I think there is great potential to really bring this in a few different directions that could add a little closure/ ending for the reader now that you have set us up. I think this is the story of a man getting last minute things at the store who unexpectedly meets someone who peaks his interests. I was left thinking “Aw thats adorable” when I was done reading. I thought the dialogue was great, it was playful and really brought the characters to life. I feel like everyone has a family member like the mom in this story that everyone can relate to. I liked the Wheel of Further thing where the narrator thinks in his head about his hobbies being that he is good at the wheel of fortune but then says something else to answer the questions. But then this man says that he is good at the wheel of fortune for answering the same question. That was just a good parallel. I also loved their playful flirtatious talk, it just felt natural and flowed well, like I was watching this interaction happen in the store so it was really well crafted in my opinion, nice job!
Dear Miranda,
Your story zoomed in on multiple moments throughout this girl’s schooling career and the time framing of it was very clear. I felt as thought knew exactly what the characters were lie from the beginning with your great indirect description of the two girls with their separate halves of the room. I would say this is the story of a girl who looses her sister and has to now navigate through life basically alone since there seems to be little to no help from her parents with the situation. I really like where you left us at the end, it is an ending for a short story but leaves the reader wanting more. This ending does give us a bit of closure, maybe solidifying that Bonnie died and will not be returning alive at any point but still leaves us wondering how the narrator’s college years are going to play out with no friends and with now seeing Bonnie’s ghost. My only question would be how have the parents not gone into the girls room and seen the moldy plate after all of these years of Bonnie being gone? I like this image that we are continuously brought back to but I think maybe more about how the parents are feeling and maybe a suggestion as to why they won’t go in the girls room like it is just too painful or something to explain why they are the type to avoid the room and her belongings instead of being ones who would search the room for answers or clues as to where she has gone off to. Overall this is a well written story and I thought it flowed well!
Dear Miranda,
Your story had a lot of emotion, understandable for a story about the guilt and grief the narrator feels after letting her twin sister run away. While some of this story felt like telling instead of showing, I like the implications the narrator alluded to. The parents can’t seem to tell their kids apart and still refer to them as a collective, using the narrator as a “missing poster” of sorts, mirroring how Bonnie said she felt, and while they obviously care about their daughter they still have her sleep in the bedroom she used to share with Bonnie despite hardly being able to look at her in their grief, much less have real talk with her. There’s also how Bonnie follows the narrator everywhere even when she moves away from home. I wonder why the narrator didn’t tell her parents about Bonnie running away the morning it happened? Is it just guilt or does she blame herself? Why does she change the story?
Just something you might’ve missed, on page 5, there’s some exposition in parenthesis, but it’s structured like an unconnected sentence. There are some issues with tone, where some parts are more formal, as though recording a tale, and others are more like a conversation, especially at the end of the story. I do really like how the narrator seems unreliable. How much of the story is her own perception, such as the reasoning behind others’ actions or the people on the bus laughing at her?
Dear Daphne,
On the surface, this is a simple story, just a conversation between two people who might be flirting and otherwise are finding someone they connect with in a little glimpse of time. It’s nearly just dialogue and the narrator’s thoughts. There’s no real description for the setting outside of “grocery store” but that makes sense, since everyone knows what a grocery store looks like. I love the sweetness of this, of someone getting a crush, of a little look into a life and something could be between these men but could just as likely be a passing moment. One of my favorite little things is the strange mirroring of who Louis tells his mother he’s going on a date with(a woman he met at the store named Henrietta) and who the man he meets is(a man he met at the store named Henry).
I feel like as much as this story has, between the fun moments and funny comments the narrator makes to the reader, it’s still kind of bare. Not much happens, and while it doesn’t seem likely that the conversation will go on much longer or the narrator to give Henry his number or something like that, I want to know what the narrator would do after this. Is he going to continue living the same way he has so far, or is he going to try to change it up? Is he going to take a chance, maybe see Henry at the check out and speak to him again? The story just feels so short and leaves me wondering what the point is, how the narrator and his life would change other than gaining a crush.
Daphne:
This is such an engaging start to this story! I was so invested by the end of the story, I’m a sucker for good characters who feel real, which you did super well. The hyper specificity of the main character’s interests and life provide a lot of insight on the type of person they are. The same goes for the mother and the man at the grocery store. I like that you kept the mother’s location a mystery, it just added to the feeling of disconnect between the main character and her. As for suggestions, I just wanted more from the two men. I was invested in their interaction and just wanted them to meet again, maybe a month or so later in the same place or something? I thought the inner monologue about the struggles of sexuality and love could be something to be explored too. The amount of characterization you fit in in just a few pages is staggering! Really well done!
Daphne, I am so fond of your writing style for the main reason that it reminds me of my own. Your ending has grown on me since Professor Miller did say himself that a short story should leave your audience wanting more, and I think I could speak for the whole class when I say that we do. Your main character is intriguing and the man in the yellow tie isn’t actually lacking anything since I think you’d rather him come off as mysterious since we’re just introduced to him like our protagonist. I loved the wheel of fortune reference; I loved the cheese reference because I myself LOVE brie (my dad raised me on cheese), and you went in an amazing direction with the dialogue- not too much and enough of a story to make your audience want to read more. Your decision to humanize both characters is also really intriguing. I found that I loved how the main character wasn’t a teenager, I felt that making it a thirty-year-old gay man in a grocery isle made it realer, and that their interaction was very natural. The tidbits you added about your character made the story natural, you didn’t add too may and you added just enough uniqueness to keep your audience invested.
Miranda, I feel that you used the word “unceremonious” too many times, but the plot twist so early in your story is very intriguing. I love how often you use the word “love” or similar words to it, I think that’s a beautiful theme that you’ve established rather early. I think that this is a really good story and that you really worked your audience into wanting to read more. I feel that the detail that they’re twins only emphasizes the feelings of the story overall.
Dear Miranda, I loved the presences of the pancakes throughout the story acting as a sort of physical manifestation of guilt. I think it was a great way to show the characters inner turmoil without outright telling it to the audience. I think they also functioned as a great way to sort of show how the perception of Bonnie changed over the time she was gone. In the beginning, when she was still present, she was very well out together and sparkly (a tall stack of pancakes with whipped cream on top) and now that she’s disappeared she’s just become someone’s lost sister. I also really like the detail of them being twins, I think it adds a lot of drama especially where the parents are concerned. I think the only thing I was left wondering about was, of course, what happened to Bonnie, as it seemed like she was really young when she first ran away, and I worry about how she managed to run away so successfully at such a young age. Great job!
Daphne: I really enjoyed the way you set up this story. The dialogue was really well set up and executed. This is a story about 2 people who meet at a grocery store and instantly click. I like how simple and cute this story is it gives me butterflies reading it. The flirting isn’t too cheesy but isn’t too confusing you do a good job at giving just enough where its natural and cute. I suggest at the end maybe giving us a little more to look forward to maybe a little hint that they may meet again or a cute little “He hands me a paper crumbled up and walks away- its his receipt with his phone number on it” or something I feel like that would give us a little more closure on what could happen next if the story were to continue.
Miranda: This story really pulled on my heart. I could feel the emotion through the dialogue. The use of raw emotion and sadness was portrayed very well. It almost gives a mysterious feeling at times trying to investigate what could’ve happened it leaves me curious to read more. This story is about a struggling family with lack of parenting and the narrators sister running away leaving the narrator to step up and make a living of her own independently. The ending left me a little sad I was hoping for a little more closure. Overall I loved this story!
15 thoughts on “JOURNAL # 16”
Dear Lizzie,
I loved your story about Margot, a witch trying to help her daughter through a supernatural ‘rebirthing’ process while intruders attempt to break in, and how she takes advantage of the perilous situation in order to protect her family. I like how you focused on the theme of motherhood throughout your story, with Margot using what she knew from her mother and grandmother to help her daughter, Janine, through the painful transformation process using familial remedies. I also enjoyed the cylical nature of the family, with someone always filling the role of protector and the role of witch, especially as history tends to repeat itself in real life as well. I do wonder how things would progress following the final paragraph, especially since there are a lot of intruders in their castle at the time. I also wonder how Janine’s father would play into things since the only man in the family that’s mentioned in the story is Uncle Joey, a distant relative Margot considers reuniting with. One thing I found confusing was the fact that initially, I thought Margot and Janine were school-friends rather than mother and daughter, specifically until the second page. I think if there’s a little clarification there, the story may flow better.
Hope that helps!
Dear Sophie,
I enjoyed your story! I love the blend of the modern, realistic elements with the fantastical descriptions at the beginning. I also really enjoyed the vivid descriptions— they made me feel like I was right there with Alice in the airport. The story of Alice’s trip to France and the incident with masked man stuck out to me, as I think you did a really nice job of blending the anxieties of airport security and little things like that with the much more unsettling horrors of the world with the masked man. I also loved how you made your characters feel realistic and alive, primarily Alice, especially in as few as twelve pages. The book she chose, Madeleine, was one I enjoyed as a child too, the kind of personal touch that makes a character a believable person. I’d like to get to learn more about Maggie and Georgia, especially as it appears that Georgia is a fluent French speaker. Did they all meet during this study abroad opportunity in Morrocco, or did they meet on a previous trip to Paris? Or perhaps, did they know each other prior to this? I think expanding a bit more on their friendship may add more to the stakes of the story, and continue to characterize Maggie and Georgia individually.
Hope that helps!
Dear Brady,
I loved your short story, “Genesis,” which focuses on Project Genesis, a sentient AI at the center of an experiment to create a protector for humans. Much of the story focuses on the divide between the scientists Dr Nora Margot and Dr Eamon and the organization funding them, Atlas, which wants Genesis to act as a ‘living’ robotic soldier, something that I found to be very prevalent to the increasing use of AI by corporations in ways that challenge ethics and values, especially with the artistic sphere. In a world where AI is treated as a tool which is often misused, I like that you gave Genesis a compassionate character to them, especially with their newfound friendship with the bubbly, affectionate Nora. I also like that you focused in on the short period of time and described the various tests that revealed just how much influence Atlas had over the project and the threats that brings. I wonder what would happen if we saw this project from a more experienced scientist’s perspective, as Nora is new to the project and didn’t seem to know much background on Genesis’ purpose. I also would like to see more of Victoria, as I think that would help us see what Atlas’ motivations are and how that plays into the human experience theme you have in your story. I hope to see more of these characters potentially in Creative Writing Club!
Dear Miranda,
I loved how realistic the argument between Bonnie and the narrator felt. I also really enjoyed how you never gave a name to the narrator, which made the lack of identity she seemed to experience after Bonnie went missing feel incredibly tangible to me as a reader. I also loved the timelapse-type feel of the years going by with the plate of pancakes acting as a symbol of the narrator’s guilt about both the argument and the fact that she never shared the note with her parents. However, one thing that shocked me was the idea that the narrator’s parents would never go in there to look for any clues, or that they wouldn’t smell the rotten food, though maybe I read the time skips as being further apart then they were. I’d like to see more of Bonnie either in the form of flashbacks or more content in the beginning section to show her personality beyond her repeatedly threatening to run away, though I do like that you left the origins of the argument unknown as even the narrator can’t remember the unimportant reason for their argument. I also found some of the descriptions at the beginning to overpower the action of the story, though throughout the story, that seems to go away a bit. Hope these suggestions help!
Rachel
Dear Daphne,
I loved your story! I think it captures the human experience of parent-child awkwardness in a way that I honestly don’t know how to put into words myself. I also think you captured the anxiousness of discussing love life with someone when you’re not out of the closet really well, especially with the narrator immediately regretting his lie because he knows that his mother will not let go of the prospect of this fake date. I love how you gave the narrator a niche interest— in cheese, which is one shared by many to varying extents— which makes him feel more alive. I also enjoyed the realism of the narrator not being able to identify his hobbies, especially since most people can’t just say writing, and the fact that he realized “not for the first time” that he was “boring.” I’d love to see more, maybe with the narrator and Henry bumping into each other again at the checkout line, or if you wanted to keep the ending, something more with the narrator’s mother. Hope these suggestions help, and look forward to reading more!
Rachel
Dear Miranda,
This story is about a twin whose sister ran away and went missing. We get to see the passage of time as the sister continues on without her other half. I really enjoyed this story! I am a triplet so stories about multiples always intrigue me. I think the idea of one twin without the other is such a terrible thing. I could never imagine losing one of my sisters because it has always been us as a package deal. One of my favorite parts of the story was your use of the pancakes to show the passage of time. Although I am not sure how realistic it is that the parents or detectives never went into the bedroom. Especially years later, it seems like the parents would have wanted to go to the bedroom to reconnect with Bonnie. I also think that maybe it would be cool to change the writing style to reflect the narrator’s age. It seemed like she talked the same when she was 12 as when she was a freshman in college. That being said though, the passage of time was really interesting to me in the story. I think seeing the narrator’s thoughts as well as the parent’s behavior change over time was really well written.
Dear Daphne,
This story is about a man named Louis who is struggling to be himself. He finds himself in a meet-cute with another man, Henry, at the grocery store cheese aisle. I thoroughly enjoyed this story. Usually, I prefer stories with lots of action and world-building but this story is a bit more intimate. I think it allowed for us to get inside Louis’s head more and see his personality. I actually found myself relating to him quite a bit. I am a self-proclaimed boring queer person. I think you portrayed the awkwardness of Louis very well. I also really like how you made Henry very obviously confident until Louis makes a bold move and Henry is thrown for a loop. My only criticism would be maybe to delve a bit more into Louis’s internalized issues regarding being queer. We saw his uncomfortableness surrounding his mom assuming he likes girls but maybe talking more about internalized homophobia or just general fear of coming out would make his boldness with Henry even more effective.
Miranda, I really liked this story. I really loved the sibling dynamic that was shown throughout this story, and showed how much protection, thats what it seemed to me, towards her sister. When Bonnie disappeared, our main character did everything in her power to protect her sister and how she left, trying to be as protective as possible, while also wanting to find her. I think that the description of how others found out was really good as well, and how in an immediate reaction was the school. I think that the way you showed how the sister dealt with this over the years, and also showing the parents were struggling as well. You portrayed the emotions of these characters really well. I think that adding more about the note, and what our main character did with it. I think showing more of her guilt about the situation would be better, and hiding evidence would help show that more. I think just explaining her thought process and how she hide that from her family would help show why she was so guilty during this time. I also think that the closure at the end would be helpful too. When she sees her sister, or who she thinks is her sister, and realizes everything is going to be oaky would be a really good way to end the story.
Daphne, I really liked this story. I think that it showed such a pure admiration from someone that you don’t really know, yet are so intrigued to figure out about. I really enjoyed the banter about cheeses and wine. It felt as if it was a snippet taken from a movie, like the first meeting of a good pairing. I think there is so much to work with in this story and so much to evolve with. The writing and description was done so well, and made it so easy to picture. I think that the story was really well done. But I do think you have so much space left that you can depend the story or expand upon it more. Adding something about them meeting again in another random setting, or having our main character thinking about them a lot would be good. With how much space you have, you have so much room to really expand in this story and could go in a really good way.
Daphne,
The tone of this story rocks. A lot of reading I have done lately for class and otherwise has been quite down, and this story avoids that all-to-easy trench to fall into. It holds up a quite pleasant atmosphere and makes for an enjoyable read. The dialogue felt real and light. It had the perfect amount of pause that implied brief stints of awkwardness, before both parties moving on from it in a real and natural tone. It highlighted an often overlooked aspect of interaction,where there is no intense awkwardness and characters are not too familiar despite being new. While these all can naturally occur in human interactions this is a pleasant and niche that was displayed beautifully. In terms of composition, the work was clear and digestible. I can almost hear your voice through your writing.
Miranda,
The story you have written is a very emotional piece and conveys this emotion well. The relationship shared between siblings, I imagine, can be a complicated one, especially for twins. I admire the way you wrote the narrator when she lies about her sister going missing. Children are not sure what to do typically in situations like this where it may be perceived as their fault. This point was highlighted with the social impact of having a missing family member. Her difficulties from her peers, and issues of being overlooked and forgotten by her own parents in light of her sister. The parents were cleverly written as well. They are portrayed as doing their best but still falling short in some aspects as all parents do. The passing of time also feels very natural. It blends the hasty quality time can have with time skips quite seamlessly. The way it was all written kept me engaged and prevented my mind from wandering. In all the story was quite well written.
Dear Daphne,
I love this scene in the grocery store that you provided for us. I think there is great potential to really bring this in a few different directions that could add a little closure/ ending for the reader now that you have set us up. I think this is the story of a man getting last minute things at the store who unexpectedly meets someone who peaks his interests. I was left thinking “Aw thats adorable” when I was done reading. I thought the dialogue was great, it was playful and really brought the characters to life. I feel like everyone has a family member like the mom in this story that everyone can relate to. I liked the Wheel of Further thing where the narrator thinks in his head about his hobbies being that he is good at the wheel of fortune but then says something else to answer the questions. But then this man says that he is good at the wheel of fortune for answering the same question. That was just a good parallel. I also loved their playful flirtatious talk, it just felt natural and flowed well, like I was watching this interaction happen in the store so it was really well crafted in my opinion, nice job!
Dear Miranda,
Your story zoomed in on multiple moments throughout this girl’s schooling career and the time framing of it was very clear. I felt as thought knew exactly what the characters were lie from the beginning with your great indirect description of the two girls with their separate halves of the room. I would say this is the story of a girl who looses her sister and has to now navigate through life basically alone since there seems to be little to no help from her parents with the situation. I really like where you left us at the end, it is an ending for a short story but leaves the reader wanting more. This ending does give us a bit of closure, maybe solidifying that Bonnie died and will not be returning alive at any point but still leaves us wondering how the narrator’s college years are going to play out with no friends and with now seeing Bonnie’s ghost. My only question would be how have the parents not gone into the girls room and seen the moldy plate after all of these years of Bonnie being gone? I like this image that we are continuously brought back to but I think maybe more about how the parents are feeling and maybe a suggestion as to why they won’t go in the girls room like it is just too painful or something to explain why they are the type to avoid the room and her belongings instead of being ones who would search the room for answers or clues as to where she has gone off to. Overall this is a well written story and I thought it flowed well!
Dear Miranda,
Your story had a lot of emotion, understandable for a story about the guilt and grief the narrator feels after letting her twin sister run away. While some of this story felt like telling instead of showing, I like the implications the narrator alluded to. The parents can’t seem to tell their kids apart and still refer to them as a collective, using the narrator as a “missing poster” of sorts, mirroring how Bonnie said she felt, and while they obviously care about their daughter they still have her sleep in the bedroom she used to share with Bonnie despite hardly being able to look at her in their grief, much less have real talk with her. There’s also how Bonnie follows the narrator everywhere even when she moves away from home. I wonder why the narrator didn’t tell her parents about Bonnie running away the morning it happened? Is it just guilt or does she blame herself? Why does she change the story?
Just something you might’ve missed, on page 5, there’s some exposition in parenthesis, but it’s structured like an unconnected sentence. There are some issues with tone, where some parts are more formal, as though recording a tale, and others are more like a conversation, especially at the end of the story. I do really like how the narrator seems unreliable. How much of the story is her own perception, such as the reasoning behind others’ actions or the people on the bus laughing at her?
Dear Daphne,
On the surface, this is a simple story, just a conversation between two people who might be flirting and otherwise are finding someone they connect with in a little glimpse of time. It’s nearly just dialogue and the narrator’s thoughts. There’s no real description for the setting outside of “grocery store” but that makes sense, since everyone knows what a grocery store looks like. I love the sweetness of this, of someone getting a crush, of a little look into a life and something could be between these men but could just as likely be a passing moment. One of my favorite little things is the strange mirroring of who Louis tells his mother he’s going on a date with(a woman he met at the store named Henrietta) and who the man he meets is(a man he met at the store named Henry).
I feel like as much as this story has, between the fun moments and funny comments the narrator makes to the reader, it’s still kind of bare. Not much happens, and while it doesn’t seem likely that the conversation will go on much longer or the narrator to give Henry his number or something like that, I want to know what the narrator would do after this. Is he going to continue living the same way he has so far, or is he going to try to change it up? Is he going to take a chance, maybe see Henry at the check out and speak to him again? The story just feels so short and leaves me wondering what the point is, how the narrator and his life would change other than gaining a crush.
Daphne:
This is such an engaging start to this story! I was so invested by the end of the story, I’m a sucker for good characters who feel real, which you did super well. The hyper specificity of the main character’s interests and life provide a lot of insight on the type of person they are. The same goes for the mother and the man at the grocery store. I like that you kept the mother’s location a mystery, it just added to the feeling of disconnect between the main character and her. As for suggestions, I just wanted more from the two men. I was invested in their interaction and just wanted them to meet again, maybe a month or so later in the same place or something? I thought the inner monologue about the struggles of sexuality and love could be something to be explored too. The amount of characterization you fit in in just a few pages is staggering! Really well done!
Daphne, I am so fond of your writing style for the main reason that it reminds me of my own. Your ending has grown on me since Professor Miller did say himself that a short story should leave your audience wanting more, and I think I could speak for the whole class when I say that we do. Your main character is intriguing and the man in the yellow tie isn’t actually lacking anything since I think you’d rather him come off as mysterious since we’re just introduced to him like our protagonist. I loved the wheel of fortune reference; I loved the cheese reference because I myself LOVE brie (my dad raised me on cheese), and you went in an amazing direction with the dialogue- not too much and enough of a story to make your audience want to read more. Your decision to humanize both characters is also really intriguing. I found that I loved how the main character wasn’t a teenager, I felt that making it a thirty-year-old gay man in a grocery isle made it realer, and that their interaction was very natural. The tidbits you added about your character made the story natural, you didn’t add too may and you added just enough uniqueness to keep your audience invested.
Miranda, I feel that you used the word “unceremonious” too many times, but the plot twist so early in your story is very intriguing. I love how often you use the word “love” or similar words to it, I think that’s a beautiful theme that you’ve established rather early. I think that this is a really good story and that you really worked your audience into wanting to read more. I feel that the detail that they’re twins only emphasizes the feelings of the story overall.
Dear Miranda, I loved the presences of the pancakes throughout the story acting as a sort of physical manifestation of guilt. I think it was a great way to show the characters inner turmoil without outright telling it to the audience. I think they also functioned as a great way to sort of show how the perception of Bonnie changed over the time she was gone. In the beginning, when she was still present, she was very well out together and sparkly (a tall stack of pancakes with whipped cream on top) and now that she’s disappeared she’s just become someone’s lost sister. I also really like the detail of them being twins, I think it adds a lot of drama especially where the parents are concerned. I think the only thing I was left wondering about was, of course, what happened to Bonnie, as it seemed like she was really young when she first ran away, and I worry about how she managed to run away so successfully at such a young age. Great job!
Daphne: I really enjoyed the way you set up this story. The dialogue was really well set up and executed. This is a story about 2 people who meet at a grocery store and instantly click. I like how simple and cute this story is it gives me butterflies reading it. The flirting isn’t too cheesy but isn’t too confusing you do a good job at giving just enough where its natural and cute. I suggest at the end maybe giving us a little more to look forward to maybe a little hint that they may meet again or a cute little “He hands me a paper crumbled up and walks away- its his receipt with his phone number on it” or something I feel like that would give us a little more closure on what could happen next if the story were to continue.
Miranda: This story really pulled on my heart. I could feel the emotion through the dialogue. The use of raw emotion and sadness was portrayed very well. It almost gives a mysterious feeling at times trying to investigate what could’ve happened it leaves me curious to read more. This story is about a struggling family with lack of parenting and the narrators sister running away leaving the narrator to step up and make a living of her own independently. The ending left me a little sad I was hoping for a little more closure. Overall I loved this story!