To start,Throughout the story it felt like it had an almost conversational tone. It felt like perhaps the narrator was confiding in us or a close friend about this eventful night. I liked the story’s themes of being wrapped up in academia. Highlighting the “relentless march” of a semester was a very effective way of setting up this character we are listening to. You captured well what it is like to have mixed emotions about leaving your family to be in a new place almost entirely separated from them. When it came to describing the dormitory you painted a beautifully fantastical image of what this building looked like. The detail of the library and dormitory being similar in style helps identify how the two are likely equally as old. When it came to the library, you spectacularly outlined an interesting scene. You built it up to have such an intense mystique, making it out to be labyrinthine in nature and showing that there are parts not frequented often by many. I would have loved to see an expansion of this setting. Getting into the why and how the narrator is so familiar with the library, and maybe allowing the later half of the story take place over a bit of a longer time frame but within this corner or similarly secluded parts of this library.
This was a very emotionally charged piece. The setup was interesting with the cozy house that just needed to be left behind. The hinting and eventual revelation of the accident was done very well. This story shined with a feeling of what it is like to be trapped in your own head, trapped in your own memories. Particularly when the narrator was trying desperately to interact with her family one last time, but the scene carried on without her control. The light transitions I felt were an interesting touch, acting as a sort of reset as we jump from memory to memory. The realization of her mistreating her mother was also a nice touch. You captured quite well, what it is like to realize that you have been mistreating or misunderstanding someone who you deeply care about.
Dear Cammy,
Your story had me fully engaged and eager to find out what happened next throughout all of it. I would say that this is the story of a college girl dealing with guilt from allowing her boy friend take the blame for her drunk driving and killing a pedestrian. This topic is really loaded and there are so many different directions that this story could have gone in. I didn’t know which direction it was going to go in but Greyson dying and April confessing and going to jail after Greyson dies were both huge twists that actually made my jaw drop. I liked that you alluded to what actually happened in that car accident throughout the story, allowing the reader to put the pieces together and be able to figure out what happened that night and then you actually told the reader exactly what happened but through April saying goodbye and sorry to Greyson after he died which I think was really effective. I think that the major moment you are showing here is Greyson dying and April going to jail after being caught in her lie but the glimmer of hope with getting her act together and making some progress as a character was also very effective and as a reader nice to see the progression. It also helped us get good background information on her personality and potentially her relationship with Greyson before this bigger moment happened. I like that the car accident wasn’t really the big moment, instead it was what happened due to the car accident. Who knows what the story would have been if the car accident didn’t happen. Maybe they would be dating, going to the same college and looking at places to live together after graduation (assuming their relationship is a romantic one). Or maybe they would have broken up if the crash never happened and maybe April would be dating someone else. Like I said this car accident set up allowed for you to really run with this idea and I think there is a lot you did well here. One question I had was right at the beginning on page one about how April would call 911 and then hang up, never being able to bring herself to talk. I know in movies and stuff they are able to trace calls like that where they don’t say anything just in case it’s some sort of situation where the victim couldn’t talk because of being with a captor or something. So, I was just wondering how that worked logistically here because wouldn’t they be able to trace all of these calls back to her and then maybe bring her in for questioning? Maybe that could be incorporated into the story as it progresses if you wanted to take it in that direction but otherwise maybe change that part to just talking about how she would sit in the parking lot and never go in. Otherwise, this story is really well written and it kept me engaged and I think you also executed the intense parts well with shorter sentences and not using big fancy or elegant language. Well done!
Dear Mya,
I really liked your ending and your small twist of the mysterious man suddenly leaving. It really is no harm that he left since the waitress (Miss Jordan) didn’t even really place his order and he only got water that was most likely free. It really leaves the reader wondering so many things: What did Hal HAVE to tell Miss Jordan? Will Miss Jordan ever find out what Hal had to say? Why did that mystery guy really come in and why did he leave so abruptly? Did he feel uncomfortable by Miss Jordan or was he intentionally trying to make an impact on Miss Jordan, so he was memorable to her and maybe prompted her to change? I like that these things aren’t answered and I think that showing this moment with the man really does show a shift in Miss Jordan’s personality in that she “pushes away the fear of change” toward the end after the mysterious man walks out before eating. I would say this is the story of a small town waitress that has never left her hometown, who flirts with the idea of change and travel in her mind after a new face interrupts her stable, never changing life routine. I really like the lead up to this encounter with the mysterious newcomer. It really allows the reader to see how Miss Jordan thinks and get to know the setting in which gets disrupted by the relatively mysterious traveler. I think the ending really works well also, leaving the reader with the sense of a bit of a chill, really allowing for the reader’s imagination to continue to run rampant with questions and wonder about what happens. Does Miss Jordan leave? Does she decide to run out and chase the man? Does she stay in her well known routine and wait to hear Hal’s important story? Does Hal’s story alter her thinking either further toward wanting to leave or maybe scare her into staying? Or will she maybe never find out about Hal and she leaves before then? Maybe she even packs up and leaves before sunrise? There is so much potential and possibilities with what could happen here and I personally don’t think any of this should be answered for the reader because it then has a greater effect, no matter how much I want to know what Hal had to say. I think my only question or clarification point I guess would be the mention of Hal driving 16-wheelers for a living. I have really only ever heard them be called 18-wheelers and yes both of them exist. I just figured I would bring it up because maybe it is a regional thing, maybe 16-wheelers are more abundant in Ohio where the story is set vs say in New England where we are/ where I am from. Anyways, I loved this story and I think the fact that you can’t infer exactly how this shift affected Miss Jordan is really interesting and effective in that it leaves the reader wanting more and will most likely stay on a reader’s mind longer than if we were to know what she chose to do with this encounter. Overall, great job!
Mya,
I loved your story about a waitress who is simulatenously bored of her monotonous life and job within Fremont, Ohio but also terrified of change. I think fear of change is extremely common in people, especially when the only danger in not taking risk is missed opportunity, and many see it as worth it. I wonder why you focused so much on emphasizing Fremont, Ohio, as I have never travelled west of New York and have always lived in New England. I love how you including the details of Hal always ordering the same meal and getting in at the same time, as well as the narrator being very used to this and having a ‘shallow’ friendship with Hal— they don’t talk about anything super deep, but they talk and Hal always leaves a five for the narrator. I also like the detail of the narrator having a one-sided interest in the newcomer, as it made the story feel much more tangible. I wonder what would happen if we learned more about the newcomer, or at least more of the narrator’s theories at to who he is, as the boot detail seemed very specific but didn’t, at least to me, tie in as much as I would’ve expected. Hope this is helpful!
-Rachel
Dear Cammy,
This story is about a girl struggling with her guilt over her boyfriend taking responsibility for her actions. We watch her evolve and overcome a bit of that guilt until she finds out her boyfriend has died in prison and she must fess up. WOW, this story kept me engaged the whole time. I think you did a really great job getting into the head of your narrator, April. You captured her anxiety and guilt very well. I also think your dialogue was done very well. It didn’t seem stilted, it flowed just like regular conversation. I think one thing that would maybe improve this story is to make Greyson have some stronger emotions. Maybe have some flashbacks to before the accidents to see how much Greyson loved April and how much he believed in her future to make it more believable that he would take the blame for her.
Dear Mya,
This story is about a waitress working at a diner who yearns to leave Ohio. We get to see her encounter a couple of customers and realize she can get out. I think this story was really good and I thoroughly enjoyed it. The wanting to get away from home is very relatable. I really like this mystery man character. I have no clue if he was really there or not but regardless I think his presence was intriguing. One thing that I think would help the flow of the story is to maybe not repeat the notion of the narrator wanting to get out so many times. It is of course a very key part of her, but the constant yearning to leave almost takes away from the rest of the story.
Cammy,
This piece had an overall quite fascinating narrative. After concluding this reading, I found myself wanting more. The story and characters you presented are interesting enough, but the situation you put them in, is what really drives the piece. I found myself wondering about the whole context around everything that has happened. I would love to see the drama and weight of the court trials. While this is a first-person narrative, I found myself wanting to see Greyson’s side of the story as well to get a little glimpse on how he feels in all this. I would have loved to see a little more from the relationship between the narrator and Greyson. I felt that they cared for each other, but I would have liked a little more interaction to show us a little more of that. Despite this, I do find it quite a neat touch to allow the story to explain their care for each other through Greyson’s actions and the narrator’s thoughts and anxieties. The ending I found particularly odd, but not in a bad way. The choice to have the narrator end up getting arrested anyways threw me for a loop, but it provided closure for the narrator. If it was a bit more drawn out perhaps to give it a little more depth to really drive home that the weight was lifted.
Mya,
This story had a very interesting concept surrounding self imprisonment. You detailed well what it’s like for someone to chain themselves to a monotony due to it being familiar. What particularly describes this in your writing is the narrator’s desire to move on and experience the world but stick to her self-admitted boring life. I found the inclusion stood out in terms of intrigue. He shows up and immediately puts the narrator at ease and into a sense of familiarity, running through the same routine, before it is broken by someone new. This someone new throws the narrator off and seemingly compels the narrator to do things against what they would typically do. It felt rightfully awkward and clunky as the waitress sat down with the new arrival, lending to a seemingly abnormal behavior which ends just as awkwardly as it started.The ending struck me in a way that makes the narrator and the reader consider for a moment the freedom they have. The freedom to go and an adventure, the freedom to pack up and leave monotony behind. I found it quite effective in retrospect, however in the initial reading I found the ending abrupt, perhaps intentionally so as to force the narrator to reel back and internally reflect on the concept that was left before them.
Cammy,
I enjoyed your story, which touches upon the topics of guilt over both action and inaction in a way that I found very thoughtful. I love how you had April be studying neurology, as it’s the science of the mind, the very thing she seemed to be losing her grip on due to her guilt over the accident and her role in it. She even guesses that her concussion or post-traumatic stress may be impacting her as well. I felt so bad for the boyfriend while reading this, as he took the blame and died because of it, only for the narrator to still be arrested regardless. I wonder what would happen if we saw the reactions of those around her, as we mainly focused on April and Greyson. I’d also like to potentially see more details about the accident, though I understand why you focused more on parts of the night leading up to the accident.
Hope this helps!
-Rachel
Mya,
I really liked your story! This is the story of a diner waitress who dreams of exploring more of what the world has to offer. I loved the imagery in the diner scene itself. I also loved the character of Hal, and the description of him and the waitress’ routine. I had a very clear picture of them and their interactions and I was really invested to hear what he had to tell her. I thought the stranger was interesting but wasn’t as attached to him as I was to Hal. There were some places where I think you could explore how you could show the character’s life rather than just tell it (like when they say they don’t know how to do change or that they’re afraid to leave this town). I was a little confused whether the main character wanted to leave and see the world or was happy with no change, but she feels very resolute by the end of the story. For a while I thought it was 2:15 in the afternoon, not in the morning, so I was a little confused for a second but eventually I figured it out. I like the way you ended the story, it leaves a lot for the reader to assume but not so much that it’s unfathomable. Great work!!
Cammy,
Great work on this story! This story is about a college student named April who lets her partner Greyson take the fall for her DUI and accidental homicide. I loved the themes you explored in this story of guilt and trying your best to abide by someone’s wishes (Greyson wanted to take the fall but was it the right thing to do?). I liked the way that you described Greyson during the visit. His condition felt very realistic and the interaction, while short, did what it needed to to progress the story. The section outlining her fight to keep herself able to graduate made the narrator much more relatable/likable to me in a story where I struggled to like her very much. I struggled to accept the ending a bit since she didn’t turn herself in before, and it took another person dying for her to fess up to her actions, which left a sour taste in my mouth for the narrator. I think there are some opportunities to show the pain, guilt, and other emotions the narrator is feeling rather than outright stating them. Maybe there’s also opportunities to show where the narrator has been dishonest in the past or her hesitancy with accepting consequences.
Mya: This is a story about a waitress working at a diner and is sick of her daily routine in life. She fears the idea of change but after meeting a new face at work she becomes willing to take the risk for change. I really enjoyed this story. I like how there’s like hidden messages in the story and questionable scenes at leaves the reader to analyze and interact with. The story flows very well and is easy to follow and understand. A question I have that’s also kind of a suggestion is to build more on the adventure in her. She keeps bringing up she longs for travels and adventure but what does she want to do with it? Does she have ideas or dreams of where she wants to go and do?
Mya, I really liked this story. I feel like it was a snippet taken out of a film. The description and imagery in this story was really well done, and it felt as if I was living within this scene. I really liked how you created the character of Hal, and what his relationship, and maybe companionship, meant to our narrator. I think his character helped add depth to the story, and made it feel like a real diner easy in the morning. I think the mystery man that came into the diner was a different touch. We are left at the end of this story with so much to think in terms of him, he did leave, was he real, and what was his purpose in this diner. I think he also added so much to the thought process of our narrator, he gave her so much to think about. While the idea of escaping this small town was a constant theme in this story, I think that when she meat this mystery man and heard of his adventures outside of the town, it really helped her understand why she wanted to leave. But I think I was missing the reason to be compelled to follow this man, or the ideas that this man had. Why did she want to leave? What was it about him that compels her to leave more? Has she always wanted to leave, or is this a newfound idea of freedom? I think developing that idea, of whether or not she wants to leave and what the town means to her, would help the readers understand why she wants to go.
Cammy, I really liked this story. You did a really good job highlight the ideas of grief and fighting with yourself after you have done something wrong but don’t reap the consequences of your action. I think that the character of Greyson was really well done, he did what he needed to for the story and with the small time that we had with him, I think you did a good job of showing who he was and what he did for the narrator. However, I feel as if with all of this guilt that our narrator holds, she would have turned herself in earlier. Or wouldn’t have let Greyson take the fall for her. I think if you highlight how much Greyson loved her, and how much he wanted her to have her future, it would make sense as to why she didn’t fess up to the accident. Overall, I think that the story did exactly what it needed and showed the guilt that takes over someone in a situation like this.
Hello Cammie! I think that your story is rather fast paced as we’re pushed into this world a little fast, but I think you did it right while still being able to fit the whole story into under 12 pages. I think this is a story of guilt, tension, and shock value. I wish we knew more about how long your characters have been together, waiting 10 years seems like a lot. If he was just a situationship, why would he throw his whole life away for her? Consistency when you aren’t writing about yourself is hard. You have to embrace the spiral of your character because they aren’t you, and I do think you dis that beautifully. I think it’d be cooler if it was a reflection piece on her looking back on how this all happened. You also do a great job of showing and not telling. I love the mystery and how you have to read between the lines at first to see what’s going on. You also did a wonderful job as the story becomes undone, and you wrote a very good character. When you have a dislikeable character I feel like that means they’re well written, she’s supposed to be annoying and you wrote her that way so her being annoying is proof you’re able to write a character at all- and its especially hard to write an unlikeable character, at least from my experience.
Hello Mya, I feel that you did a wonderful job of portraying a static environment of monotony. You can feel our character is scared of change without telling us blatantly, and we feel a sense of coveting from her. We can see all of this through your use of the word bubble, as jealousy fills in her. Your use of show not tell and heavy descriptors also add to the mood of the story. I love the tidbits on Hal, but she needs more background herself to give her depth. The Juxtaposition between her and the stranger is also intriguing, and the setting, a 2-3 am conversation at an old diner, is so interesting. I actually really loved the ending, that feeling leaves us with mystery, that’s good. It leaves the audience wanting more; but maybe more closure is needed. Throughout the story I can see it in my mind, and it really reminds me of my old diner job back at my home. On a last note, I do wish Hal would have told her what he needed to tell her.
12 thoughts on “JOURNAL # 18”
Bridget,
To start,Throughout the story it felt like it had an almost conversational tone. It felt like perhaps the narrator was confiding in us or a close friend about this eventful night. I liked the story’s themes of being wrapped up in academia. Highlighting the “relentless march” of a semester was a very effective way of setting up this character we are listening to. You captured well what it is like to have mixed emotions about leaving your family to be in a new place almost entirely separated from them. When it came to describing the dormitory you painted a beautifully fantastical image of what this building looked like. The detail of the library and dormitory being similar in style helps identify how the two are likely equally as old. When it came to the library, you spectacularly outlined an interesting scene. You built it up to have such an intense mystique, making it out to be labyrinthine in nature and showing that there are parts not frequented often by many. I would have loved to see an expansion of this setting. Getting into the why and how the narrator is so familiar with the library, and maybe allowing the later half of the story take place over a bit of a longer time frame but within this corner or similarly secluded parts of this library.
Mackie,
This was a very emotionally charged piece. The setup was interesting with the cozy house that just needed to be left behind. The hinting and eventual revelation of the accident was done very well. This story shined with a feeling of what it is like to be trapped in your own head, trapped in your own memories. Particularly when the narrator was trying desperately to interact with her family one last time, but the scene carried on without her control. The light transitions I felt were an interesting touch, acting as a sort of reset as we jump from memory to memory. The realization of her mistreating her mother was also a nice touch. You captured quite well, what it is like to realize that you have been mistreating or misunderstanding someone who you deeply care about.
Dear Cammy,
Your story had me fully engaged and eager to find out what happened next throughout all of it. I would say that this is the story of a college girl dealing with guilt from allowing her boy friend take the blame for her drunk driving and killing a pedestrian. This topic is really loaded and there are so many different directions that this story could have gone in. I didn’t know which direction it was going to go in but Greyson dying and April confessing and going to jail after Greyson dies were both huge twists that actually made my jaw drop. I liked that you alluded to what actually happened in that car accident throughout the story, allowing the reader to put the pieces together and be able to figure out what happened that night and then you actually told the reader exactly what happened but through April saying goodbye and sorry to Greyson after he died which I think was really effective. I think that the major moment you are showing here is Greyson dying and April going to jail after being caught in her lie but the glimmer of hope with getting her act together and making some progress as a character was also very effective and as a reader nice to see the progression. It also helped us get good background information on her personality and potentially her relationship with Greyson before this bigger moment happened. I like that the car accident wasn’t really the big moment, instead it was what happened due to the car accident. Who knows what the story would have been if the car accident didn’t happen. Maybe they would be dating, going to the same college and looking at places to live together after graduation (assuming their relationship is a romantic one). Or maybe they would have broken up if the crash never happened and maybe April would be dating someone else. Like I said this car accident set up allowed for you to really run with this idea and I think there is a lot you did well here. One question I had was right at the beginning on page one about how April would call 911 and then hang up, never being able to bring herself to talk. I know in movies and stuff they are able to trace calls like that where they don’t say anything just in case it’s some sort of situation where the victim couldn’t talk because of being with a captor or something. So, I was just wondering how that worked logistically here because wouldn’t they be able to trace all of these calls back to her and then maybe bring her in for questioning? Maybe that could be incorporated into the story as it progresses if you wanted to take it in that direction but otherwise maybe change that part to just talking about how she would sit in the parking lot and never go in. Otherwise, this story is really well written and it kept me engaged and I think you also executed the intense parts well with shorter sentences and not using big fancy or elegant language. Well done!
Dear Mya,
I really liked your ending and your small twist of the mysterious man suddenly leaving. It really is no harm that he left since the waitress (Miss Jordan) didn’t even really place his order and he only got water that was most likely free. It really leaves the reader wondering so many things: What did Hal HAVE to tell Miss Jordan? Will Miss Jordan ever find out what Hal had to say? Why did that mystery guy really come in and why did he leave so abruptly? Did he feel uncomfortable by Miss Jordan or was he intentionally trying to make an impact on Miss Jordan, so he was memorable to her and maybe prompted her to change? I like that these things aren’t answered and I think that showing this moment with the man really does show a shift in Miss Jordan’s personality in that she “pushes away the fear of change” toward the end after the mysterious man walks out before eating. I would say this is the story of a small town waitress that has never left her hometown, who flirts with the idea of change and travel in her mind after a new face interrupts her stable, never changing life routine. I really like the lead up to this encounter with the mysterious newcomer. It really allows the reader to see how Miss Jordan thinks and get to know the setting in which gets disrupted by the relatively mysterious traveler. I think the ending really works well also, leaving the reader with the sense of a bit of a chill, really allowing for the reader’s imagination to continue to run rampant with questions and wonder about what happens. Does Miss Jordan leave? Does she decide to run out and chase the man? Does she stay in her well known routine and wait to hear Hal’s important story? Does Hal’s story alter her thinking either further toward wanting to leave or maybe scare her into staying? Or will she maybe never find out about Hal and she leaves before then? Maybe she even packs up and leaves before sunrise? There is so much potential and possibilities with what could happen here and I personally don’t think any of this should be answered for the reader because it then has a greater effect, no matter how much I want to know what Hal had to say. I think my only question or clarification point I guess would be the mention of Hal driving 16-wheelers for a living. I have really only ever heard them be called 18-wheelers and yes both of them exist. I just figured I would bring it up because maybe it is a regional thing, maybe 16-wheelers are more abundant in Ohio where the story is set vs say in New England where we are/ where I am from. Anyways, I loved this story and I think the fact that you can’t infer exactly how this shift affected Miss Jordan is really interesting and effective in that it leaves the reader wanting more and will most likely stay on a reader’s mind longer than if we were to know what she chose to do with this encounter. Overall, great job!
Mya,
I loved your story about a waitress who is simulatenously bored of her monotonous life and job within Fremont, Ohio but also terrified of change. I think fear of change is extremely common in people, especially when the only danger in not taking risk is missed opportunity, and many see it as worth it. I wonder why you focused so much on emphasizing Fremont, Ohio, as I have never travelled west of New York and have always lived in New England. I love how you including the details of Hal always ordering the same meal and getting in at the same time, as well as the narrator being very used to this and having a ‘shallow’ friendship with Hal— they don’t talk about anything super deep, but they talk and Hal always leaves a five for the narrator. I also like the detail of the narrator having a one-sided interest in the newcomer, as it made the story feel much more tangible. I wonder what would happen if we learned more about the newcomer, or at least more of the narrator’s theories at to who he is, as the boot detail seemed very specific but didn’t, at least to me, tie in as much as I would’ve expected. Hope this is helpful!
-Rachel
Dear Cammy,
This story is about a girl struggling with her guilt over her boyfriend taking responsibility for her actions. We watch her evolve and overcome a bit of that guilt until she finds out her boyfriend has died in prison and she must fess up. WOW, this story kept me engaged the whole time. I think you did a really great job getting into the head of your narrator, April. You captured her anxiety and guilt very well. I also think your dialogue was done very well. It didn’t seem stilted, it flowed just like regular conversation. I think one thing that would maybe improve this story is to make Greyson have some stronger emotions. Maybe have some flashbacks to before the accidents to see how much Greyson loved April and how much he believed in her future to make it more believable that he would take the blame for her.
Dear Mya,
This story is about a waitress working at a diner who yearns to leave Ohio. We get to see her encounter a couple of customers and realize she can get out. I think this story was really good and I thoroughly enjoyed it. The wanting to get away from home is very relatable. I really like this mystery man character. I have no clue if he was really there or not but regardless I think his presence was intriguing. One thing that I think would help the flow of the story is to maybe not repeat the notion of the narrator wanting to get out so many times. It is of course a very key part of her, but the constant yearning to leave almost takes away from the rest of the story.
Cammy,
This piece had an overall quite fascinating narrative. After concluding this reading, I found myself wanting more. The story and characters you presented are interesting enough, but the situation you put them in, is what really drives the piece. I found myself wondering about the whole context around everything that has happened. I would love to see the drama and weight of the court trials. While this is a first-person narrative, I found myself wanting to see Greyson’s side of the story as well to get a little glimpse on how he feels in all this. I would have loved to see a little more from the relationship between the narrator and Greyson. I felt that they cared for each other, but I would have liked a little more interaction to show us a little more of that. Despite this, I do find it quite a neat touch to allow the story to explain their care for each other through Greyson’s actions and the narrator’s thoughts and anxieties. The ending I found particularly odd, but not in a bad way. The choice to have the narrator end up getting arrested anyways threw me for a loop, but it provided closure for the narrator. If it was a bit more drawn out perhaps to give it a little more depth to really drive home that the weight was lifted.
Mya,
This story had a very interesting concept surrounding self imprisonment. You detailed well what it’s like for someone to chain themselves to a monotony due to it being familiar. What particularly describes this in your writing is the narrator’s desire to move on and experience the world but stick to her self-admitted boring life. I found the inclusion stood out in terms of intrigue. He shows up and immediately puts the narrator at ease and into a sense of familiarity, running through the same routine, before it is broken by someone new. This someone new throws the narrator off and seemingly compels the narrator to do things against what they would typically do. It felt rightfully awkward and clunky as the waitress sat down with the new arrival, lending to a seemingly abnormal behavior which ends just as awkwardly as it started.The ending struck me in a way that makes the narrator and the reader consider for a moment the freedom they have. The freedom to go and an adventure, the freedom to pack up and leave monotony behind. I found it quite effective in retrospect, however in the initial reading I found the ending abrupt, perhaps intentionally so as to force the narrator to reel back and internally reflect on the concept that was left before them.
Cammy,
I enjoyed your story, which touches upon the topics of guilt over both action and inaction in a way that I found very thoughtful. I love how you had April be studying neurology, as it’s the science of the mind, the very thing she seemed to be losing her grip on due to her guilt over the accident and her role in it. She even guesses that her concussion or post-traumatic stress may be impacting her as well. I felt so bad for the boyfriend while reading this, as he took the blame and died because of it, only for the narrator to still be arrested regardless. I wonder what would happen if we saw the reactions of those around her, as we mainly focused on April and Greyson. I’d also like to potentially see more details about the accident, though I understand why you focused more on parts of the night leading up to the accident.
Hope this helps!
-Rachel
Mya,
I really liked your story! This is the story of a diner waitress who dreams of exploring more of what the world has to offer. I loved the imagery in the diner scene itself. I also loved the character of Hal, and the description of him and the waitress’ routine. I had a very clear picture of them and their interactions and I was really invested to hear what he had to tell her. I thought the stranger was interesting but wasn’t as attached to him as I was to Hal. There were some places where I think you could explore how you could show the character’s life rather than just tell it (like when they say they don’t know how to do change or that they’re afraid to leave this town). I was a little confused whether the main character wanted to leave and see the world or was happy with no change, but she feels very resolute by the end of the story. For a while I thought it was 2:15 in the afternoon, not in the morning, so I was a little confused for a second but eventually I figured it out. I like the way you ended the story, it leaves a lot for the reader to assume but not so much that it’s unfathomable. Great work!!
Cammy,
Great work on this story! This story is about a college student named April who lets her partner Greyson take the fall for her DUI and accidental homicide. I loved the themes you explored in this story of guilt and trying your best to abide by someone’s wishes (Greyson wanted to take the fall but was it the right thing to do?). I liked the way that you described Greyson during the visit. His condition felt very realistic and the interaction, while short, did what it needed to to progress the story. The section outlining her fight to keep herself able to graduate made the narrator much more relatable/likable to me in a story where I struggled to like her very much. I struggled to accept the ending a bit since she didn’t turn herself in before, and it took another person dying for her to fess up to her actions, which left a sour taste in my mouth for the narrator. I think there are some opportunities to show the pain, guilt, and other emotions the narrator is feeling rather than outright stating them. Maybe there’s also opportunities to show where the narrator has been dishonest in the past or her hesitancy with accepting consequences.
Mya: This is a story about a waitress working at a diner and is sick of her daily routine in life. She fears the idea of change but after meeting a new face at work she becomes willing to take the risk for change. I really enjoyed this story. I like how there’s like hidden messages in the story and questionable scenes at leaves the reader to analyze and interact with. The story flows very well and is easy to follow and understand. A question I have that’s also kind of a suggestion is to build more on the adventure in her. She keeps bringing up she longs for travels and adventure but what does she want to do with it? Does she have ideas or dreams of where she wants to go and do?
Mya, I really liked this story. I feel like it was a snippet taken out of a film. The description and imagery in this story was really well done, and it felt as if I was living within this scene. I really liked how you created the character of Hal, and what his relationship, and maybe companionship, meant to our narrator. I think his character helped add depth to the story, and made it feel like a real diner easy in the morning. I think the mystery man that came into the diner was a different touch. We are left at the end of this story with so much to think in terms of him, he did leave, was he real, and what was his purpose in this diner. I think he also added so much to the thought process of our narrator, he gave her so much to think about. While the idea of escaping this small town was a constant theme in this story, I think that when she meat this mystery man and heard of his adventures outside of the town, it really helped her understand why she wanted to leave. But I think I was missing the reason to be compelled to follow this man, or the ideas that this man had. Why did she want to leave? What was it about him that compels her to leave more? Has she always wanted to leave, or is this a newfound idea of freedom? I think developing that idea, of whether or not she wants to leave and what the town means to her, would help the readers understand why she wants to go.
Cammy, I really liked this story. You did a really good job highlight the ideas of grief and fighting with yourself after you have done something wrong but don’t reap the consequences of your action. I think that the character of Greyson was really well done, he did what he needed to for the story and with the small time that we had with him, I think you did a good job of showing who he was and what he did for the narrator. However, I feel as if with all of this guilt that our narrator holds, she would have turned herself in earlier. Or wouldn’t have let Greyson take the fall for her. I think if you highlight how much Greyson loved her, and how much he wanted her to have her future, it would make sense as to why she didn’t fess up to the accident. Overall, I think that the story did exactly what it needed and showed the guilt that takes over someone in a situation like this.
Hello Cammie! I think that your story is rather fast paced as we’re pushed into this world a little fast, but I think you did it right while still being able to fit the whole story into under 12 pages. I think this is a story of guilt, tension, and shock value. I wish we knew more about how long your characters have been together, waiting 10 years seems like a lot. If he was just a situationship, why would he throw his whole life away for her? Consistency when you aren’t writing about yourself is hard. You have to embrace the spiral of your character because they aren’t you, and I do think you dis that beautifully. I think it’d be cooler if it was a reflection piece on her looking back on how this all happened. You also do a great job of showing and not telling. I love the mystery and how you have to read between the lines at first to see what’s going on. You also did a wonderful job as the story becomes undone, and you wrote a very good character. When you have a dislikeable character I feel like that means they’re well written, she’s supposed to be annoying and you wrote her that way so her being annoying is proof you’re able to write a character at all- and its especially hard to write an unlikeable character, at least from my experience.
Hello Mya, I feel that you did a wonderful job of portraying a static environment of monotony. You can feel our character is scared of change without telling us blatantly, and we feel a sense of coveting from her. We can see all of this through your use of the word bubble, as jealousy fills in her. Your use of show not tell and heavy descriptors also add to the mood of the story. I love the tidbits on Hal, but she needs more background herself to give her depth. The Juxtaposition between her and the stranger is also intriguing, and the setting, a 2-3 am conversation at an old diner, is so interesting. I actually really loved the ending, that feeling leaves us with mystery, that’s good. It leaves the audience wanting more; but maybe more closure is needed. Throughout the story I can see it in my mind, and it really reminds me of my old diner job back at my home. On a last note, I do wish Hal would have told her what he needed to tell her.