Dear Bridget,
I enjoyed your story of a depressed college student finding enjoyment and hope once again after encountering a mysterious man named Virgil. I loved how self-aware the narrator was, especially with their own depressed state and loneliness. I feel like this story captured the escence of hypercriticism against superficiality, which personally reminded me of “The Catcher in the Rye” and the idea of most other people being ‘phonies.’ The narrator, concerned with emotional connection to things, clearly values the care and passion put into many of the classics, something they feel has been lost with the surge of technology and social media we see today, a theme so prevalent in today’s society. A question I have is whether or not gender would play a role at all in this story, as the highly empathetic outpouring of emotion the narrator seems to experience is stereotypically associated with women and is often critiqued, especially in online settings. I also wonder how the title plays into the short story. May I suggest a title associated with classic literature or authenticity?
Hope that helps!
Rachel
Dear Mackie,
This story follows Valerie as she relives her trauma but from an outside perspective and in hindsight. She struggles with how she felt in the moment versus how she feels now as she is reliving everything. I think this was written very well. You were able to describe the feelings that Valeria has so vividly. I particularly love how you portrayed the mother. I think oftentimes the mother in a situation like this is villanized, as she was in Valerie’s mind, when in reality she was just doing the best she could. Sometimes it can be hard to write stories with these out-of-body experiences but I think you were able to capture what it would be like. I think something that may improve this story is spending more time on the father and brother. Obviously losing them was earth-shattering for Valerie and her mother but it was hard for me to empathize with them just because we as the readers don’t know the brother and dad as well. They are more background characters that kind of get mentioned but aren’t someone memorable. If you could somehow show us a bit more of their personalities and their impact on their family it would make the emotions that Valerie is going through in seeing them again so much more potent.
Dear Mackie,
The story of Valerie’s second near-death experience was absolutely heart-wrenching. I think you did a wonderful job of showcasing how grief swallows people up, while also showing Valerie realize she needed to be kinder to her mom since they only had each other now. I really like how you focused on the present day and then went back to show the day the accident occurred and a fight between Valerie and her mom to showcase the changes in the family over time. I wonder if this story could benefit from more details regarding the argument when Valerie was fourteen. I also think that we should have more information about the dad and brother since we don’t get very much of them throughout the story, but that’s up to you. Overall, I really liked it and can’t wait to read more.
Hope this is helpful!
Rachel
Dear Bridget,
I love this story I thought it was adorable and I really like the incorporation of Virgil, how outgoing he was, able to get the narrator out of her shell so quickly. You really get a sense of the narrators frame of mind also throughout this story which I feel is written really well, not only letting us see into her mind but it is done in a poetic way which works so well because it matches the narrators personality with being into feelings and the classics. I love the image of the ivy and the snow and the descriptions overall, really helped me see exactly what was happening and I feel like the setting is the perfect one for this narrator and this story overall. I think my only suggestion would be to clarify at the beginning maybe a tad earlier that this was the narrators last semester in college. At first reading the first page I was under the impression that it was the narrators first semester as a freshman since it was talked about how the mom was ready to get rid of her kid after raising her for 18 years. But overall really good job, I love this interaction, it does seem movie like, but I love that about it. Great job!
Dear Mackie,
There is a lot to unpack in your short story. Personally I think the set up of it is really well done. I like that we get a glimpse of the present and then are sent back into this flashback of a car accident that changes the narrators life because of a car hitting the narrator in the preset. That irony I think works really well. Emotion is strongly felt in this story and it is a tear jerker which I think you made work very well especially with the dialogue that you used, it really felt like your classic young teen girl fighting with her mom. A young teen girl who doesn’t understand her mom is just trying to protect and do what she thinks is best for her kid. This story could for sure be made into a longer work, but I think the way you presented it makes it work really well as a short story, zooming in on this incident of being hit by a car but also providing background on why this is such a big moment that allows the narrator to have a coming to realization moment as to how she has been treating her mother in a way that is not typical. I think this shift in the narrator is a significant one however where it is left off I think allows for it to have some form of an ending but it could 100% be continued to be a lengthier work. But with it being a short story I like where it was left, giving us just enough to feel satisfied, knowing the relationship with the narrator and her mother will be forever changed. Great job!
Bridget, I really liked this story. It felt and read almost like poetry. Everything was so beautiful described and unearthed as we moved along with our narrator. I think it showed the highs and lows of college, how excited you are to get away, but also how hard it is to figure out when you are thinking about the next steps. As a second semester senior myself, I see myself within our narrator. How she is contemplating what the next steps for her are, and what she is going to do with herself once this chapter closes. I think you did it really well explaining the background of our character and how life has changed over time for her. I also really loved the introduction of Virgil, I think his character was such a vast difference to our narrator but it worked in such a perfect way. I think that expanding upon their relationship and what it means to the narrator, and what she is looking forward to after meeting him, would really expand the story. Adding his character shows just how much better things get once you find someone who gets you and understands who you are.
To start, throughout the story it felt like it had an almost conversational tone. It felt like perhaps the narrator was confiding in us or a close friend about this eventful night. I liked the story’s themes of being wrapped up in academia. Highlighting the “relentless march” of a semester was a very effective way of setting up this character we are listening to. You captured well what it is like to have mixed emotions about leaving your family to be in a new place almost entirely separated from them. When it came to describing the dormitory you painted a beautifully fantastical image of what this building looked like. The detail of the library and dormitory being similar in style helps identify how the two are likely equally as old. When it came to the library, you spectacularly outlined an interesting scene. You built it up to have such an intense mystique, making it out to be labyrinthine in nature and showing that there are parts not frequented often by many. I would have loved to see an expansion of this setting. Getting into the why and how the narrator is so familiar with the library, and maybe allowing the later half of the story take place over a bit of a longer time frame but within this corner or similarly secluded parts of this library.
This was a very emotionally charged piece. The setup was interesting with the cozy house that just needed to be left behind. The hinting and eventual revelation of the accident was done very well. This story shined with a feeling of what it is like to be trapped in your own head, trapped in your own memories. Particularly when the narrator was trying desperately to interact with her family one last time, but the scene carried on without her control. The light transitions I felt were an interesting touch, acting as a sort of reset as we jump from memory to memory. The realization of her mistreating her mother was also a nice touch. You captured quite well, what it is like to realize that you have been mistreating or misunderstanding someone who you deeply care about.
Mackie:
I really liked this story! There were a lot of things to love in here, including the really detailed descriptions of the setting (particularly the descriptions of the snow and storm), the dialogue, and the characters. The descriptions evoked a lot of imagery, and I had a pretty clear image of the isolated house that shivers with the cold storm. I loved the dialogue you included. The fight between the mother and daughter both at the start and midway through felt important and well placed. I thought the narrator’s journey was convincing, like their change was earned after witnessing all the pain she’s caused her mother by not working through their issues together. For things I want to see more of, I want more on the brother and dad (what do they like to do, how do they look?). I wanted to care more about the brother in particular when they died (I thought the dad was well developed). I wouldn’t add any additional flashbacks, I feel like what you have chosen to include supports the narrator’s growth enough to warrant leaving those as is. A question I have just for curiosity is how old is the narrator at the present time of the story? Really great work!
Bridget:
This story was a really enjoyable read! The thing that stood out from the very beginning that was really impressive was the character’s voice. The examples they focus on, their view of other people, and the things they notice all felt integral to the story. It felt like every sentence was building upon the last, which was really interesting. The way the sentences were constructed and arranged really worked for me. I loved the descriptions, particularly the line about the ivy (beauty is pain)! As for things I would suggest or just have general confusion on, I guess I just want more clarity on Virgil’s cave and Virgil in general. He kinda felt like a red flag the second we were introduced to them just because the narrator was alone, at night in the library and she follows him outside even though they’ve never met. I wish we could’ve gotten some more reasoning to why the narrator feels she can trust him other than his looks or charm. I would also welcome more description of the narrator’s dorm room.
Dear Bridget,
My favorite part of this story was trying to figure out the main character. I get a very eccentric vibe from them, which was fun to read and try to puzzle out. The internal dialogue was great and I loved how the descriptions of the world were filtered through our characters point of view, making the descriptions more interesting (I.e. the bit about the ivy on the wall). I will say I was definitely expecting a different twist with Virgil, my alarm bells were definitely ringing as he was bringing our main character into the woods, and even when it was revealed he had no bands intentions I was still a bit suspicious. Maybe a little more on their conversation in the library to establish Virgil as a more credible guy? I get the feeling he runs on the same wavelength as our main character, but it feels more like speculation rather than a credible fact. Fun story!
Dear Mackie,
There’s a really clear character arc here, which is great. I like how we can follow the characters growth instead of them just suddenly switching a the end of the story, I think it adds a lot of believability to your story. The mother daughter conflict felt real, and I liked how the mother was struggling alongside the daughter, she just showed it differently. My one suggestion would be to play around with contractions a little – there we’re a few times I got pulled out of the story a bit when a character would say something like “I am” etc etc instead of “I’m” etc etc. There are definitely points in the story where no contractions work, but there was a point at the end where the daughter was apologizing to her mom and my focus went away from the emotion of the moment to how properly it felt like the daughter was saying “I am so sorry”. Great work!
Dear Bridget,
This is the story of a college student finding new hope and excitement in a new friend. I enjoy the visuals of your story. The way you describe the dorms and the walk to the cave is beautiful. I also appreciate that the reader can glean the narrator’s personality just from how they speak. It’s injected straight into the style, partly because they tell the reader their thoughts on nearly everything they come across, which could be a character thing(i.e. Showing the narrator may be judgmental, which, admittedly, she does come across as).
There is the matter of exposition and telling rather than showing. Everything the reader finds out about the narrator, their family, and the life they’ve lived so far has been entirely dependent on what the narrator says instead of what they observe or in dialogue, which brings their perspective and integrity into question. What if they’re perceiving the world differently? The reader should be able to figure some things out themselves.
I do like Virgil in the sense that he provides mystery and a companion to the narrator, but the way they act around each other doesn’t feel real, instead seeming too good to be true. First, the narrator immediately trusts him and he simply asks her to follow him, bringing her to a secondary location. Maybe she could recognize him from a couple past classes or they have a conversation about how he recently transferred to the college. Everything about him makes me not trust him and second guess what his intentions are, especially when he expects the narrator to trust him immediately.
Dear Mackie,
I liked your story of Valerie as she realized and relived the pain that changed her own and her mother’s lives. The character felt like a real teenager who still gets angry with their parents but knows to take time to cool off. In the first scene she felt sort of like a petulant child, but I like that it only comes across that way because she’s lying and trying not to let her mom know her real intentions.
An aspect of the story I enjoyed was the helplessness and emotional turmoil Valerie goes through during her flashback. She immediately realizes it’s no use trying to yell or trying to change the past, but she does it anyway, even trying to simply comfort her mother near the end. I especially liked that part, where she sees the pain she caused her mother and immediately tried to fix it.
Unfortunately something about your story rubbed me the wrong way. I’m still not quite sure what it is, but I think the pacing is a part of the problem. The story feels very quick despite giving the reader a lot of information through dialogue and action, possibly because there’s so many different scenes in the dream sequence. I believe there are seven different settings(bedroom, kitchen, outside, in the car, church, etc.) without much time to let the reader settle into any of them except maybe the first home scene and the walk. I think it would be better to let them transition rather than suddenly switching to where Valerie needs to be. That might be easier for the reader to follow, since they aren’t as familiar with these places as Valerie is.
This story was very approachable and enjoyable, Mackie!! You had some really good dialogue, and it was definitely a piece of reflection. I was just expecting it to be more angsty, but it wasn’t- in a good way. It was really good! It just needs a title. I found myself loving the comparison of the message burning a hole in her pocket and her mother’s eyes burning into her, too. Great use of comparison, again. When you wrote “After everything we’d gone through, she still looked so young.” I loved the way you set up the rest pf the story. And the use of the word young here stood out to me. Later in this paragraph you wrote “Her dark eyes were filled with sadness, telling stories about how much we have suffered.” Just felt really well written. Again, love your use of the word suffered here. I can feel alongside Valerie when you wrote “As if my question took everything out of her to answer” because the mother must be tired of repeating herself, but I can also see why Valerie would be fed up with her responses even if she understands why her mother is so protective. I think that really shows through at the end when she’s just happy to see her mother.
This story was really interesting, Bridget! I love the way you really delved into descriptors and the five senses as you were writing. “A rustic oasis of a campus where the fresh air carried notes of pine and existential dread” was so beautifully written, I really liked it! I also loved how funny and comedic you write, especially introducing the mother as a complex character and giving us background so early. I enjoyed the way you describe the dorms and give us a setting when you said “Yes, it is detrimental to the integrity of the structure, but beauty is pain, and if we humans must abide by that rule then so too should these buildings.” I just thought this was an interesting sentence set up, too, you write very smartly. I love how you added the art piece to your story as well! I feel the same way, I enjoy classics and it made me so happy to read that you incorporated that tidbit into the story. Makes her feel more human. Same with the worms, too. As she was trudging up the stairs I couldn’t helped but be reminded of Decary, that made me laugh. You have great audience connection with your descriptors, too. You blended the time transitions really well, and again, you have a great use of senses when writing.
11 thoughts on “JOURNAL # 17”
Dear Bridget,
I enjoyed your story of a depressed college student finding enjoyment and hope once again after encountering a mysterious man named Virgil. I loved how self-aware the narrator was, especially with their own depressed state and loneliness. I feel like this story captured the escence of hypercriticism against superficiality, which personally reminded me of “The Catcher in the Rye” and the idea of most other people being ‘phonies.’ The narrator, concerned with emotional connection to things, clearly values the care and passion put into many of the classics, something they feel has been lost with the surge of technology and social media we see today, a theme so prevalent in today’s society. A question I have is whether or not gender would play a role at all in this story, as the highly empathetic outpouring of emotion the narrator seems to experience is stereotypically associated with women and is often critiqued, especially in online settings. I also wonder how the title plays into the short story. May I suggest a title associated with classic literature or authenticity?
Hope that helps!
Rachel
Dear Mackie,
This story follows Valerie as she relives her trauma but from an outside perspective and in hindsight. She struggles with how she felt in the moment versus how she feels now as she is reliving everything. I think this was written very well. You were able to describe the feelings that Valeria has so vividly. I particularly love how you portrayed the mother. I think oftentimes the mother in a situation like this is villanized, as she was in Valerie’s mind, when in reality she was just doing the best she could. Sometimes it can be hard to write stories with these out-of-body experiences but I think you were able to capture what it would be like. I think something that may improve this story is spending more time on the father and brother. Obviously losing them was earth-shattering for Valerie and her mother but it was hard for me to empathize with them just because we as the readers don’t know the brother and dad as well. They are more background characters that kind of get mentioned but aren’t someone memorable. If you could somehow show us a bit more of their personalities and their impact on their family it would make the emotions that Valerie is going through in seeing them again so much more potent.
Dear Mackie,
The story of Valerie’s second near-death experience was absolutely heart-wrenching. I think you did a wonderful job of showcasing how grief swallows people up, while also showing Valerie realize she needed to be kinder to her mom since they only had each other now. I really like how you focused on the present day and then went back to show the day the accident occurred and a fight between Valerie and her mom to showcase the changes in the family over time. I wonder if this story could benefit from more details regarding the argument when Valerie was fourteen. I also think that we should have more information about the dad and brother since we don’t get very much of them throughout the story, but that’s up to you. Overall, I really liked it and can’t wait to read more.
Hope this is helpful!
Rachel
Dear Bridget,
I love this story I thought it was adorable and I really like the incorporation of Virgil, how outgoing he was, able to get the narrator out of her shell so quickly. You really get a sense of the narrators frame of mind also throughout this story which I feel is written really well, not only letting us see into her mind but it is done in a poetic way which works so well because it matches the narrators personality with being into feelings and the classics. I love the image of the ivy and the snow and the descriptions overall, really helped me see exactly what was happening and I feel like the setting is the perfect one for this narrator and this story overall. I think my only suggestion would be to clarify at the beginning maybe a tad earlier that this was the narrators last semester in college. At first reading the first page I was under the impression that it was the narrators first semester as a freshman since it was talked about how the mom was ready to get rid of her kid after raising her for 18 years. But overall really good job, I love this interaction, it does seem movie like, but I love that about it. Great job!
Dear Mackie,
There is a lot to unpack in your short story. Personally I think the set up of it is really well done. I like that we get a glimpse of the present and then are sent back into this flashback of a car accident that changes the narrators life because of a car hitting the narrator in the preset. That irony I think works really well. Emotion is strongly felt in this story and it is a tear jerker which I think you made work very well especially with the dialogue that you used, it really felt like your classic young teen girl fighting with her mom. A young teen girl who doesn’t understand her mom is just trying to protect and do what she thinks is best for her kid. This story could for sure be made into a longer work, but I think the way you presented it makes it work really well as a short story, zooming in on this incident of being hit by a car but also providing background on why this is such a big moment that allows the narrator to have a coming to realization moment as to how she has been treating her mother in a way that is not typical. I think this shift in the narrator is a significant one however where it is left off I think allows for it to have some form of an ending but it could 100% be continued to be a lengthier work. But with it being a short story I like where it was left, giving us just enough to feel satisfied, knowing the relationship with the narrator and her mother will be forever changed. Great job!
Bridget, I really liked this story. It felt and read almost like poetry. Everything was so beautiful described and unearthed as we moved along with our narrator. I think it showed the highs and lows of college, how excited you are to get away, but also how hard it is to figure out when you are thinking about the next steps. As a second semester senior myself, I see myself within our narrator. How she is contemplating what the next steps for her are, and what she is going to do with herself once this chapter closes. I think you did it really well explaining the background of our character and how life has changed over time for her. I also really loved the introduction of Virgil, I think his character was such a vast difference to our narrator but it worked in such a perfect way. I think that expanding upon their relationship and what it means to the narrator, and what she is looking forward to after meeting him, would really expand the story. Adding his character shows just how much better things get once you find someone who gets you and understands who you are.
Bridget,
To start, throughout the story it felt like it had an almost conversational tone. It felt like perhaps the narrator was confiding in us or a close friend about this eventful night. I liked the story’s themes of being wrapped up in academia. Highlighting the “relentless march” of a semester was a very effective way of setting up this character we are listening to. You captured well what it is like to have mixed emotions about leaving your family to be in a new place almost entirely separated from them. When it came to describing the dormitory you painted a beautifully fantastical image of what this building looked like. The detail of the library and dormitory being similar in style helps identify how the two are likely equally as old. When it came to the library, you spectacularly outlined an interesting scene. You built it up to have such an intense mystique, making it out to be labyrinthine in nature and showing that there are parts not frequented often by many. I would have loved to see an expansion of this setting. Getting into the why and how the narrator is so familiar with the library, and maybe allowing the later half of the story take place over a bit of a longer time frame but within this corner or similarly secluded parts of this library.
Reply
Mackie,
This was a very emotionally charged piece. The setup was interesting with the cozy house that just needed to be left behind. The hinting and eventual revelation of the accident was done very well. This story shined with a feeling of what it is like to be trapped in your own head, trapped in your own memories. Particularly when the narrator was trying desperately to interact with her family one last time, but the scene carried on without her control. The light transitions I felt were an interesting touch, acting as a sort of reset as we jump from memory to memory. The realization of her mistreating her mother was also a nice touch. You captured quite well, what it is like to realize that you have been mistreating or misunderstanding someone who you deeply care about.
Mackie:
I really liked this story! There were a lot of things to love in here, including the really detailed descriptions of the setting (particularly the descriptions of the snow and storm), the dialogue, and the characters. The descriptions evoked a lot of imagery, and I had a pretty clear image of the isolated house that shivers with the cold storm. I loved the dialogue you included. The fight between the mother and daughter both at the start and midway through felt important and well placed. I thought the narrator’s journey was convincing, like their change was earned after witnessing all the pain she’s caused her mother by not working through their issues together. For things I want to see more of, I want more on the brother and dad (what do they like to do, how do they look?). I wanted to care more about the brother in particular when they died (I thought the dad was well developed). I wouldn’t add any additional flashbacks, I feel like what you have chosen to include supports the narrator’s growth enough to warrant leaving those as is. A question I have just for curiosity is how old is the narrator at the present time of the story? Really great work!
Bridget:
This story was a really enjoyable read! The thing that stood out from the very beginning that was really impressive was the character’s voice. The examples they focus on, their view of other people, and the things they notice all felt integral to the story. It felt like every sentence was building upon the last, which was really interesting. The way the sentences were constructed and arranged really worked for me. I loved the descriptions, particularly the line about the ivy (beauty is pain)! As for things I would suggest or just have general confusion on, I guess I just want more clarity on Virgil’s cave and Virgil in general. He kinda felt like a red flag the second we were introduced to them just because the narrator was alone, at night in the library and she follows him outside even though they’ve never met. I wish we could’ve gotten some more reasoning to why the narrator feels she can trust him other than his looks or charm. I would also welcome more description of the narrator’s dorm room.
Dear Bridget,
My favorite part of this story was trying to figure out the main character. I get a very eccentric vibe from them, which was fun to read and try to puzzle out. The internal dialogue was great and I loved how the descriptions of the world were filtered through our characters point of view, making the descriptions more interesting (I.e. the bit about the ivy on the wall). I will say I was definitely expecting a different twist with Virgil, my alarm bells were definitely ringing as he was bringing our main character into the woods, and even when it was revealed he had no bands intentions I was still a bit suspicious. Maybe a little more on their conversation in the library to establish Virgil as a more credible guy? I get the feeling he runs on the same wavelength as our main character, but it feels more like speculation rather than a credible fact. Fun story!
Dear Mackie,
There’s a really clear character arc here, which is great. I like how we can follow the characters growth instead of them just suddenly switching a the end of the story, I think it adds a lot of believability to your story. The mother daughter conflict felt real, and I liked how the mother was struggling alongside the daughter, she just showed it differently. My one suggestion would be to play around with contractions a little – there we’re a few times I got pulled out of the story a bit when a character would say something like “I am” etc etc instead of “I’m” etc etc. There are definitely points in the story where no contractions work, but there was a point at the end where the daughter was apologizing to her mom and my focus went away from the emotion of the moment to how properly it felt like the daughter was saying “I am so sorry”. Great work!
Dear Bridget,
This is the story of a college student finding new hope and excitement in a new friend. I enjoy the visuals of your story. The way you describe the dorms and the walk to the cave is beautiful. I also appreciate that the reader can glean the narrator’s personality just from how they speak. It’s injected straight into the style, partly because they tell the reader their thoughts on nearly everything they come across, which could be a character thing(i.e. Showing the narrator may be judgmental, which, admittedly, she does come across as).
There is the matter of exposition and telling rather than showing. Everything the reader finds out about the narrator, their family, and the life they’ve lived so far has been entirely dependent on what the narrator says instead of what they observe or in dialogue, which brings their perspective and integrity into question. What if they’re perceiving the world differently? The reader should be able to figure some things out themselves.
I do like Virgil in the sense that he provides mystery and a companion to the narrator, but the way they act around each other doesn’t feel real, instead seeming too good to be true. First, the narrator immediately trusts him and he simply asks her to follow him, bringing her to a secondary location. Maybe she could recognize him from a couple past classes or they have a conversation about how he recently transferred to the college. Everything about him makes me not trust him and second guess what his intentions are, especially when he expects the narrator to trust him immediately.
Dear Mackie,
I liked your story of Valerie as she realized and relived the pain that changed her own and her mother’s lives. The character felt like a real teenager who still gets angry with their parents but knows to take time to cool off. In the first scene she felt sort of like a petulant child, but I like that it only comes across that way because she’s lying and trying not to let her mom know her real intentions.
An aspect of the story I enjoyed was the helplessness and emotional turmoil Valerie goes through during her flashback. She immediately realizes it’s no use trying to yell or trying to change the past, but she does it anyway, even trying to simply comfort her mother near the end. I especially liked that part, where she sees the pain she caused her mother and immediately tried to fix it.
Unfortunately something about your story rubbed me the wrong way. I’m still not quite sure what it is, but I think the pacing is a part of the problem. The story feels very quick despite giving the reader a lot of information through dialogue and action, possibly because there’s so many different scenes in the dream sequence. I believe there are seven different settings(bedroom, kitchen, outside, in the car, church, etc.) without much time to let the reader settle into any of them except maybe the first home scene and the walk. I think it would be better to let them transition rather than suddenly switching to where Valerie needs to be. That might be easier for the reader to follow, since they aren’t as familiar with these places as Valerie is.
This story was very approachable and enjoyable, Mackie!! You had some really good dialogue, and it was definitely a piece of reflection. I was just expecting it to be more angsty, but it wasn’t- in a good way. It was really good! It just needs a title. I found myself loving the comparison of the message burning a hole in her pocket and her mother’s eyes burning into her, too. Great use of comparison, again. When you wrote “After everything we’d gone through, she still looked so young.” I loved the way you set up the rest pf the story. And the use of the word young here stood out to me. Later in this paragraph you wrote “Her dark eyes were filled with sadness, telling stories about how much we have suffered.” Just felt really well written. Again, love your use of the word suffered here. I can feel alongside Valerie when you wrote “As if my question took everything out of her to answer” because the mother must be tired of repeating herself, but I can also see why Valerie would be fed up with her responses even if she understands why her mother is so protective. I think that really shows through at the end when she’s just happy to see her mother.
This story was really interesting, Bridget! I love the way you really delved into descriptors and the five senses as you were writing. “A rustic oasis of a campus where the fresh air carried notes of pine and existential dread” was so beautifully written, I really liked it! I also loved how funny and comedic you write, especially introducing the mother as a complex character and giving us background so early. I enjoyed the way you describe the dorms and give us a setting when you said “Yes, it is detrimental to the integrity of the structure, but beauty is pain, and if we humans must abide by that rule then so too should these buildings.” I just thought this was an interesting sentence set up, too, you write very smartly. I love how you added the art piece to your story as well! I feel the same way, I enjoy classics and it made me so happy to read that you incorporated that tidbit into the story. Makes her feel more human. Same with the worms, too. As she was trudging up the stairs I couldn’t helped but be reminded of Decary, that made me laugh. You have great audience connection with your descriptors, too. You blended the time transitions really well, and again, you have a great use of senses when writing.